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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28613973">Metamorphism and Other Ways to Make Diamonds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912'>126916912</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Denial, Domestic Violence, Drug reference, Failing business, Fights, Flashbacks, Funeral, High School, Incest, Infidelity, M/M, Murder, Neglect, POV Multiple, Past Tense, Plotting, Present Tense, Reconciliation, Revenge, Sabotage, Secret Admirer, Weddings, breakdown - Freeform, rich families, suicide references, tense changes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:21:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>60,447</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28613973</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As heir to one of the richest families in Korea, Lee Sangyeon knows that money can't solve everything. Growing up to face reality, Sangyeon has struggled to avoid his place as the black-sheep tainting the reputation of his family's empire. Despite all of Sangyeon’s best efforts, the return of a friend who disappeared seven years ago unpicks the stitches on wounds he had hoped to hide.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Stars Live in the Dark — July 2021</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello!!!!! hi!!!</p><p>for me, this fic has been a long time coming! it is actually a year ago that <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/commedesgarzons">commedesgarzon</a> gave me the prompt for this. in the months since then i actually planned and started 11 versions of this fic before the one you have clicked onto now OTL. i scrapped over 50k words and a lot of plots i thought were good but, as they say, twelfth time lucky!!! i am really proud of this. i can only hope i have done the prompt justice and i would love to hear what you guys think!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sangyeon is tired. He is bored already and there are hours and hours of the wedding reception left to go. Perhaps if he hadn't fallen out with his sister days before her wedding he would be more emotionally invested, or he could pretend to care. As things were, he didn't have many allies on a day like today. </p><p>Chaekyung, his fiancée, his friend, one of his only remaining constants, wouldn't even look at him. He isn't surprised. He knows that all of his apologies have been pointless. Saying sorry, trying to make Chaekyung understand how much he regrets what he did, isn't worth anything. He hates seeing her flinch. He hates seeing her skittishness. More than that he hates the controlled indifference that she has affected since their fight last week. </p><p>Whilst the bride and her maids have been posing for the photographer in front of a wall of blooms, Sangyeon has attempted and failed to catch Chaekyung's eye. </p><p>Being ignored by Chaekyung like this feels familiar. Sangyeon remembers why it happened the first time, years and years ago, but recognising the patterns here doesn't give him any comfort. </p><p>Suhyun, another of his best friends has grown more distant over the years. Sangyeon looks at his hands. He realises that he has hardly spoken to her since her brother left. Strange. Years have passed and Sangyeon hadn't realised until today exactly what had happened. </p><p>Suhyun pokes at Haein's cheek as they pose for pictures, nose scrunching as she laughs. They are the ones who are supposed to be best friends, Sangyeon supposes as he watches his sister along with the bridesmaids she chose: Suhyun, Chaekyung, Sohee, Hyeri, and the bridesmaid who was shoehorned into the wedding by their mother, little cousin Jinsol. Considering everything, they are smiling enough that the wedding album will look good for years to come. Truly a wonderful celebration of the union between Palam Heiress Lee Haein and some guy off the street. </p><p>Haein's husband is standing aside, thankfully on the other side of the Manor house's foyer, watching this part of the photography. He catches Sangyeon’s eye with a leer. Sangyeon hates Han Seokhee with everything he has. He bristles just thinking about what the man had said to him an hour before the ceremony. </p><p>
  <em>"Give up, Sangyeon. Don't look so disappointed that she chose to marry me over you."</em>
</p><p>There were a few too many words in that sentence for Sangyeon’s liking, but it wasn't the first time he had implied something unsavoury about Sangyeon. Far from it. </p><p>As irritating as he has always found Han Seokhee's presence, part of the sentiment still rings true for Sangyeon. Haein has always chosen other people over him. When they were young it had seemed different. Way back when she was a Third-year student and Sangyeon was a First-year, it looked as though Haein would have done anything for Sangyeon. He had no strengths or abilities but he likes to think that he was capable of doing a lot for her too. Nine years later the pair of them had a blazing row days before the wedding and Haein hasn't deigned to acknowledge Sangyeon once. </p><p>That is the thing about families like theirs. When you have money, everyone is always looking at you. People are always looking, the lime-filter of envy helping them to notice the imperfections and faults in the cut of the jewels on display. </p><p>Though she threatened it, Haein couldn't uninvite Sangyeon from her wedding because people would ask too many questions. What she could do was invite her stupid assistant and his weird girlfriend and break away from the setting for her photo-shoot to scurry across the flagstone floor just to pull them both into a tight embrace. </p><p>Sangyeon can't watch much more of this. He slips away into the ballroom where the reception is taking place. </p><p>In here the rough grey stone of the floor gives way to marble. Royal blue spiked with swirls of pale grey, the cresting waves of the Styx. </p><p>The walls are painted slate grey, blue brick exposed stretches of the walls between windows adorned with unfurling blooms of midsummer. His mother hates it, even now her face is too stiff as she smiles and curries compliments from the guests. She wanted white. A huge white ballroom, dazzlingly bright and void of imperfections was his mother's dream, but Haein had refused. She wanted something to make her groom happy. The man with no family. It was such a strange argument considering his sister is a bridesmaid at this wedding. Sangyeon is fairly certain Han Seokhee's parents are still alive, just persuaded not to attend the ceremony or the reception. Money is a powerful thing. He wonders just how much money his mother put up to keep the pauper's family away. Maybe as much as it cost to pay for the underworld inspired uniforms of the workers in the large Manor house nestled into the scenic mountains. </p><p>Somewhere between heaven and earth, this wedding is being celebrated for far too long. The gazebo set up on the large rolling lawn outside was wrought-iron, wound up with creeping ivy and embroidered with flowers in palettes of bruises and bloodclots. Those same flowers are indoors too, encroaching on the wedding reception amongst the softer petals in shades befitting the season.</p><p>Sangyeon supposes the theme is nice considering Haein's wedding gown is periwinkle. Even he was taking his mother's side. A white dress would have been better. </p><p>At least Sangyeon’s mother could plan the wedding of her dreams when it was time for Sangyeon and Chaekyung to make their way down the aisle. His fiancée already hated him but she probably hadn't liked him very much for years. Even her deep-rooted disdain wasn't enough to drive her away from Sangyeon. She would still be there, dutifully at his side whilst he tried to work out how to get back to their old friendship. </p><p>Life going forward doesn't look particularly promising. Luckily someone good enough to listen to Sangyeon's complaints calls. </p><p>Sangyeon withdraws his phone from his pockets. "Aren't we in the same place, Chanhee? Why are you phoning me?" </p><p>"I've been waving you over for precisely three minutes," Chanhee says, "Come over here so I can stab you with one of these weird centrepieces."</p><p>"Is that an invitation that usually works on people?" Sangyeon asks. </p><p>"Well it is working on the guy who won't stop staring at me. Please come and save me. I asked nicely. Now get over here to get stabbed."</p><p>The invitation is good enough. Sangyeon searches the ballroom for the only person who wants to see him. He clocks the pianist on the stage and delays that little interaction to follow Chanhee's demands. </p><p>Sangyeon’s fight with Haein was only a few days ago but that was enough time for the seating plan to shuffle him away from the important guests like family, though the Camink Chois used to be as good as family and now they are stuck on the periphery of things. Getting to sit with Chanhee in a distant corner of the ballroom is better than being stuck where everyone would expect him to smile about the fact his sister has married Han Seokhee. That being said, Sangyeon isn't entirely pleased with whatever the expression on Chanhee's face precedes. </p><p>"Is this going to take long? Have you seen the entertainment for tonight?" </p><p>"Yes, it's Kevin, I know," Chanhee drawls, "But this is an emergency."</p><p>This does not look like an emergency at all. "What sort of emergency could you have at a wedding?" </p><p>"Pretend you're my boyfriend," Chanhee says as he pulls Sangyeon into the empty seat beside him. </p><p>"No."</p><p>As promised, Chanhee reaches for the centrepiece on the table, twisting prongs of perforated metal adorned with deconstructed bouquets. Surprisingly the centrepiece is more easily dismantled than Sangyeon assumed. With the surprise shank against his throat, Sangyeon asks, "What's the emergency?" </p><p>"My parents went to speak to your mother, and obviously I had to be there too, and then some random guy just comes over and starts talking about how he has modelled for both Camink and Palam. They're all still talking now. Look."</p><p>Finding his mother in the crowd as more people slip into the ballroom is far easier than Sangyeon would like it to be. Haein's gift for charming a room comes from their mother. She is beautiful, objectively, and all eyes are always drifting towards her. All eyes except for one pair of eyes. The young man standing with Sangyeon’s mother and Chanhee's parents is looking directly at Chanhee, alarm wide in his eyes. </p><p>"He's hot. Why are you bothered about a model being interested in you? If you don't want him I know someone who does," Sangyeon hints. </p><p>Chanhee sighs. He drops his sharp implement onto the table. He knows too much about Sangyeon. In circles like these, everyone knows everyone and for far too long. Chanhee has known Sangyeon for too long and has reached the point of losing sympathy for him. </p><p>"Remember when we watched Twilight and you spent three months straight gushing about Robert Pattinson and then pretended you wanted me to feel comfortable talking to you all my gay little troubles but it was actually because nobody else would listen to you talk about how much you fancied him?" Chanhee asks. "And now you're at your sister's wedding trying to sleep with my stalker?" </p><p>It is Sangyeon’s turn to sigh. Chanhee exaggerates too much. "You know what, I need to go and talk to Kevin."</p><p>The music at the reception is exquisite, of course. Sangyeon has never actually heard Kevin play before. Knowing Kevin is a musician and hearing him play piano at Sangyeon’s sister's wedding are two different things. He is gaining a new appreciation for the man who had become something of a support since his legal troubles began. </p><p>"Hey," Sangyeon says, leaning over the piano marbled like the rivers of Hades. Kevin glances up but doesn't pay Sangyeon any more attention than that. There is no reason not to keep talking. "You never told me that you would be here. At my sister's wedding."</p><p>"I told you I had work," Kevin says as his fingers dance over the keys. </p><p>"Do you want to hang out when this thing is finally over?" </p><p>"Absolutely not," Kevin responds shortly. His fingers stumble and his lips are tight. Sangyeon doesn't quite know what he could have done for this reaction. </p><p>"Alright. Tomorrow? It has been a while since we last spent any time together." </p><p>Kevin exhales, terse, and ignores Sangyeon until the end of the piece. The sharpness in his eyes is startling when he finally looks up. "What do you want, Sangyeon?" </p><p>"I want to hang out. And maybe you could stay the night again."</p><p>Kevin frowns, flipping through the book on the piano. "Why would we hang out? Ever?" </p><p>Sangyeon isn't sure he should answer. They had spent a considerable amount of time together recently. The time together had been helpful lately seeing as his life had never gone the way it was meant to. He is the heir to one of the largest conglomerates in the country and the branch of the company given to him is failing miserably, further proving to his parents that he is the disappointment of the family. </p><p>Smoking with Kevin allows Sangyeon to unwind the burdens of his position in a series of held inhales and long exhales. Smoking with Kevin also leads to other things which make him feel like someone could want him, things which he has failed at on every other attempt in his life. No stress. Things with Kevin are easy aside from right now when Kevin is frowning a lot and his fingers segue into something else bright and graceful. </p><p>"Alright. What about sex. Will you come home with me for sex too?" </p><p>Kevin sways with the movement of the music but he stills at that, shoulders stiffening and lower lip protruding further with this deeper frown. </p><p>"You're phrasing this like you think it is an offer I can't refuse, but I absolutely can refuse, Sangyeon. I'm not interested."</p><p>"You're not?" </p><p>"Not at all."</p><p>"What about all those times we—" </p><p>The keys strike discordant for a second before Kevin rights himself, clearly at the very edge of the patience he has for Sangyeon, though this does not feel fair at all. </p><p>"You can consider all those occasions business transactions," Kevin says carefully. </p><p>Sangyeon steps back away from the piano. "Like I'm a client and you're a prost—" </p><p>"You're the one selling yourself for drugs, if I recall correctly, Sangyeon. Let's just say things as they are."</p><p>The note of finality in Kevin's voice weaves itself into the melody and harmony of his hands. Fine. Sangyeon doesn't care anyway. </p><p>On his way back to his table at the far end of the room, past tables of people settling down after their exhaustive greeting practices, past the windows barred with bountiful vines, beyond the open doorway leading to the sun-soaked balcony outside the ballroom, Sangyeon grabs two drinks to take to his seat. </p><p>"These are both for me," Sangyeon says as soon as Chanhee reaches for a glass. "Get your own drink."</p><p>Once the two glasses of champagne, bitter and sharp, are drained, Sangyeon takes stock of the situation. The two newcomers to the table still don't fill up all the vacant seats but their presence is enough to send Sangyeon’s mood plummeting. Juyeon has the gall to smile, closed-lipped, and wave across the diametre of the table at Sangyeon. </p><p>"This has to be a joke."</p><p>Chanhee finally attracts the attention of a smiling waitress and Sangyeon takes the opportunity to interrupt him to order several bottles for his side of the table. He doesn't need to be considerate of the cumbersome dress the waitresses have been dressed in for this wedding, looking like dead nymphs or whatever it was Chaekyung said she heard the theme was. This waitress will work out how to bring everything Sangyeon has requested. </p><p>"It is nice to meet you," Juyeon's date says, her voice wavering though she is attempting to be quiet. Her hair cascades down her back, pinned behind her ears so the lean line of her shoulders and collarbones are on display. The design of her dress is similar to the dresses picked out for the bridesmaids, though the material looks sleeker and more tailored than the gossamer layers of the dress Chaekyung put on this morning. "My name is Lee Naeun."</p><p>"Lovely," Sangyeon replies dryly. </p><p>"I have heard a lot about you, Sangyeon, from Juyeon and Haein."</p><p>That couldn't possibly have meant anything good. Even before Sangyeon fell out of favour with his sister, there hadn't ever been anything particularly good to report about him. </p><p>Luckily the waitress from before returns with the first tray of drinks for the table. Chanhee corrects the waitress' trajectory and points out where to place his parents' drinks when she heads towards the empty seats beside Sangyeon. </p><p>"What did your family even do to fall out of favour with my parents?" Sangyeon asks. "They're sitting on the table of spares but my mother is happily laughing and joking around with them. It doesn't make any sense."</p><p>"We're going on holiday and need to leave early," Chanhee says. "It would look bad if there were empty seats in the middle of the room."</p><p>"What? Since when? Why didn't you tell me earlier that you're going to ditch me?" </p><p>Chanhee arches an eyebrow. "You can't be serious, Sangyeon. Do you ignore everything I say? I have been talking to you about this for weeks." Scrolling through his phone, Chanhee looks triumphant when he finds the right message. "This is from two days ago. Chanhee, <em>'I can't be bothered to pack. I can't let Mrs Yang do it because she forgot to pack my underwear when I went to Switzerland in January.'</em> Sangyeon, <em>'Hurry up and pack. I need you to bring me back a—'</em>" </p><p>Sangyeon remembers what the rest of the message says. "Alright. I get it! I forgot."</p><p>Juyeon blinks over in interest and says, "If there is anything you need, Sangyeon, I can help you out."</p><p>"No! No thank you! Once was already too many times."</p><p>Glancing towards Naeun, Juyeon says, "I have helped you more than just once though. Even since I worked for Haein I think I did lots of things that you asked."</p><p>Sangyeon rolls his eyes, pours himself another drink. Belatedly, Juyeon's arms extend like he is miming the act of pouring Sangyeon’s drink himself. Being around him is exhausting. This reception requires more than just the one drink. </p><p>"Did Haein send you over here to spy on me or something?" Sangyeon grumbles. He knocks back another drink. "You don't have to do everything my stupid sister tell you to do. Try using your own mind for once." </p><p>Juyeon smiles. "She's my boss. She pays me to do what she says. But you shouldn't say things like that about your sister. You have a special bond as siblings, you know."</p><p>"That's right. Me, Haein, and the dozens of half-siblings we must have kicking around seeing as our father can't keep it in his pants."</p><p>Juyeon looks taken aback and glances furtively towards his date Naeun. This avenue of conversation is tame, there is no way the woman would be shocked by hearing anything like that. </p><p>"What do you know about sibling bonds anyway?" Sangyeon asks over the rim of his glass. "You're an only child, aren't you?" </p><p>"I've always wanted a brother or sister though," Juyeon says thinly. "Seeing what you and Haein have is nice." </p><p>"And you think your parents are so different that you wouldn't have any mysterious siblings running around out there? Who knows, maybe you're the illegitimate child. Do you want to come along and see if either of my parents claim you?" Sangyeon asks after another draw of wine. The alarm on Juyeon's face is priceless. He always has been too soft-headed. </p><p>"What does that mean?" Juyeon asks quietly. "Wouldn't it be bad if we were brothers?" </p><p>In the moment it takes Sangyeon to consider that thought in the context of the conversation, he realises that Naeun knows exactly what Juyeon is talking about. The woman is a stranger and her knowing something like that about Sangyeon is uncomfortable. Not even Chanhee knows and he is likely the only friend Sangyeon has these days. </p><p>"We're not brothers," Sangyeon says. He is certain of that. He needs to be. He doesn't want to even look at Juyeon anymore. This is already too much. </p><p>Sangyeon busies himself with drinking as much as he can without too much regard for what anything is. It is a better idea for Sangyeon to keep quiet when Chanhee's parents arrive anyway. Sangyeon watches as his mother is summoned by the photographer's assistant and listens to Naeun and Juyeon ask questions about the upcoming holiday which veers away from the realm of politeness. </p><p>An escape sounds great at a time like this. Sangyeon wishes he had been smart enough to beg Chanhee to take him along to New Zealand too, though the last time Sangyeon did ask he was suddenly hearing a lot about how the trip was for work. </p><p>Someone who has recently been looking as though she wants to escape is Chaekyung, though she clearly wants to escape from Sangyeon. A lot of her misery would be solved if she was free of him, he understands that much. For once she is coming towards him, awkwardly teetering around the waiters and waitresses when she finds herself stuck behind them. Eventually, Chaekyung and the concern etched into her forehead find themselves crouching at Sangyeon’s side. </p><p>"How much have you been drinking?" She asks as her eyes stray to the cluster of bottles around Sangyeon’s place setting. </p><p>"That's not why you're over here right now, is it?" </p><p>Chaekyung shakes her head. "That's not why I am here." </p><p>"What is important enough to make you care about the fact that I exist?" </p><p>Chaekyung hesitates, her eyes straying around the table again. She doesn't have to worry too much. She is off sitting with the rest of the important people. For now she is next to Sangyeon. </p><p>"Did Haein tell you who she invited?" Chaekyung asks, a whisper carried by the tightness in her throat. </p><p>"No, darling, I wasn't privy to that sort of information."</p><p>Chaekyung's expression flattens into something midway between irritation and defeat. She says, "He's here. He came back."</p><p>"Who?" </p><p>A soft exclamation from the other side of the table draws Sangyeon’s eye. Juyeon is looking at someone making their way through the tables, unfortunately looking a lot like their journey will end at the empty seats beside Sangyeon. </p><p>So that's who. </p><p>Sangyeon wishes he could be the sort of person who doesn't care. He wishes he could pretend away all traces of recognition and everything inside him which stings at the sight of Lee Jaehyun. He isn't. Instead he finds himself trapped in his seat and searching redundantly for the signs pointing out the toilets. </p><p>He needs an escape. More immediately than a holiday. He needs to be free of the searing heat of the ballroom in summer, the sweat beading along his brow, the acrid prickling at the back of his mouth, the relief in the eyes which are on him. </p><p>Jaehyun shouldn't look relieved. Sangyeon doesn't have a clue how the other man should look, however relief certainly is not the expression which should be there. Perhaps remorse would be better though Sangyeon doesn't feel equipped to accept an apology either. </p><p>"I was worried we were going to be late," Jaehyun says in lieu of a proper greeting as he settles into his seat and smiles around the table at the baffled faces staring back at him. "This house is beautiful, isn't it?" </p><p>Sangyeon doesn't understand the nerve of this man to sit beside him after disappearing so suddenly, years ago. He even brought a friend, a woman with grace and refinement carved into the beautiful planes of her face and a diamond sparkling heavily on her left ring-finger. </p><p>Sangyeon feels the stasis of his breath as Chaekyung's fingers claw into his forearm. It isn't until Jaehyun looks at Sangyeon that he feels the air loosen in his chest. </p><p>"Your sister looks so happy today."</p><p>"Is that it?" Sangyeon asks, the syllables scratching on their way out of Sangyeon’s throat. </p><p>A frown. </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>Sangyeon almost trips over Chaekyung in his haste to get away from Jaehyun. He can't apologise, likely wouldn't if he was capable of more than gritting his teeth tightly enough to make his teeth ache, though Chaekyung isn't the sort to mind that sort of thing. </p><p>The air outside on the balcony is still. Not a whisper of wind disturbs the dense air as it melts under the midsummer sun. Sangyeon can't breathe deeply enough, can't fill his lungs to ease the ache in his chest. The metal framework visible on the pristine lawn below, the place where Haein vowed loyalty and love to a man who didn't deserve her, warps in the wavering lethargy of the heat. Nothing is steady. </p><p>Without warning, Jaehyun disappeared seven years ago. Perhaps if they were hardly acquainted it wouldn't matter, Sangyeon wouldn't have the right to be angry about any of it, yet there wasn't anyone more precious to him than Jaehyun was when he left. </p><p>Perhaps any feelings Sangyeon has on the matter have festered in selfishness. Nobody has made Sangyeon feel as though he matters the way Jaehyun had. Nobody has come close to offering unconditional affection, nobody has seen Sangyeon at his worst and promised that they still loved him, nobody has wanted to see him become the best version of himself, nobody has even accepted the version of Sangyeon which has existed all this time. </p><p>Finding out that Jaehyun had left was confusing. It never made any sense, especially not in the manner he had left: silent, sudden. The absence meant there was nobody around who had the patience, or even the inclination, to be there for Sangyeon as things progressed from bad to worse. Yet Sangyeon had always, always hoped that he might find his way back to the kind of happiness which has eluded him in the years since he turned eighteen. All this time, the rational part of his mind had never once been successful in pointing out the fact that first loves don't last, that he simply longed for easier times when the worries he used to have weren't worries at all, that he was remembering a rose-tinted version of his youth. </p><p>No matter how sensible Sangyeon tried to be, he has always been able to distill the joy of his past to the one person who could leave him easily. The general disdain from everyone around Sangyeon is a precursor to the abandonment which lies ahead, but Jaehyun had been different. Jaehyun said he loved Sangyeon. And then he left. </p><p>Sangyeon couldn't love someone and leave without a word. He couldn't remain silent and unreachable for all the years between a departure and a return. Without ever receiving a response, Sangyeon had worked out a lot of the things he wanted to tell Jaehyun, or so he thought. </p><p>The man who sat beside Sangyeon wouldn't care to hear a breath of the words which had been written and edited and memorised to be recited. That much is obvious. </p><p>Sangyeon tries to breathe. His chest hurts. This feels like heartbreak all over again. He hasn't healed at all. </p><p>The click of footsteps across the stone floor of the balcony is hesitant. If this person is here to see Sangyeon, he suspects he knows who it is. If not, he doesn't care. Plenty of people have seen him cry over the years. Beating shame into him never worked as a well as it should have and there isn't any dignity or pride which remains. </p><p>"I asked if I could be moved to sit with you," Chaekyung says quietly. Of course, Chaekyung. Only ever Chaekyung. Sangyeon glances over his shoulder at his fiancée, his old friend. She wrings her hands yet the hesitation in her countenance remains. She takes a cautious step closer. "We're engaged. It must have seemed strange in the first place that we weren't seated together."</p><p>The seating arrangement came about due to the arguments he'd had with Chaekyung and Haein during the approach to the wedding. Nothing strange about that. </p><p>Sangyeon shrugs and looks back out to the summer-drenched lawn. Some workers have already begun packing away the chairs set up for the guests to watch the ceremony. Even out there Sangyeon was hidden away in the back. He can't even get annoyed about that. He doesn't even care. He doesn't want this stupid life anyway. He doesn't want anyone looking at him, anyone thinking things about him, the responsibilities of reversing crumbling fortunes. He wants none of it. He is sick of it all. </p><p>Yet Chaekyung is still looking at him. She never looks at Sangyeon. He is never usually worth her attention, and even less so since their fight, yet she comes closer and rests her hand on the centre of Sangyeon’s back. </p><p>"How can he look me in the eye like it's nothing, Chaekyung?" </p><p>"I don't know," She offers. "I think Suhyun knew he was coming today."</p><p>"That's…" Sangyeon shakes his head and tries to loosen the tightening blockage in his throat. "That's not helpful, Chaekyung."</p><p>"I know. I'm not trying to be helpful. I just thought you should know."</p><p>"Great. Thank you so much. That's a grea—" </p><p>The bundled napkin Chaekyung shoves into Sangyeon’s face is helpful in fairness. Sangyeon wipes his face with the napkin and turns to face Chaekyung. She wrinkles her nose and shakes her head and he wipes his face again, hoping to catch all the residue of tears and snot left behind. </p><p>"What are you going to do?" </p><p>Sangyeon shrugs. </p><p>"Everyone at our table obviously knows what is going on. Chanhee's parents are probably getting caught up as we speak. Haein overheard and didn't have much to say when I asked Suhyun. Your cousin heard too. I don't think she will say anything though."</p><p>Sangyeon shrugs again, feels the pull at the muscles in the back of his neck as his head hangs. </p><p>"You're not the only one who isn't happy, by the way," Chaekyung says quietly. Sangyeon sighs. He knows that there are things more important than whatever makes him miserable, he knows that he has hurt Chaekyung and made her miserable in ways he hadn't ever thought possible. He is about to ask what on earth she wants from him until he notices the wry little smile on her lips. She says, "That Juyeon too. He can't even look at Jaehyun. What do you think happened there?" </p><p>"Who knows. You don't think Jaehyun was cheating on me with Juyeon, do you? I don't think I could take it if all the things which were special to me were just lines he fed to anyone."</p><p>Chaekyung's smile brightens at that. She reaches her arms out and closes the distance between them to cup Sangyeon’s jaw in her small hands. She is pretty like this, when she looks like she might actually have something to smile about and the glinting in her eyes isn't marred with disdain. Right now, even if Chaekyung can spare him a smile, Sangyeon knows they aren't friends so he keeps his hands to himself. </p><p>"If that turns out to be the case you should just fight him. What is anyone going to do about it? Beat him up. He'd deserve it."</p><p>Sangyeon snorts, is glad of the napkin to wipe at his nose. "I couldn't do that. I would probably just… cry on him or something."</p><p>"Have no fear, Sangyeon, if you want to cry on him you will have to cry on me first. I made sure to squeeze my chair in between yours and his."</p><p>Sangyeon shakes his head in Chaekyung's hands. "You know I love you, don't you?" </p><p>Chaekyung nods and offers a closed-lipped smile. "I know. And I know it is because I am the only one you have left."</p><p>She's right, even if Sangyeon tries to deny it. She is the only one Sangyeon has left. It isn't by choice, he knows that much. Chaekyung does what she is supposed to so that she can make her parents happy. He wonders how happy they would be if they knew that their daughter was constantly miserable. </p><p>Sangyeon won't ask. Instead he decides to be selfish. He won't mention anything at all. </p><p>They return inside and as promised there is an extra chair wedged right between his seat and Jaehyun's. Chaekyung clambers into her seat first and Sangyeon follows, pressed between Chaekyung and Chanhee. The space is tight but Sangyeon doesn't need to look at Jaehyun. He can just eat, slowly, drink, quickly, and listen to his fiancée as she does what she does best. </p><p>Chaekyung sparkles when she has an audience. Her smile is back, the one which breaks hearts every single day, and she flips her hair with each genuine giggle. </p><p>"Why did you decide to go into working with old people?" Chaekyung asks Naeun. The answer is sure to be boring but Sangyeon is curious about the expressions exchanged between Naeun and Juyeon before either of them say anything. </p><p>"I needed a job and the agency supplying carers was hiring," Naeun says succinctly. "I have been looking for a different job lately, and Haein has actually been giving me some advice about that. Even when I do leave the agency, I think I will still visit Juyeon and his family. I want to make sure my favourite patient is getting the care he needs."</p><p>Juyeon smiles proudly at that. He looks like a fool, finally able to smile since Jaehyun arrived. </p><p>"I don't think my father would accept a new care assistant after you leave. He gets so grumpy whenever I bring it up."</p><p>Chaekyung tilts her head. "How long was it before you started dating?" </p><p>Naeun laughs. And then she realises Chaekyung is serious. She closes her mouth and glances cautiously around the table before meeting Juyeon's gaze for a silent discussion. Eventually she clears her throat behind her hand and says, "We aren't dating."</p><p>"But you would make such a cute couple," Chaekyung pouts. "Don't you all think they would make a cute couple?" </p><p>Chanhee's parents agree emphatically to Naeun and Juyeon's chagrin. Sangyeon agrees because Chaekyung is his fiancée and he needs to work on being more agreeable. Chanhee very obviously does not offer a response, instead becoming incredibly engrossed in his phone. Sangyeon isn't looking at Jaehyun on purpose, so doesn't get to see his reaction but even if he tried he doubts he could pretend not to hear Jaehyun's date say, "Do you like men? I don't think you would match well with Juyeon even if you did."</p><p>That gets Chanhee's reaction at least, though it may have something to do with his parents both gesturing towards him with interest. </p><p>"No, that's not how it works," Chanhee explains tiredly to the enthused murmuring of his parents. </p><p>As much as Sangyeon would like to laugh about that, he knows Chaekyung isn't holding her breath for nothing. </p><p>"What is it to you?" Naeun asks, tone steady. </p><p>"Idle curiosity," Jaehyun's date offers. "You give me that sort of vibe, that's all." And then she turns to Chaekyung and asks, "Don't you get that same sense from her?" </p><p>Sangyeon is paying enough attention to grab Chaekyung's wrist and try to stop her from rising out of her seat. "Please don't leave me," He whispers. Chaekyung struggles for a moment before she gives in and her arm goes slack as she settles back into her seat, resigned. </p><p>Again, Sangyeon is too selfish. He is hopeless without Chaekyung and he owes her so much more than he can give her. Instead of making her own escape, she remains at Sangyeon’s side as a barrier protecting him from the very person he has ached for over the years. </p><p>Longer than Sangyeon’s pathetic longing is the time Chaekyung has spent perfecting the perfect exterior which entrances people who grow greedy for seeing her. She smiles along as though she isn't bothered at all, even laughs at Jaehyun's quipped, "Don't mind her, she's from Europe," and she offers a teasing smile when Chanhee's parents enquire about the men in Europe and whether there is anyone who would make a suitable son-in-law. </p><p>Chanhee hides his mortification well, though Sangyeon wonders what it would be like to have parents venturing into conversations in unfamiliar subjects for the sake of trying to please their child. </p><p>The speeches come at the end of the main course, just before dessert. The waiting staff in their uniforms which appear more like costumes dutifully clear away the used cutlery and crockery, though some of them are working harder than others seeing as one poor girl has been stuck at the table where JK Ju Haknyeon and Glassic Kang Mina are seated with their families. The animated conversation taking place is distracting but the first speech is from Han Seokhee's best man; his younger sister Hyeri. </p><p>It doesn't come to a surprise that Han Seokhee's only friend is his little sister who chirps like a little sparrow and giggles her way through a speech which brings her to the verge of tears multiple times. She seems sweet, always has, and according to Chaekyung she is a perfectly nice girl. She could be a literal angel and Sangyeon still wouldn't trust her. Someone so close to his sister's new husband can't be any good. Regardless of that, she has everyone else fooled enough to elicit smiles and chuckles from the guests as she rambles. </p><p>The next speech isn't from a bridesmaid or a relative but Haein herself. Of course she would choose to do the talking. She could charm a room full of enemies into a room full of allies. A day to celebrate Haein and her happiness is simply another good opportunity for her to show everyone why they adore her. </p><p>Despite the illusion of ego, Haein is gifted with appearing humble. She spends a considerable amount of time telling everyone how lucky she is in life, outlining how grateful she is to be surrounded by people who love her before she moves on to thanking everyone under the sun beginning with Kevin sitting at the piano with a sheepish expression on his face. Sangyeon rolls his eyes but he understands how long this speech is going to be. He slouches in his seat and considers taking a nap as Haein points out guests to thank personally. </p><p>"I also want to thank the people who have been with me my entire life, whether I was able to appreciate them or not," Haein says, raising her glass as she stands on the stage beside the piano. "Family is very important to me and I find that nobody understands the things a person goes through quite like their siblings do."</p><p>Haein's smile wavers, sharpening around the edges of her soft glee. Sangyeon sits up. People are already craning their necks to look towards the back corner of the ballroom where he is seated. He knows Haein doesn't hate him but he hadn't ever expected to be mentioned in the same breath as something like gratitude. </p><p>"Everyone knows my dear younger brother Sangyeon. There he is at the back of the room. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my wonderful younger sister for all the support and love she has extended to me in recent months."</p><p>The murmur which swells across the ballroom is quick, though the clearer confusion which rises to the top of the current as aerated seafoam crests in Sangyeon’s ears as Chaekyung asks, "What sister?" </p><p>Sangyeon shakes his head. He doesn't have a clue. Though he recognises the smile which unfurls across Haein's face. He has seen their mother wear that smile too many times and it never precedes anything good. Enough people know what it means yet Sangyeon can hear the futile warnings from his parents rise above the muttering and whispers. </p><p>"I would like to raise a toast to my sister, Lee Naeun. Most of you won't have met her yet, seeing as my parents are ashamed of the fact there are any illegitimate children around, so you should be able to see her sitting at the same table as my brother. She's very pretty, it runs in the family of course. I hope you can all be very gracious when getting to know and love her as you love me."</p><p>Haein goes on, waxing poetic about the struggles of poor illegitimate Lee Naeun who hasn't seen even the sparkle of gold down in the gutter or wherever it is she had been relegated to when their father refused to acknowledge her. </p><p>Sangyeon can only imagine the shame and anger emanating from his parents at a time like this. Unlike Haein, he doesn't thrive when their parents are riled up. He lifts his gaze across the table to the woman who seems to only meet his eyes by accident and then refuses to back down from whatever challenge she sees there. </p><p>"Do you have any proof?" </p><p>Naeun shrugs. "I will get my proof, don't worry about that."</p><p>"Is that why you're always hanging around my sister?" Sangyeon asks Juyeon. "Because you and your little girlfriend are after money."</p><p>"I work for your sister," Juyeon says firmly. "I do as she asks, that's all. I know people like you and Jaehyun don't think you have to answer to anybody but you can't do as you please. You can't just treat people like they don't matter and expect that nothing will come of it."</p><p>"Who are you to try and tell me how to act?" Sangyeon asks, the flare of heat in his chest making his hands shake. </p><p>Juyeon stares back, steadily, disinterested. "I don't have to be anyone," he says. He glances at Jaehyun and adds, "I have never been anyone. You two made that very clear to me."</p><p>Jaehyun clears his throat gently and offers, "Whatever it is that you think we did—" </p><p>"Shut up, Jaehyun. I don't want to hear a word from you if you are going to pretend nothing happened." </p><p>Sangyeon glances between the two men. Before Jaehyun had left they could have been considered best friends. Sangyeon finds himself curious too, not a clue evident on Jaehyun's face as he looks at Juyeon. </p><p>Jaehyun's date laughs. "What did you do to him?" </p><p>"Nothing," Jaehyun says, jaw tight. </p><p>"That's right," Juyeon agrees. "Nothing. You shouldn't have come back, Jaehyun. You'll see where doing nothing gets you." </p><p>It sounds like a threat and Sangyeon really has to wonder what occurred between them that Juyeon sounds angrier than even Sangyeon is at Jaehyun's reappearance. </p><p>Across the table, Juyeon, someone who has never quite been a friend, and Naeun, a stranger who is allegedly a sister, sit with defiance in their faces. Whatever it is they are doing, whoever they think they are, Sangyeon sees fragments of Haein in their faces. It can't lead to anything good. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Stars Live in the Dark — June 2013</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sangyeon has a run-in with an aggressive first-year and he meets the brother of one of his friends.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i updated the tags!!!! (i am consistently bad at tagging so i have been trying to add tags as i remember what happens in this). please do check the tags and turn back if there is anything too sketchy or off for you!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though Sangyeon was patient, he felt a lot like Juyeon was testing him. Break started eight minutes ago and he still hadn't come up to the second year classrooms before Scholarship Sejeong had managed to write an entire page of Sangyeon’s essay due this afternoon. </p><p>As patient as he was, Sangyeon could appreciate people on their merit, such as Scholarship Sejeong who was smart enough to enter a school for children of the elites based on her intellect alone. Without the full scholarship Sangyeon imagined she would have her head down a toilet right about now but at Muhan Academy under Sangyeon’s watchful eye she was doing alright. </p><p>Juyeon, on the other hand, was not making such a good impression. He had such good timekeeping up until now. Sangyeon decided to give him a few more minutes. He was generous enough to extend the benefit of the doubt when Juyeon could simply have been caught in the corridors by one of the sports team coaches. The life of a scholarship student was probably difficult for him too. </p><p>Complaining about it to Scholarship Sejeong wouldn't be quite right because she often peered at Sangyeon through her thick spectacles cluelessly. He needed Chaekyung, wherever it was she had disappeared off to. She had made a habit of disappearing this year. So Sangyeon was stuck with Scholarship Sejeong as entertainment. </p><p>"Have you used up all your lunch money for this week?" </p><p>Scholarship Sejeong blinked owlishly at Sangyeon and shook her head. Her hand came to a pause on the page in front of her as she bit her lip. </p><p>"You paid me extra last time because I forged that 97 for your maths test."</p><p>"I did? I'm so generous," Sangyeon mused. He hadn't anything else to say and Scholarship Sejeong returned to scribbling on the page. Her handwriting was remarkably similar to Sangyeon’s. It was useful at times like this. Since the beginning of first year, Sangyeon had hired Sejeong so they had the system fine-tuned to perfection. Scholarship Sejeong completed Sangyeon’s assignments, tutored him, and in the frequent instances of failing marks she would forge his tests and report cards and his parents' signatures. There was something to be said about the most unlikely people having their uses. </p><p>"Sangyeon, I'm sorry I am late," Juyeon garbled as he ran into the classroom and skidded to his knees at Sangyeon’s feet. His hair was a mess and he was panting, red-faced, so he must have run here from the first year classrooms downstairs. Innocent apology swam over the shine of his earnest eyes and Sangyeon sighed. If Juyeon was so sincere he must really have had no choice. </p><p>"What do you have for me?" Sangyeon asked, kind enough not to ask any questions about lateness. Juyeon nodded quickly and his hands drifted to his bulging blazer pocket. Somehow he had managed to squeeze a carton of strawberry milk in there but he wasn't having any luck getting it out again. "I'll die of thirst by the time you give it to me." </p><p>"I'm sorry, Sangyeon, it won't happen again." Juyeon's eyes were downcast and his hands shook as they searched his other pockets for a packet of crisps and a squashed sandwich. Sangyeon sighed as he tossed the sandwich aside. He had heard all this before. There was a reason Juyeon only brought cold drinks these days and that incident had been followed with a sheepish "It won't happen again," in the nurse's office. It hadn't happened again since — the hot chocolate and the scalding — but Sangyeon couldn't quite work out what the next step down from strawberry milk was. </p><p>"Hands and knees," Sangyeon instructed, too tired of this to question it right now. Juyeon nodded and did as he was told, a perfect footstool for Sangyeon. "Scholarship Sejeong, do you want the sand— Chaekyung! Chaekyung, look, I have a sandwich if you want it. Or a packet of crisps. If you want strawberry milk you'll have to get on the floor and drink it right out of Juyeon's pocket."</p><p>Chaekyung narrowed her eyes where she stood in the doorway before she flipped her hair over her shoulder and stalked towards the front of the classroom. Her wavy brown hair flounced behind her near weightlessly before she tossed terse words over her shoulder. "I'm not looking at you, Sangyeon."</p><p>She was looking at Sangyeon less and less these days. When Minkyeung had dumped him, Sangyeon was initially relieved because he had the chance to get back to spending time with Chaekyung and Suhyun but that had not turned out to be the case. She will start looking at Sangyeon again, he was determined for that to happen. </p><p>"Hey, Scholarship Sejeong, do you fancy writing something for Chaekyung?" Sangyeon posed. Scholarship Sejeong glanced up at him and looked almost as though she was about to shake her head before Sangyeon felt the world shake and he spilled gracelessly out of his chair. The jolting impact of hitting the floor was equally as disorientating as the classroom tipping on its side. Most confusing of all was the agitated student standing over Sangyeon after kicking him out of his seat. </p><p>"Can I help you?" Sangyeon asked. The interested buzz of his classmates fell to a hush and Sangyeon’s wounded pride pointed out that this might finally be the time Chaekyung looked at him. Typical. The colour of the student's tie was green, so he was a first-year, like Juyeon. In contrast with that, the student's face was redder than Sangyeon’s tie and growing ruddier by the second. </p><p>"Who do you think you are?" The first-year hissed, impressively composed considering they were hardly breathing. </p><p>Sangyeon wasn't often asked this question, not even in the conventionally polite sense. Being asked such a novel question had Sangyeon in a better mood than expected. This first-year was good. Now Sangyeon was the curious one. He leaned back on his hands, crown of his head knocking against a table leg but not hard enough to pay it any mind, and he added a coquettish tilt to his head as he replied, "I am Lee Sangyeon. Who are you?" </p><p>That did the job. The first-year took a halting step forward and motioned as though to reach for Sangyeon until Juyeon appeared between them, hands on his classmate's shoulders and a placating shine to his voice as he said, "It's fine. Don't get mad, please."</p><p>"How can I not get mad when you're on your hands and knees for him?" The first-year spat. His hands trembled at his sides even as Juyeon tried to calm him further. Watching from down here was interesting. Gangly Juyeon and his clumsily honest intentions trying to soothe a friend who was far angrier than the situation called for. He wasn't even the one kicked from his chair in full view of his class. Sangyeon had no idea what this kid's problem was. </p><p>"Listen to Juyeon, it will do you some good."</p><p>Admittedly, Sangyeon had the intention of goading the first-year and it worked. His dark eyes flashed and he pressed against Juyeon's hold to get a better view of Sangyeon. </p><p>"Get up. My father taught me to never punch a man when he was down." </p><p>Delighted murmurs rippled through the onlooking classmates and Sangyeon momentarily wondered why they couldn't get on with their own business. Take a leaf out of Scholarship Sejeong's book. She was scribbling fast enough that she'd probably have time to write two of Sangyeon’s essays before break was done. She was impressive like that. He would commend her later. For now he had an impertinent first-year to attend to. </p><p>"Seeing as you asked so nicely," Sangyeon drawled, "I'll get up. Just for you."</p><p>"Please don't, Sangyeon." Juyeon had abandoned his friend, eyes imploring as he reached for Sangyeon’s sleeve. As earnest as he was, he didn't have the right to plead with Sangyeon over this. Sangyeon brushed him away easily and saw anticipation and a fear flare in the eyes of the strange first-year. </p><p>He made such a strange figure as he retreated from Sangyeon’s advance. Jittery, almost timid despite the way he announced his arrival. After kicking Sangyeon from his chair just a moment ago, this first-year wasn't so brave. Sangyeon couldn't help but smirk at the way the first-year's eyes widened once he reached the wall. The door wasn't so far away. Sangyeon wondered which of them would reach the exit first. With the first-year pinned against the wall with nothing but his own fear it was likely that Sangyeon could head off any escape if he wanted to. Not that he needed to. </p><p>The first-year flinched when Sangyeon slammed his hand against the wall. Chatter rippled through the crowd of classmates gathering closer. Sangyeon gripped the lapel of the first-year's collar and relished the sharp intake of breath. </p><p>Sangyeon wasn't a thug, not really, but he has been able to teach people lessons in respect. He didn't mind taking time out of his breaktime to ensure this kid doesn't step out of line again. </p><p>"Sangyeon, please don't, that's my brother!" </p><p>Sangyeon turned to look in the doorway at Suhyun. He didn't know where she had been, nor why she hadn't arrived with Chaekyung, but the apprehension on her face was too genuine to ignore. Sangyeon glanced back at the first-year and again at Suhyun. </p><p>"This is little Jaehyun?" </p><p>Suhyun nodded. That changed things. Sangyeon probably couldn't touch his friend's brother. Unfortunately, little Jaehyun was not bound by the same code. </p><p>Stars floated in Sangyeon’s view as pain burst across his face. He hated this kid. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>As expected the school nurse was not in the office. Sangyeon took the opportunity to lean more heavily into Chaekyung's side. </p><p>"Please, goddess Chaekyung, you must heal me." </p><p>Chaekyung scoffed and shoved him onto the vacant bed opposite the bed Suhyun instructed her brother to sit on. The girls barely knew anything about first aid, but Sangyeon wasn't about to help them to work out which cupboard to find all the tissues and gauzes. </p><p>Sangyeon’s eyes still stung, water glossing over them as he pinched a wad of tissue around his nose. He glanced across the way in time to see Jaehyun take his tissue away from his nose. Blood streamed scarlet, channelled through his philtrum and running over his cupid's bow. </p><p>Suhyun clucked as she hurried over and squeezed the tissue around her brother's nose as he whined at the pressure. </p><p>"What are you thinking of by headbutting someone?" Suhyun asked. </p><p>"Are you really friends with him?" Jaehyun asked weakly. </p><p>Suhyun glanced behind at Sangyeon and very carefully didn't return his smile. </p><p>"Yes. He's my friend. You shouldn't be headbutting my friends."</p><p>"He's horrible," Jaehyun whined. "He had my friend on his hands and knees like an animal. That's not the first time, is it? How can you let him do things like that?" </p><p>Sangyeon was interested too. But Suhyun's silence was revealing. She was Sangyeon’s friend for a reason. She was the person Sangyeon went to for a criticism of someone else, or to hear a joke or a story at someone else's expense. Though Chaekyung wasn't looking at Sangyeon so much these days he didn't feel half as neglected by Suhyun. They were probably more similar. She had even asked to borrow Juyeon once or twice. </p><p>"It's just playing around," Suhyun said quietly. "If your friend hates it so much, why does he come to see Sangyeon every day without complaining?" </p><p>Chaekyung strolled over to flump onto the bed beside Sangyeon and dropped a toilet roll in his lap. "Didn't you tell him off that one time that he did?" </p><p>"When?" Sangyeon asked, just as clueless as Suhyun looked. </p><p>"Remember when you made him feed you and he poured hot chocolate over your lap? You fought with Minkyeung for a whole week because she never visited you during your two hours in hospital after it happened," Chaekyung said cheerily as she reached for Sangyeon’s spare hand. "I wonder why your memory is so short when it comes to Juyeon."</p><p>"I'm a generous man," Sangyeon suggested. Chaekyung's fingertips were gentle as they trailed over the cuts and grazes on his knuckles. </p><p>"Not generous enough," Chaekyung said quietly. </p><p>Maybe she was right. Not that Sangyeon knew what he could do to appear generous enough to earn her approval. She was that sort of friend. She demanded people stretch for standards that nobody could reach and she was worth it. Her secret admirers were well aware of that, several of them going to wilder and wilder extremes to get her attention. </p><p>Sangyeon wondered just how far an admirer would go to try and win over someone who was destined to be his. </p><p>"Juyeon isn't a tough guy," Jaehyun said in the quiet of the nurse's office. "He won't stand up for himself. That doesn't mean he likes getting on the floor for you."</p><p>"You're wrong about that," Sangyeon said as he checked the tissue he'd held up to his own nose. The bloodflow had stopped though he still felt too sensitive as he sniffed at the burning of the clot in his nostrils. The headbutt hadn't done so much damage. That was the best result. A broken nose would have ruined a lot more than Sangyeon’s school shirt. "Juyeon can look after himself. He doesn't need you fighting his battles for him."</p><p>"He does need me," Jaehyun said, too much fire in his voice as he attempted to discard the tissue stemming the blood pouring from his nostrils. He wasn't ready yet, too many vessels burst to give him an easy time. Suhyun was ready with more tissues which he snatched away without thanks. "If there is someone helpless to submit to people like you then they need me." </p><p>"And what exactly do you think you can do about it?" Sangyeon asked. </p><p>The warning glare from Suhyun was interesting to say the least, especially when Jaehyun's gaze sharpened as he looked past his sister to Sangyeon with blood spattering down his face. </p><p>"I will do anything to stop you."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Sangyeon couldn't stop thinking about Jaehyun's vow. As naive and ridiculous as he sounded it was kind of cool. Jaehyun made Sangyeon sound like a villain. Being a villain could be fun. </p><p>"Suhyun, how is your brother's nose?" Sangyeon asked a few days later. His own parents hadn't mentioned anything when they saw Sangyeon after the incident and it was up to Haein to suggest he sought medical attention. Of course Sangyeon was fine but the bandage still stuck across his nose was earning him sympathy from teachers as well as other students. Even Chaekyung was looking at him these days. </p><p>Suhyun stopped gawking over Scholarship Sejeong's shoulder quite so brazenly and did a terrible impression of an innocent person. </p><p>"You'll see tonight," she said. </p><p>"Why will I?" Sangyeon asked with narrowed eyes. </p><p>"You're coming over for a dinner party. Our parents are hosting you, the Glassic Kangs, the MaCo Kims, and for some reason the Camink Chois."</p><p>Sangyeon was even more suspicious. "Why are the Camink Chois <em>and</em> the MaCo Kims invited?" </p><p>"Ask my parents if it bothers you so much," Suhyun shrugged. Her eyes strayed to Sejeong but even her eyes would struggle to actually see what was being written from a distance. "I thought you liked the Camink Chois. You know, there's that boy. That kid." </p><p>"Chanhee," Sangyeon prompted. "There's nothing wrong with him, I just don't understand why his family is invited. Doesn't it seem like a weird mix?" </p><p>Suhyun shrugged. "Why should I care? Why do you? It's a dinner party. Just dress nice."</p><p>A dinner party. Nothing unusual. Sangyeon was curious just how bad Jaehyun's nose looked at this point. Possibly not too bad if Suhyun didn't care at all. </p><p>"Scholarship Sejeong," Sangyeon said, "How about coming along as my date?" </p><p>The response was Sejeong staring through her smeared glasses at Sangyeon in disdain. Suhyun took the opportunity to snatch the sheet of paper from the desk. </p><p>"You should come," Suhyun said as she squinted at the page. "I changed my mind. I can't read your handwriting to copy this. You're not allowed to come."</p><p>"I wouldn't want to come anyway," Sejeong said. She reached up for the essay she was writing for Sangyeon and it slipped easily out of Suhyun's fingers. </p><p>"Good. You're not invited. But you still have to come, Sangyeon."</p><p>It was entirely possible that Scholarship Sejeong genuinely didn't care, just as she appeared. Perhaps she had a night full of homework ahead, though Sangyeon wondered why she wouldn't be interested in having some fun. Surely people like her needed time to have fun too. Whatever she thought of as fun can't have been half as interesting as even the mind-numbing dinner parties Sangyeon had to sit through. He needed to do his part and let his parents brag and show him off in front of families with children much more impressive than he was. Sejeong probably just stared at walls in her boring and empty house for fun. Sangyeon decided he didn't want to find out what people like her did. Bitching about the social circles their families maintained was more than enough fun in comparison to that. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The journey to the Samand Lee mansion was quieter than usual. The typical tension in the car was absent but Sangyeon’s parents were quiet enough that he didn't want to say a word to Haein. Her dress was a bit much for a meal with their family friends. Haein was making plenty of noise in her chainmail dress and the vibration of messages pinging to her phone. Aside from that, it was too quiet. </p><p>To pass the airless time, Sangyeon sent text messages to the girls, though he supposed Haein's constant typing away at her phone keys was sign that Suhyun and Chaekyung would much rather talk to her than to him. Sangyeon was beginning to feel desperate. Did he not have any friends? He was even considering sending messages to Scholarship Sejeong or Juyeon. Suhyun was going to have to listen to his complaints for a long time if she couldn't spare even a minute to stop texting someone whose dress looked like it had been excavated in an archaeological dig. </p><p>Sangyeon was beginning to wonder whether he was underdressed. It was summer so it didn't call for much more than a light shirt and some trousers which apparently hadn't seen a tailor before making their way into Sangyeon’s wardrobe. It wouldn't matter. The adults in their confusing flirtation with formality hadn't had anything to say to either Sangyeon or Haein about their attire, and that shouldn't have been quite as unsettling as it was. </p><p>Reaching the Samand Lee mansion was a welcome relief. Sangyeon leapt through the car door once the driver opened it and he had no qualms about sprinting to the front door. The front door was unlocked, of course, and there was a surprised maid to try to take his coat. </p><p>"Suhyun!" Sangyeon shouted as he dumped his light summer coat with the bumbling maid. His voice echoed around the cavernous, white foyer but it didn't bring Suhyun. He strode across the obnoxiously monogrammed floor tiles and up the first few steps of the gleaming, white staircase. "Lee Suhyun, don't make me suffer alone tonight." </p><p>The click of heels behind Sangyeon was not something he should have been glad to hear, not when he turned to see Kim Minkyeung standing in the middle of the foyer. Sangyeon knew something was wrong. The MaCo Kims wouldn't be here with the Camink Chois. The Hwagang Kims, on the other hand, absolutely would. </p><p>Minkyeung looked good, though she seemed to have dressed to the same code as Haein. Her emerald dress pooled on the floor behind her as she stared up at Sangyeon with her hands clenching into fists at her sides. </p><p>The vantage point of being on the stairs was good enough for Sangyeon. He didn't have to think too hard about the fact she was at eye-level at the best of times, dwarfed him when she wore heels as she did today. Though she was still a first-year at high school herself, Minkyeung was intimidating. She knew that fact well. </p><p>"Your girlfriend is here." Minkyeung's voice was clear though a tremor betrayed her glittering composure. Sangyeon didn't have quite the same trouble. </p><p>"You made it very clear that you have no intention of being my girlfriend," Sangyeon retorted. Minkyeung's lips thinned and her nostrils flared. Before she could say anything too awful, Haein clinked into the stark light of the foyer in her suit of armour. A hero right when Sangyeon needed one. </p><p>"Minkyeung, my darling, you look absolutely precious."</p><p>In an instant, the trembling rage simmered to uncertain coyness as Minkyeung greeted Haein cautiously. Despite the crown of her head barely reaching as high as Minkyeung's nose, Haein had a perfectly placating effect simply by existing. Her hand was gentle, welcoming, on Minkyeung's arm. It was enough to sap the snarl from Minkyeung's face. Sangyeon took his chance to escape and dashed up the staircase to find Suhyun's bedroom. </p><p>Sangyeon hated this stupid house with the stupid white walls and the stupid white carpet and the stupid portraits of Suhyun's parents smiling at each other from every imaginable surface. </p><p>And he supposed he hated Suhyun's bedroom too now that it looked like a nature reserve that her vicious cat was content to roam around. The owner of the room was wearing nothing but her mis-matched underwear as she swayed and scrutinised the reflection of the dress in her hands. </p><p>"What's this?" </p><p>Suhyun twirled around with her dress held up to her chest, frowning at Sangyeon. </p><p>"Do you not like my dress? Chaekyung said it was nice."</p><p>"It is nice," Chaekyung piped up from the bed where she was sprawled amongst a pile of dresses. Minkyeung's comment started to make more sense. Chaekyung wasn't Sangyeon’s girlfriend but it was a matter of time before their parents came to an agreement about their engagement. Chaekyung was a much better match than Minkyeung ever was. </p><p>The Hwagang Kims had money, nobody they knew was without, but Minkyeung's mother was a lowly actress who married up into the society she spent a lot of time disparaging. Minkyeung was a lot like her mother: beautiful, disdainful, not quite good enough. Though Minkyeung probably wasn't the type to lie down and accept people's lipstick prints across her chest. At least, Minkyeung wasn't the type to even entertain ideas like that with Sangyeon. </p><p>"I've been texting you both, you know," Sangyeon said pointedly. Chaekyung rolled her eyes and sat up on the bed, her fingers idly stroking over silk pooling in her lap. </p><p>"Was it anything interesting?" </p><p>"No," Sangyeon admitted. "I just wanted to talk. Clearly it wasn't mutual. What are you doing here anyway?" </p><p>"I live here," came a sullen voice from behind Sangyeon. He twisted in the doorway, screaming loudly enough that he didn't have a hope of hearing Chaekyung's explanation. Sangyeon was disappointed to find Suhyun's little brother standing in the brightly lit corridor outside the bedroom. </p><p>Sangyeon reached for Jaehyun with the intent to pinch his bandaged nose but his hand didn't quite make it when the kid dodged out of the way. </p><p>"Don't touch me. Dinner is going to be served soon so you need to hurry and come down stairs." </p><p>"Why are you directing all this at me?" Sangyeon asked, bristling at the way Jaehyun was looking at him. Since being headbutted the first time (though it wasn't accurate or hard enough to do the damage that was intended) Sangyeon was wary of standing too close to Jaehyun. That fact alone was at odds with the way he wanted to square up to this kid. He was scared at school. He should have been scared here too but instead he was rude. Annoying. There were worse offenders present. "She's not even dressed, you know."</p><p>Jaehyun shrugged. "She's not coming to dinner. I don't care whether she's dressed or not. You're a guest. I was told to come and get you." </p><p>For once it wasn't Jaehyun who was the most annoying person in sight. Sangyeon turned to stare into Suhyun's bedroom. Peering through the artificial foliage only made it easier for Chaekyung to avoid eye contact. Suhyun only looked a little sheepish. "You're not coming to dinner? After you made sure I was coming? After you lied and said the MaCo Kims were coming instead of the Hwagang Kims?" </p><p>"To be fair, I thought Minkyeung was a MaCo Kim. I did text you. We're going out to plan Haein and Chaekyung's joint party." </p><p>"You didn't. I have been staring at my phone and waiting for at least one of you to text me."</p><p>"Oh. Well I meant to tell you. I must have forgotten." </p><p>How convenient of Suhyun to forget when she had something better to do. Chaekyung's guilt pinked her cheeks but her expression was mostly unaffected aside from that. Considering Sangyeon’s recent realisation that he didn't have many friends beyond the two of them, things weren't looking great. </p><p>"I could have pretended to be sick. Why did I have to come?" Sangyeon grumbled. Suhyun shrugged and returned to looking in the mirror. </p><p>"You'll be fine. Jaehyun is here."</p><p>"He tried to break my nose three days ago." </p><p>Suhyun hummed. "Jaehyun, do you promise not to attack Sangyeon?" </p><p>"He would have done more than break my nose if you hadn't stopped him," Jaehyun protested from the hallway. That was absolutely not an acceptable answer but Suhyun smiled as she tossed her dress aside and retrieved another one from her bed. </p><p>"See," she said. "You're practically friends already." </p><p>Sangyeon was not friends with Jaehyun by any stretch of the imagination. Right now he didn't particularly want to be friends with Suhyun either. Of course she would prefer to spend time with Haein. Sangyeon’s older sister was smarter, and witter, and kinder, and more charming than Sangyeon could ever hope to be. He couldn't even blame the preference on Suhyun's ill-fated crush. Chaekyung, like Suhyun, was making her feelings clear. </p><p>Maybe Sangyeon was only a school friend to the two of them. He had other options. He could occupy himself with other people who weren't so quick to pass him up for his sister. Unfortunately the first people he thought of were his parents. In addition to being a pathetic second option, Sangyeon was sixteen years deep in the knowledge that his parents favoured Haein over him anyway. </p><p>Haein was smart, business-minded, and charming. Why wouldn't anyone choose her over Sangyeon who apparently doesn't have any friends? </p><p>Sangyeon glanced at Jaehyun and gave up. </p><p>"Come on." </p><p>The Samand house, as ugly as it was, had an easy enough layout to navigate considering all the times Sangyeon had been here. He didn't need Jaehyun trotting just behind him, a cloud of apprehension pressing against the back of Sangyeon’s neck as he made his way to the ground floor. </p><p>The dining room, just like all of the rooms in this awful house, was stark white with dark accents to contrast the gleaming bright walls. Even this room wasn't exempt from the gratuitous portraits. There was one family portrait taken when Suhyun and Jaehyun's ages were still single digits, the pair of them grinning cheesily at the camera whilst their parents' heads were bowed towards one another with expressions on their faces which had no place in a dining room. Unfortunately for Sangyeon, the only seat with a place setting at the long dinner table for him was opposite this portrait. He took his seat beside Chanhee and looked away from Jaehyun who sat in front of that ridiculous portrait. Looking away put Kang Mina and Kim Minkyeung in Sangyeon’s sight. </p><p>"Now that everyone is here, I shall call for the first course to be served," Jaehyun's mother said cheerily. </p><p>"That's right," Sangyeon’s mother said as she raised her wine glass and peered over it. She could have convinced anyone she was bored, though Sangyeon knew better. "How has a son of mine reached a point in life where he barges into other people's houses, uninvited?" </p><p>"I was invited, unfortunately," Sangyeon said. "Where is Haein? She can't have left without her friends seeing as I was just with them." </p><p>"Haein is in the small lounge," Jaehyun's mother said. Her voice was far too floaty and soft compared to the hard grit in his own mother's voice. Hearing Haein's name in such a gentle tone was strange. Unusual. It didn't make the words any more palatable. </p><p>Sangyeon sighed, cutting the sound short once he noticed the matching glares from his parents. </p><p>The food was nice enough as meals tended to be when prepared by professional chefs but the conversation on the adult end of the table was dull and the conversation on the kids side of the table was about homework, or bubblegum or something. The dinner party was extremely dull and it wasn't difficult for his mind to focus on the sounds outside the room, namely the echoing of the girls squealing at each other as they left the Samand house. Not that Sangyeon should have been concerned about that seeing as they weren't his friends or anything. </p><p>"What about you, Sangyeon?" Kang Mina was young, a middle-schooler if Sangyeon remembered correctly, and her eyes sparkled just as much as the jewels her family were renowned for cutting and curating. The focused light in her eyes didn't do much more than alert Sangyeon to the fact he had no idea what was going on. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"In the summer. You're coming to the JK resort for a weekend or two, right?" </p><p>Glancing around this half of the table — Jaehyun, Minkyeung, Mina, and Chanhee — it really was a wonder that Sangyeon was being asked. These kids were all younger than Sangyeon and, aside from Chanhee who was hot and cold at the best of times, none of them particularly liked him. </p><p>"Why are you asking me?" </p><p>"It will be fun," Mina reasoned with a pout. "Haknyeon will be disappointed if you don't come, you know."</p><p>Sangyeon rolled his eyes. He wasn't already locked into an engagement the way Mina and Ju Haknyeon were but this was still too far. There was no reason for Mina to be inviting people on his behalf. They're children. Sangyeon wasn't going to play along with the pretense that aped the miserable pomp a few empty chairs over on Sangyeon’s left. </p><p>"I don't think I will come," Sangyeon said tightly. </p><p>"Why not?" Chanhee asked, voice quiet but not low enough to mask his reproach. </p><p>"You're going?" </p><p>"Yeah," Chanhee said with a shrug, not quite as though he truly didn't care. "I think it will be fun to get away from everything."</p><p>No matter where any of them went they would never truly escape their lives and all that came with them. Sangyeon felt a bit bad for his thoughts a moment ago. Chanhee liked Sangyeon enough to tell him secrets which had tacked and mired him into gloom before now. He was somewhat like a friend. </p><p>"Alright. I'll think about it," Sangyeon said nonchalantly. </p><p>"Good. You look like you could use some cheering up," Chanhee said, equally as uncaring if he pretended hard enough. "Happy people don't go around with ugly bandages on their faces."</p><p>"That's right," Mina agreed with an emphatic nod. "Who have you been fighting this time? Why do you and Jaehyun both have hurt noses?" </p><p>"They were fighting," Minkyeung said. Her eyes were sharp as she levelled her gaze at Sangyeon, something daring sparking in the depths of her irises. "Over a boy."</p><p>"If I wanted a boy, Minkyeung, I wouldn't need to fight for him," Sangyeon grumbled. He hadn't forgotten that her words were often laced with spite but he had assumed Minkyeung had the sense to at least pretend to have enough manners not to try and stir up trouble. </p><p>Sangyeon’s mother was right. Minkyeung was too much like her mother, uncaring for a world she never even attempted to fit within. She was too insecure, probably fighting against the notion that she didn't really belong. Sangyeon pitied her. She was too quick to resort to deflection. It wasn't as though anyone was paying her attention in the first place, though Sangyeon wondered whether that was the point. </p><p>"Do you want a boy?" Chanhee asked, something too close to betrayal in his voice, as though he had hidden away secrets that day when they decided to tell each other things that hadn't yet been voiced to anyone else. </p><p>"Of course I don't, Chanhee, shut up." Sangyeon finally raised his gaze to Jaehyun sitting opposite him with his stupid bandaged nose on his stupid face sitting in front of that stupid family portrait. "You can have him. I don't want a boy, and if I did, it wouldn't be that one. Are you happy now?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Why don't you get it?" Jaehyun frowned. "You're a bully, Sangyeon. The way you treat Juyeon isn't right. Someone needed to stand up to you."</p><p>Jaehyun must have been too much like Minkyeung's mother too, though he had less excuse aside from the fact he hadn't been in Seoul for several years. Maybe growing up in boarding schools in Canada and Europe did this to a person, cast them into the type to glare at Sangyeon and toss sharp words at him across the dinner table. </p><p>"Right," Sangyeon said, as steadily as he could with the knowledge that his parents must have been listening in by this point. "And you're that person who is going to stand up to me? Juyeon is my friend. If he had a problem he would have said it."</p><p>"He's not your friend," Jaehyun shouted. There wasn't a doubt about Sangyeon’s parents listening in now. "You don't know anything about Juyeon, you just treat him like he isn't even worth his own dignity. If you treat all your friends the way you treat him, no wonder Suhyun wants nothing to do with you."</p><p>Chanhee's hand, small and cold, came to rest on Sangyeon’s blanched Knuckles as he gripped his plate, ready to throw, but it was too late. </p><p>"That's enough, Sangyeon." </p><p>It wasn't enough. It was nowhere near enough. Sangyeon wanted to hear more, all about how he wasn't really imagining the ravine forming between himself and the friends who had grown tired of his presence. But his father had spoken so all he could do was clench his jaw and put down the plate he was about to throw. </p><p>"Did you really fight, boys? Is that why you're both hurt?" Jaehyun's mother asks, floaty voice small and wispy as it rose over the grim hush. </p><p>"It wasn't a fight," Jaehyun said quickly. "We just had a disagreement."</p><p>"It was definitely a fight," Minkyeung interjected as she leaned around Jaehyun to be seen. "The whole of Sangyeon’s class was around to see it too. Apparently it was a good job that Suhyun intervened, otherwise it could have been a lot worse."</p><p>Sangyeon wondered why exactly Minkyeung was opening her mouth about something which didn't concern her, though he understood why that was not the point of focus for any of the parents seated at their end of the table. </p><p>"That's my son," Jaehyun's mother said, her voice wavering already. </p><p>"I'm fine."</p><p>"He lied to protect you. He said he tripped down some stairs."</p><p>"Don't you think he'd be more hurt than that if he fell down some stairs?" Chanhee's mother said. Her tone sounded like she thought she was offering words of comfort rather than making things worse. Jaehyun's mother's face crumpled as her eyes glistened with tears. </p><p>"Please calm down, Yeseul," Sangyeon’s mother said, clearly bored with this whole situation. "Sangyeon, you must be punished for hurting Yeseul's precious son. Come here at once." </p><p>Sangyeon was just as bored of this whole thing as his mother was but she was going to be fine. It made sense why Haein wouldn't want to come to one of these dinners, especially after she had put up with her share of public admonishments but it still felt as though Sangyeon was on the receiving end far too often. </p><p>Sangyeon stood from the table when his father prompted him. It was easier to accept his fate. Standing where instructed, Sangyeon waited as his mother rose to her feet. He braced himself. </p><p>The impact of the slap came — the wrong side of Sangyeon’s face considering his mother's weapon of choice was her left hand. The slap came much sharper than expected — and he staggered backwards, disappointingly flimsy as he clutched his face. Wordlessly she instructed him to lower his hands and she cracked the back of her hand across his face once more. </p><p>"Are you bleeding?" his mother asked as she reached for a napkin and polished at her rings. </p><p>The entire right side of Sangyeon’s face felt numb. He pressed his hands tighter to the molten pain easing through the dead of his skin and shook his head. "I don't know, Mother. Maybe." </p><p>"Go and clean yourself up, there's a good boy." </p><p>Sangyeon nodded. He knew the layout of the house. He would be fine. He had taken what he needed to. Passing by the house staff, Sangyeon found the downstairs toilet. It was stupidly, stark white, just like the rest of the house. Sangyeon’s eyes hurt and that was why his eyes were watering, not because he was crying. </p><p>Quickly, he wadded up toilet paper to hold against the ache in his cheek. The torn skin and the humiliation were a miserable combination that had him crouching in the little toilet and snivelling pathetically. </p><p>He wished Haein was here. She would dab away his tears and make him laugh. Suhyun being here would be just as good, and she would cuss out Sangyeon’s mother with fearless vitriol. Chaekyung would even be good. She was the type to hold onto someone and probably start silently weeping herself so Sangyeon would have to cheer her up instead. Anything was better than crying by himself. </p><p>For a moment, Sangyeon thought he managed to conjure one of the friends who were right not to want him. The door opened and Sangyeon didn't even have the chance to make himself look presentable. Before embarrassment, disappointment sank to the pit of Sangyeon’s stomach. </p><p>Jaehyun didn't say a word. He settled on his knees in front of Sangyeon and reached for his cheek. His fingers trembled as he brushed away Sangyeon’s hands but he looked focused as he peeled away the tissue paper. </p><p>"Why are you here?" Sangyeon asked, his voice tripping on hiccups. As pathetic as he sounded, this would all be forgotten tomorrow until someone needed to use this against Sangyeon. He didn't know Jaehyun well, wasn't sure how soon that occasion would arise, but he'd take his chances. </p><p>"I live here," Jaehyun said as he pressed more wadded tissue to Sangyeon’s bleeding cheek, "I was worried, especially after the sound. And I was right to worry. You're crying. But your cuts don't look too bad. You won't be scarred for life. If you did want a boy, you probably wouldn't have to fight for him." </p><p>Sangyeon snorted, reaching for more tissue to sort out the snot which dislodged itself at his aborted laugh. </p><p>"Does your nose still hurt?" </p><p>Sangyeon shook his head, an oddly heavy motion with Jaehyun's hand at his cheek. "No. But the bruising looks nasty so I am keeping the bandages on." </p><p>"You're fine already?" Jaehyun asked wistfully. "I can't sleep without taking painkillers and I keep having nosebleeds at school." </p><p>"Don't you think it serves you right for headbutting me?" </p><p>"What would have happened otherwise? Would I be fine if I hadn't tried to get you first?" </p><p>"I don't know," Sangyeon said honestly. He was going to hit Jaehyun more than once, that was all he could be certain of. He dropped his gaze, unsure of why Jaehyun would extend gestures of kindness to someone who most certainly didn't have his wellbeing in mind. </p><p>Jaehyun was someone who could vow to do anything to stop Sangyeon but at this moment he was someone who said he was worried. It didn't entirely make sense. </p><p>"I'm sorry that you hurt yourself more than you hurt me," Sangyeon said, an attempt at joviality on his lips though he heard it sink as dully as his gaze. </p><p>"I don't like hurting other people much anyway," Jaehyun said quietly. "I actually wanted to apologise for what I said about my sister at the table. She never said anything about disliking you."</p><p>"Am I supposed to believe you?" Sangyeon asked. The words had certainly hurt when Sangyeon felt like a complete idiot but he clearly looked more pitiful than he could have imagined. </p><p>"You don't have to believe me. It would be nice if you could. Suhyun wouldn't be happy if she knew I said something like that. She's your friend. She likes you."</p><p>"If she likes me so much, why did she ditch me for Haein?" </p><p>Jaehyun shrugged. "Girl stuff, probably. I'm going to see if the housekeepers have a first-aid kit so I can patch you up. Don't go anywhere." </p><p>Sangyeon wasn't going anywhere. He stood up, shaking pathetically, and looked at himself in the mirror. Crying was an ugly thing. He didn't like people to see him do it, especially not because of something one of his parents did, but he couldn't change the fact Jaehyun had sought him out. Returning to the table would be its own challenge in composure, though he was sure that wouldn't be without its share of commentary from his parents. </p><p>When Jaehyun returned, he wasn't alone. Rather than a housekeeper, Jaehyun came with his mother in tow, the pair of them smiling cautiously. </p><p>"Are you alright?" Jaehyun's mother asked as she gestured for Sangyeon to sit once more. He did as was asked and both Jaehyun and his mother did the same. Despite her age and status, Jaehyun's mother was odd, fingers nervously fiddling with the fastening of the first-aid box she had brought along with her. </p><p>"I'm fine," Sangyeon lied. "I deserved it anyway." </p><p>"No—" </p><p>"I didn't know who Jaehyun was at the time. I assumed he was younger with the way Suhyun spoke about him."</p><p>Jaehyun's mother smiled as she cracked open the box on her lap and set about looking for antiseptic cream. </p><p>"Jaehyun is very precious to us. Perhaps that is why you thought he would be younger." </p><p>That wasn't it at all. From what Suhyun had said, Jaehyun sounded like an insolent little brat, but he refrained from voicing that thought.</p><p>"You say that but he didn't used to live with you."</p><p>"He liked living abroad, didn't you, pet?" Jaehyun's mother hummed. </p><p>"I liked my school," Jaehyun said carefully. That was strange but Sangyeon didn't look too deeply into it. </p><p>"He did get such good grades. It is nicer to live together though, so I was glad of the chance to bring him home. This might sting a bit."</p><p>There wasn't a moment for Sangyeon to brace himself before the sting of antiseptic cream at his broken skin, though Jaehyun's hand slipping into Sangyeon’s came just as quickly. It was strange, as nice as it was for someone to let him squeeze their hand until the cuts on his face were clean and dressed. </p><p>After sticking down the adhesive tags of the plaster to Sangyeon’s cheek, Jaehyun's mother sat back. Jaehyun was still gripping Sangyeon’s hand, a comfortable constant. It was better not to mention it just in case even that was dragged away from him. </p><p>"If you want to join us for dinner, wait about ten minutes before coming back to the dining room. Otherwise, you can ask Mrs Jo and she will let you eat in the kitchen." Jaehyun's mother smiled down at them before she left, too warm considering how outraged she was at the fact that Sangyeon hadn't really done anything in the first place. "Can you both promise me not to fight? As parents we all worry about our children and wouldn't want to think of you fighting when our families are such good friends." </p><p>It was a strange thing to say after just seeing one of these supposedly concerned parents backhand their own child, but Sangyeon had no reason to bring that up now. All he had to do was agree. He agreed, nodded and watched Jaehyun's mother slip away in her contentment. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Stars Live in the Dark — June 2013</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jaehyun makes Sangyeon apologise (almost)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sangyeon didn't get much sympathy for his cheek though he supposed his nose was more of an interesting story than his vague non-responses when asked. He wasn't about to tell people his mother smacked him at a dinner party. It was better to stay quiet and watch Sejeong work. </p><p>She kept pausing in the middle of scribbling sentences until eventually she removed her spectacles to polish them with her handkerchief. </p><p>"Don't you have anything else to do?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"Where is Juyeon?" Sejeong asked. She glanced around the classroom but she must have been hoping to see Suhyun or Chaekyung rather than someone who wasn't in their class. </p><p>"I told him not to come for a while."</p><p>Sejeong frowned and replaced her glasses. "Why?" </p><p>Sangyeon hadn't actually thought up an excuse. Sejeong didn't tend to ask questions and there wasn't anyone else who paid enough attention that an excuse would be necessary. Nothing came to mind immediately as he tried to work out what would be a reasonable excuse. His mother must have smacked some of his brain cells out of his head which was unfortunate when a small cheer burst out near the classroom door. </p><p>Jaehyun looked confused and a bit sheepish beneath the weight of hands patting his back and the students congratulating him. He managed to slip through to reach Sangyeon and Sejeong. This time he didn't kick Sangyeon off the chair, instead pulling up a chair of his own and sitting close to Sangyeon. He glanced at Sejeong and licked his lips cautiously. </p><p>"Can I talk to you?" </p><p>Sangyeon blinked. "Don't mind me," He said as he leaned back. "I am hardly listening."</p><p>"I wanted to speak to you." </p><p>"Then why were you looking at Scholarship Sejeong?" Sangyeon grinned. </p><p>"I… wanted to speak privately with you," Jaehyun said, voice lower and quieter as he leaned in. </p><p>"Whatever you want, just say it. She's not going to tell anyone, are you?" </p><p>Sejeong shook her head and returned to slowly writing on the worksheets on their desk. </p><p>"What do you want?" </p><p>"Why did you tell Juyeon that you don't need him anymore?" </p><p>That was an awfully strange question considering Jaehyun had marched in here and kicked Sangyeon off his seat mere days ago. </p><p>"You're the one who had a problem with me having him around in the first place," Sangyeon said with a frown. "I don't really know what you want from me."</p><p>"But he's upset," Jaehyun said. </p><p>"About what?" </p><p>"Wouldn't that bother you, if the situation was reversed?" Jaehyun asked. "He has been with you every day and now you're telling him that you don't need him. You can't do that, Sangyeon." </p><p>Another unceremonious kick would have been preferable to this conversation. Jaehyun was weird. The Jaehyun who was kind and came to find Sangyeon at the Samand dinner party was clearly all imagined. </p><p>"What is this about? Why are you talking to me right now?" </p><p>"Because Juyeon is panicking, Sangyeon. He doesn't know why you are suddenly telling him to stay away from you. He showed me all the messages from last night and he keeps asking me what he did wrong. What did he do?" </p><p>"It's what you did," Sangyeon pointed out. "Why are you sitting here with me? Go downstairs and sit with Juyeon. You're his only friend now, right?" </p><p>"No," Jaehyun said, sitting up straighter. "You're coming out with us after school." </p><p>Sangyeon laughed. Jaehyun didn't. Scholarship Sejeong stopped writing and frowned at Jaehyun curiously. At least Sangyeon wasn't the only one baffled. </p><p>"No way. Why would I do that?" </p><p>"You need to make it up to Juyeon." </p><p>"What if I have plans with the girls?" </p><p>Jaehyun raised his eyebrows and looked around the classroom pointedly. "You don't."</p><p>He was annoying. "Sejeong," Sangyeon said lamely, "She's a girl."</p><p>"I actually already have plans," Sejeong said with a careful smile on her face. </p><p>"You? With who?" </p><p>Sejeong scratched idly at her wrist and shrugged. "A friend." </p><p>Though Sangyeon wanted to dispute the claim, he was being faced with all sorts of strange things which were looking more and more like facts. Perhaps Sejeong really did have other friends. With that, Sangyeon didn't have much reason to refuse Jaehyun's demand. It was disappointing. Of course there was still the fact that Sangyeon simply didn't want to spend time with Jaehyun and Juyeon, as weak as that was. </p><p>"Fine. I don't have plans with Sejeong. Why would I go somewhere with you?" </p><p>"You promised my mum that we would try to get along," Jaehyun said, petulant. Being able to misinterpret things was going to serve Jaehyun well in life though it certainly wasn't beneficial for Sangyeon right now. </p><p>"That promise was about not fighting. How tragic do you think I am that I would have no choice but to 'get along' with you this way?" </p><p>"Do you really want me to answer that?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"Good. Meet us at the gates. Don't tell Juyeon what we're planning. I want to surprise him. </p><p>During their maths lesson, Sangyeon made one last attempt at escaping the plans made for him and flicked tiny paper balls at Suhyun until she couldn't ignore her decorative dandruff any longer. </p><p>"What do you want?" </p><p>"Do you want to go somewhere after school?" </p><p>Suhyun frowned and glanced at Scholarship Sejeong as though hoping for an answer from her. Nothing. Suhyun had no choice but to pay attention to Sangyeon once more. </p><p>"I can't. I already have plans." </p><p>"What sort of plans?" </p><p>"Just plans," she shrugged. It was all very suspicious. Sangyeon narrowed his eyes. </p><p>"How come I am never invited along for your plans? You disappear with Chaekyung every time there isn't a teacher around. Is there something wrong with me? Is that why you keep ditching me?" </p><p>"We're not ditching you," Suhyun said quickly, quietly, oddly guilty. Despite her denial, the look in her eyes suggested he was thinking along the right lines. "Why do you think we're ditching you?" </p><p>"Aside from when you abandoned me at that awful dinner party at your house? You're way too secretive. Tell me what you have been doing if it is no big deal." </p><p>Hesitant as she was, Suhyun glanced to the front of the classroom, shaking paper balls from her hair and rocked onto her back chair legs as she said, "Chaekyung has this secret admirer that we are hunting for."</p><p>Sangyeon grabbed the backrest of Suhyun's seat and yanked it backwards. Master of stealth and subtlety, Suhyun shrieked. </p><p>"Do you have something to share with the class?" Their teacher asked pointedly. The man was ancient, probably older than Sangyeon’s grandparents had been before they had died, older than the school building, older than the crystal pendant Haein was gifted when she was thirteen and deemed to be the right age to receive priceless heirlooms. Mr Lim was old enough that he talked a lot about being strict but rarely caught any misbehaviour to punish. </p><p>In practice, that meant that Mr Lim relished the chance to convince a room of teenagers that he wasn't to be messed with. Of course the man also feared for his career so Sangyeon’s lie about getting something out of Suhyun's hair was only met with threats of corporal punishment and none of the execution. That left Sangyeon and Suhyun standing outside their classroom with their arms aloft. </p><p>For some absurd reason, Suhyun was still craning her neck to see into the classroom. There was no way to learn from out here. Sangyeon knew from experience, not that he had ever tried particularly hard. There were matters to attend to which weren't half as fruitless. </p><p>"What's this about a secret admirer?" </p><p>"What?" Suhyun muttered as she pressed her nose against the classroom window. "Why would Mr Lim be talking about spiders?" </p><p>"Secret admirers," Sangyeon intoned as he nudged Suhyun's calf with his toe. "You said Chaekyung has a secret admirer. Who is it? Another creep?" </p><p>"Not a clue," Suhyun hummed, still determinedly looking into the classroom and away from Sangyeon. It was strange. Unfair. Jaehyun might just have been right. </p><p>"Lee Suhyun." </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"What is wrong with you? Do you like me?" </p><p>"Of course not," Suhyun snorted, finally turning to laugh in Sangyeon’s face. Her arms wobbled in the air above her head but it wasn't anything Sangyeon could laugh about. </p><p>"I meant as a friend." </p><p>"Oh. Why wouldn't I like you?" Suhyun asked. "You're being weird." </p><p>"No, <em>you're</em> being weird," Sangyeon said. Despite knowing all along that Suhyun liked Haein in ways she'd never like Sangyeon, he was happy to be able to hang out with her. She was cool until she left him feeling pathetic enough to have to beg for her friendship. "I hated how when I was with Minkyeung she didn't like me spending as much time with you and Chaekyung but since she broke up with me I feel like I get even less time with you. If you don't want to be my friend, just tell me now." </p><p>The concern in Suhyun's face was clear. She hadn't even considered things could be seen that way. She might have been right. </p><p>"There's no need to be so dramatic," Suhyun muttered. "I didn't think you'd be interested. And I am sure you would scare away the secret admirer that we're looking for anyway." </p><p>"What is that supposed to mean?" </p><p>Suhyun shrugged as her arms flopped to rest at the back of her head. "You get weird whenever Chaekyung is involved in anything. Just stay away until we've finished our investigation. And then we'll tell you all about it." </p><p>The note of finality in Suhyun's voice was teamed with her turning her back to Sangyeon and attempting to squint into the classroom at the whiteboard. </p><p>The accusation of being 'weird' was uncomfortable. Sangyeon took an interest in his friends. That wasn't anything strange. It was normal. That's all. Just normal. </p><p> </p><p>Seeing as Sangyeon was just a normal friend who wasn't weird, and didn't care too much about things, he met Jaehyun at the gates at the end of school. He had given in and sent a message to the car service to cancel his usual car after school Jaehyun and Juyeon were talking amongst themselves and crowded around Jaehyun's phone as the other students making their way home moved around the pair. Sangyeon hesitated a few paces away and wondered whether he should have approached in the first place. </p><p>However Sangyeon had agreed to meet them. It wasn't as though he had any other options. Suhyun and Chaekyung had dashed out of school right as it ended, hand in hand, without even sparing a glance for Sangyeon. </p><p>"Hey," Sangyeon said, bolstered confidence as he stood in front of the two first-years. His hands idly gripped at the straps of his backpack, having nothing else to occupy them. This was weird. </p><p>"Were you hoping we'd leave without you?" Jaehyun asked, jaw set and eyebrows raised, already unimpressed. </p><p>"No. I just had things to do." </p><p>"I'm sorry, Sangyeon, I didn't realise you were the friend Jaehyun was meeting. I can—" </p><p>"Shut up," Jaehyun said quickly. "He's here to see you, aren't you, Sangyeon?" </p><p>"I guess." </p><p>Juyeon didn't look convinced, still hesitating around the thought of dashing away by the looks of it. Jaehyun laughed, brassy and empty as he slapped Sangyeon’s arm. </p><p>"Can I talk to you for a second?" Jaehyun asked, pushing Sangyeon away from Juyeon without even waiting for a response. They didn't even move too far away, yet Juyeon shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as he looked on. Jaehyun leaned in close and kept his voice low. "Apologise to him." </p><p>"What for? I didn't even say anything." </p><p>"I told you earlier that you upset him. Tell him you're sorry and that you never meant it." </p><p>Again, Jaehyun was being weird. Sangyeon wondered whether this treatment was reserved solely for him or Jaehyun was hassling other people into placating Juyeon. In all honesty, Juyeon seemed fine so it was more likely that Jaehyun was exaggerating and creating issues where there were none. In fact, Jaehyun was the one who caused this apparent issue in the first place. </p><p>"I'm not going to do that," Sangyeon said. He shoved Jaehyun aside and nodded over at Juyeon. "Are we good?" </p><p>In an instant, Juyeon's face broke into a wide smile and he nodded. There was something too innocent about him. That must have been why Jaehyun was so serious about looking out for him. Regardless, it was a bit much. He needn't have tried so hard. It wasn't as though scores of people were preying on Juyeon's naivety. </p><p>Despite knowing Juyeon for a few months, finding and identifying the scholarship student in early March, Sangyeon didn't know all that much about him. He hadn't struck Sangyeon as entirely naive upon their first meeting, however he was eager to go along with whatever Sangyeon said. It was an easy enough arrangement. Juyeon would run errands and Sangyeon would buy his lunch just as he already had been doing so for Sejeong since the year before. </p><p>Forced to sit in a Subway with Juyeon, not sure how the place had the audacity to pretend to be a restaurant, Sangyeon was beginning to learn a little about him. </p><p>"How do you have the time to keep your grades up if you have to look after your parents?" Sangyeon asked. Jaehyun sent him a subtle thumbs-up as though he thought he was coaching Sangyeon through this whole interaction. </p><p>Juyeon thumped his chest to stop the choking from his haste to answer the question. Unexpectedly he was cheerful when explaining about himself, though this was not the first time Jaehyun had to nudge Juyeon's drink across the table to avert a crisis. </p><p>"It is only my dad who needs looking after," Juyeon said after managing to swallow down a mouthful of his sandwich. This was not an issue for Sangyeon who couldn't stomach this sorry excuse for food. </p><p>"That already doubles your spare time then." </p><p>"Exactly," Juyeon grinned. "Actually, mum has been looking at hiring a carer to help out. Her cleaning job means she isn't around in the early mornings, or during the nights either, but we can't afford it just yet. I have submitted a few applications to work part-time at a few places. Once I have a job I can help out so that my dad can get the care he needs."</p><p>"That's so interesting," Sangyeon said blandly. Listening to Juyeon talk was strange. In the past Juyeon didn't have much to say around Sangyeon aside from the incessant apologies which slipped through his lips, but now that he was saying things he sounded as pitiful as a manhwa character. Perhaps he wasn't even a real person. </p><p>Juyeon pressed his lips into a small smile, guileless and affable, probably not even considering the possibility that he wasn't saying anything interesting. To his left, Jaehyun was well aware of that possibility and glared at Sangyeon. </p><p>"Good luck with all of that," Sangyeon said with a pointed look at Jaehyun. The fact he was forced to be here was one thing but to have Jaehyun passing judgement on what was acceptable was a step too far. </p><p>"Thank you," Juyeon said. He fiddled with the paper that was wrapped around his sandwich, odd fidgeting, before he said, "Sangyeon, can I ask what happened to your face? Who did you fight this time?" </p><p>Sangyeon waved away the question as he pretended his sandwich was offering an interesting perspective. "Nobody important." </p><p>"Whoever it was won't mess with you again," Juyeon said cheerily. "Was it just one person this time or was it a few like that time outside the school gates?" </p><p>Sangyeon shrugged, not sure he wanted to augment the lies here. His answer was delayed by Jaehyun's interjection. </p><p>"What are you talking about? Does Sangyeon fight people?" </p><p>"He was going to fight you, remember?" Juyeon pointed out. "I know I shouldn't say this because you hate things like that, but he's really cool when he fights people. That's why I was worried about you though. He is scary sometimes too." </p><p>Sangyeon sat back, wondering what Jaehyun could possibly say about something that wasn't totally within control. Sangyeon wasn't a thug or someone who went looking for fights. Trouble tended to find him. </p><p>"Why is he scary?" The tone of Jaehyun’s voice wasn't curious. It was more like he was trying to keep himself to a mild simmer. </p><p>"I've only seen one scary fight in April," Juyeon said, flushed with glee. "I think they had just graduated in February, these three guys had been coming around to the school and they were harassing Chaekyung. I heard that they used to spread rumours about her last year, so it makes sense that by the time they ganged up on Chaekyung in April that Sangyeon just lost it. </p><p>"These guys had been shouting at Chaekyung and calling her names, following her around, and there was a crowd around. I didn't know what to do. I called Sangyeon but he just hung up on me, I thought it would be really sad if he hated me enough not to let me tell him what was happening, one of the guys tried to grab Chaekyung and Sangyeon came out of nowhere and tackled the first guy to the ground and he just started wailing on him. </p><p>"There were three guys, right? So the other two were kicking Sangyeon and trying to drag him off their friend, and I don't know quite what happened, but basically Sangyeon bit one of the guys and punched him until he threw up. It was so cool, you've never seen anything like it," Juyeon said as he gripped Jaehyun's wrist. "He was more amazing than a movie." </p><p>Jaehyun frowned curiously across the table, head tilted. Sangyeon wouldn't have believed the story either, especially not if his only frame of reference was Juyeon's dramatised retelling. There was nothing cool about that fight. Chaekyung was distraught before Sangyeon even arrived and that was enough to saturate him with dread. </p><p>His body had moved on instinct alone. Everything he did was the result of terror. Even last year, Suhyun and Chaekyung were good at keeping secrets from Sangyeon, but they could never hide the full extent of what was happening when the whole school were whispering to each other about Lee Haein and Kim Sohee's first-year friend who would sleep with anyone. </p><p>Whatever Haein had done before she graduated hadn't been enough, and if Haein wasn't able to put a complete stop to things, the prospect of living with Chaekyung being constantly harassed was tinder for nightmares. So Sangyeon did the only thing he could as a powerless kid who knew he would only ever achieve the status of disappointment: he hit and kicked until he couldn't feel his limbs and his teeth tingled. </p><p>Maybe Suhyun was right. Sangyeon did get weird about Chaekyung. </p><p>Jaehyun scoffed. "Fighting isn't cool. That's just stupid." </p><p>"You're only saying that because you weren't there to see it," Juyeon grinned. </p><p>"No, I'm saying it because fighting is stupid and irresponsible. Shouldn't you be in prison for assaulting three people?" </p><p>"People like you don't need to worry about things like that, right?" Juyeon said with a wink. "You just pay people off and everything goes away."</p><p>"No," Jaehyun said sulkily, "You can't just do bad things and pay people off. There is such a thing as integrity, you know."</p><p>"I can't be accused of having any of that," Sangyeon said blandly. "My parents gave people money and made everything go away. But don't worry, that won't happen this time. I'll take all the punishment due to me. I always do. I am responsible like that." </p><p>"Wow," Juyeon said, "Even that sounded cool. Look, I have goosebumps."</p><p>Jaehyun didn't look at Juyeon's exposed arm, instead fixing his curious gaze on Sangyeon. He shook his head as though he had a reason not to believe things. He was there last night. He saw Sangyeon’s mother strike him. There was no need to look at him like that, like he thought Sangyeon was the sort of person who wouldn't ever learn. There was a chance he was right. </p><p>"It's not that cool," Jaehyun said quietly. </p><p>It wasn't cool but Juyeon didn't need to know that. </p><p>In less than a week Sangyeon was beginning to work out that nothing about him was cool. That being said, he didn't think Juyeon was cool either. There was something too cute about him which Sangyeon hadn't noticed before. He seemed almost like a little kid, chatting away happily like this, yet Sangyeon had already seen a side of him which was much less cute. </p><p>Sangyeon didn't know many people like Juyeon. There were kids at school without money but Juyeon was a bit different. There was something not quite right about him but there hadn't been a way for Sangyeon to work out quite what it was. </p><p>Whilst Juyeon was slowly gathering his thoughts before saying each word, Sangyeon noticed someone at another table in this awful little Subway restaurant. </p><p>Scholarship Sejeong really did have plans. Sangyeon sat up straighter and leaned over to squint over Jaehyun's shoulder. It really was her, with her clunky glasses and puffy fringe, however not even that was enough to mask the expression on her face.</p><p>"Where are you going?" Jaehyun asked as soon as Sangyeon rose to his feet. Juyeon's voice trailed off but whatever he was saying wasn't important in the first place. </p><p>"Just, give me a minute," Sangyeon muttered before making his way through the tables to reach Sejeong.</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>Rather than responding, Sejeong stiffened and kept her eyes trained on the table. Her friend, however, turned to look up at Sangyeon. Her face was almost expressionless aside from the hardness in her eyes. </p><p>"Can we help you?" </p><p>"I'm just talking to Sejeong, thanks," Sangyeon said with a dismissive flick of his fingers. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" </p><p>"I'm not," Sejeong lied, voice thick and hands racing to swipe away the tears scattering down her cheeks. </p><p>Sangyeon wasn't even aware that Sejeong could cry, or that she had anything to cry about. Since first year she hadn't ever said much beyond the odd joke and whispering test answers to Sangyeon, so there were perhaps things not being said, but knowing so little about the things that mattered to her was strange. They spent every single day together, at breaktimes and lunchtimes and sometimes they walked to Sangyeon’s car together after school. They were friends of sorts. </p><p>"Should we go somewhere? I'll help you to clean up." </p><p>"I'm really fine," Sejeong asserted as she grabbed a napkin to wipe at her eyes. </p><p>"You're not fine," Sangyeon pointed out. He turned to Sejeong's friend who was beginning to emote. She looked utterly miserable. "Did you do this? What did you say to her?" </p><p>"Nothing," Sejeong said with a loud sniff. "She didn't say anything to me. I was just being silly. I'm stupid."</p><p>Sangyeon had his suspicions. He didn't have a clue what Sejeong liked in any respect, hadn't asked so much as her favourite flavour of ice lolly from the tuck shop, but this was something friends would know. </p><p>"Sejeong, you're obviously upset. If she's said something to hurt you, you don't need to take that." He turned to the other girl sitting at the table with Sejeong, a frown creasing her forehead with concern. "She's too good for you, you know. Someone like you doesn't even deserve this much attention from Sejeong, you're nothing, you know that?" </p><p>"Sangyeon, just shut up." </p><p>Hearing something like that was strange from a person like Scholarship Sejeong. She wasn't the sort to disagree with Sangyeon. She did as she was asked and made her way quietly through their school days together. Right now her words sounded even harsher through the sludgy syllables of her tears. </p><p>"Alright," Sangyeon said, quietly. "What do you want me to do to help you?" </p><p>"I want you to leave me alone, Sangyeon," Sejeong said, voice wavering and wobbling too much for Sangyeon to really want to heed the words. </p><p>"Am I supposed to leave my friends alone when they're crying?" </p><p>"We're not friends!" </p><p>"But you're—" </p><p>"This has nothing to do with you, that's why I want you to leave me alone. We're not at school right now so you don't own me here, or do you want me to beg you in public too?" Even through the rippling distortion of her sadness, the look Sejeong turned on him was sharp enough to lodge itself between Sangyeon’s ribs. Her gaze skidded behind her clouded glasses to a point over Sangyeon’s shoulder. "Juyeon has just as little self-respect as I do, so can't you just go with him like he wants?" </p><p>Sangyeon glanced behind and sure enough Juyeon was standing just out of reach with reproach on his face. He was slow as he attempted a smile. "If you need anything I can do it for you too." </p><p>Sangyeon swallowed past the lump in his throat but he still couldn't speak. He felt his own flaws in the way he wouldn't have apologised even if he could unstick his gums and knew how to form the right sounds. He hadn't ever made Sejeong beg yet her accusation sounded like something she believed. </p><p>Did Juyeon think the same? Sangyeon didn't see anything in his face to suggest he had the same impression, that Sangyeon was a person who would make others beg. </p><p>Begging wasn't quite right. Sejeong had never asked for anything at all. She was asking now though. So Sangyeon left her alone, following Juyeon back to the table where Jaehyun sat looking unimpressed. </p><p>"What's wrong with you?" </p><p>"Nothing," Sangyeon grumbled despite the fact it seemed more and more was wrong. </p><p>"Why are you going around making people cry? What kind of person goes out of their way to upset people or beat them up?" </p><p>Sangyeon scoffed, sat up straighter and tried not to look like he felt sorry for himself. "What about you? How long have you been here? A week? Two? And you've already made it your life's mission to insert yourself into my business for the sake of making your judgmental commentary. Well done, Jaehyun, you're right. Suhyun wants nothing to do with me and people like Juyeon and Sejeong aren't my friends either. Are you happy now?"</p><p>"No," Jaehyun said petulantly with his arms crossed over his chest. "Don't you have more important things to worry about than what I have already apologised for saying?" </p><p>Sangyeon had plenty to worry about but the tentative tap on his wrist indicated Juyeon wasn't burdened with any of that. </p><p>"Can you pretend that you think I'm your friend?" he asked with a cautious smile. "Nobody talks to me because of you and I already told my parents that I had made good friends at Muhan. I don't like lying to my parents."</p><p>It didn't take much more than that for Sangyeon to wonder where exactly he had gone wrong. </p><p> </p><p>Considering his penchant for antagonising Sangyeon, Jaehyun was helpful at times like this. Breaking down in a sandwich shop was cause for Sangyeon to be embarrassed but he was impressed by how easily Jaehyun implemented his solution. He called for one of his family's drivers to send Juyeon home and he took Sangyeon’s phone to order another car for the two of them. </p><p>Coming to the Samand house for the second time in as many days was strange enough that it felt like he was doing something wrong. He hardly wanted to press any weight into his feet as he followed Jaehyun through the ugly white house and up the winged staircase to a room that looked like it belonged to an eight-year-old child. </p><p>Sangyeon stopped feeling quite so sorry for himself so that he could attempt to take in the colourful assault on his eyes. Posters, figurines, toys adorned every surface, flat or otherwise. </p><p>"Could your parents not be bothered to get rid of all your old stuff before you moved back in?" </p><p>Jaehyun glared at him. "If I hit you now will you hit me back? You're unbearable when you're not crying." </p><p>Sangyeon grinned, feeling a world away from his earlier misery as he started poking around all the Marvel toys displayed inside their sealed boxes. The toys and figures apparently worthy of being collector's items were set up on shelving which surrounded Jaehyun's computer set up. Dual screens and RGB everything obvious even when not yet switched on. There was a word for people like Jaehyun but Sangyeon didn't want to say it aloud in case it made him a hypocrite. </p><p>"Can you not touch my stuff?" Jaehyun asked, sounding more apprehensive than authoritative as he put his schoolbag near the window. Sangyeon turned to give Jaehyun a thumbs up which was not well received due to the clatter of a box falling from the shelving. </p><p>"Move! Just get on my bed and stay out of trouble," Jaehyun instructed as he swooped down to rescue the fallen Falcon. The flush on his face looked almost genuinely angry as he clutched the box to his chest. Sangyeon did as he was told and sat on the Iron Man duvet cover. </p><p>"You're cute," He offered as he dropped his backpack off the edge of his bed. </p><p>"You're not," Jaehyun grumbled as he delicately replaced Falcon beside his civilian counterpart on the shelf. His ears glowed red and Sangyeon wondered why anyone would invite people into their bedroom only to be embarrassed by the décor. </p><p>In all his haughty grace, Jaehyun stalked across the room to stand in front of Sangyeon on his bed. </p><p>"Did you cry because of what Juyeon said? You know, because he said it's your fault he doesn't have any friends?" </p><p>Though that was the case, Sangyeon didn't feel much like admitting to that. He shrugged. "You're his friend, aren't you?" </p><p>"You feel guilty about the three months before I transferred here though, don't you?" Jaehyun prompted as he sat on the edge of the bed beside Sangyeon. "When I asked him where he went every breaktime and lunchtime, he asked me not to follow him. And I knew from then that I was going to hate you. On the day I met you, Juyeon had actually told me that you owned him. That's not a normal thing for people to say, just in case you weren't aware."</p><p>"I know that's not normal," Sangyeon muttered. "I get why you wanted to get him away from me. It's not like that. It's not weird. I ask him to do things for me and then I buy him stuff sometimes, like lunch, or I give him my old school books. That sounds stupid but Scholarship Sejeong's annotations are good. It's like looking at perfect test answers. </p><p>"I knew that people didn't talk to him but I didn't think it was because of me. I thought we were friends already. And then he asked me to pretend we were friends because it's my fault that he doesn't have anyone. What am I doing wrong?" </p><p>"I don't know," Jaehyun said honestly. He lifted his hand and squeezed Sangyeon’s shoulder. The gesture was comforting, steadying, and more than Sangyeon deserved. "Juyeon likes you. Whether you Stockholm Syndromed him into it or not, he does consider you a friend."</p><p>Sangyeon snorted, feeling much further from the verge of tears than he had been before Jaehyun opened his mouth. </p><p>"I can't believe I started off today with four friends and ended it with one," Sangyeon sighed. "That's pathetic even for me. My parents were right to bet everything on Haein. She wouldn't even let them down on something as stupid as this." </p><p>Jaehyun was quiet, just looking at Sangyeon’s self-deprecation like even that couldn't touch him. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Nothing," Jaehyun said as he quickly looked away. "Just… you could end the day with two friends if you wanted." </p><p>Sangyeon laughed and elbowed Jaehyun. The injured pout was a nice touch. "I can't believe you're even worse at comforting people than Suhyun. You're supposed to say, 'Don't be silly, Sangyeon, you have way more than four friends. You're so handsome and popular and cool'." </p><p>"Why would I say something like that?" Jaehyun asked as he smoothed his hands over a crease on his school trousers. </p><p>Sangyeon tried a smile. "Are you a good boy like Juyeon too? Do you hate telling lies?" </p><p>"No. I could lie to you but friends aren't supposed to lie to each other."</p><p>"So we're friends now?" Sangyeon asked. "You've really changed your tune. What was it you said the other day? You'll do everything in your power to destroy me? Of course someone who likes superhero stuff so much would think of saying cheesy things like that."</p><p>Jaehyun groaned and shoved Sangyeon’s shoulder roughly.</p><p>"I think I've worked out why you have no friends," He grumbled through his chagrin. </p><p>"Oh," Sangyeon grinned, "is it different to the reason you don't have any friends?" </p><p>At last, Jaehyun looked taken aback. He closed his mouth and huffed. "What are you talking about?" </p><p>"You're an attractive guy," Sangyeon pointed out, "you're well-travelled, and you're at least as rich as I am. Are you really so annoying that everyone would disregard that? You didn't transfer in that long ago. Your classmates are supposed to be trying to woo you into being their friend." </p><p>Jaehyun shrugged. "I suppose I'm just not interesting enough."</p><p>"I'm interested," Sangyeon said. </p><p>Jaehyun's eyes searched for something in Sangyeon’s face. Eventually he settled on whatever he wanted to find and set his jaw. </p><p>"I got kicked out of my old school, that's why I am here." </p><p>"That sounds interesting."</p><p>"It sounds more interesting than it is," Jaehyun said. "I wanted to impress someone in my class. We were good friends but every time I said something it was taken as a joke. What gets the message across like a grand gesture, right? I'm still not sure if the message got across."</p><p>"What was the message you were sending?" Sangyeon asked though he was fairly certain already. </p><p>"It was 'I love you,' in big firey letters on one of the school fields. I thought I was careful with making sure I used enough sand to mark out the letters but I wasn't. The whole field caught fire and there were witnesses who told on me and then I got kicked out."</p><p>"I think even without seeing it she probably knew what you wanted to say."</p><p>Jaehyun nodded and then he said, "I went to an all-boys' school." </p><p>"Oh, I see." </p><p>Sangyeon didn't know what to say. This was a bit different to the time someone else told him something similar. Last time, Sangyeon knew Chanhee for a while longer and was sworn to secrecy that was settled with tears. There were no tears here in Jaehyun's bedroom, just a challenge in the eyes of someone Sangyeon had only known for a few days. </p><p>"Where was your last school? Suhyun said you've been to quite a few different schools. Was this in Europe or something?" </p><p>"Canada," Jaehyun said. "We all moved around a lot but my mom wanted me to pick a good school. I picked a school arbitrarily. When I got kicked out, mom told me to just come home to Korea."</p><p>"Even after you've told me, I think your story is interesting. It is definitely weird that your classmates aren't clamouring for your attention."</p><p>Jaehyun sighed and flopped back on his bed. "I don't know what to tell you."</p><p>Sangyeon lay down beside him and turned to look at Jaehyun. "Maybe they're scared of you. They must think you're a pyromaniac and they're scared you'll get one of their houses." </p><p>Jaehyun hummed and said, "Why are you lying down on someone else's bed?" </p><p>"You did it first." </p><p>"It's my bed," Jaehyun said quietly. </p><p>"True," Sangyeon agreed. "Do you sleep in this bed or do you stuff a load of pillows under the covers so your parents think you're here when you're actually out being a vigilante all night?" </p><p>Jaehyun slapped Sangyeon’s arm and laughed. "I don't know why I felt sorry for you. You're fine. You're annoying."</p><p>Sangyeon leaned up onto his elbows and smiled down at Jaehyun. "Tell me more nice things." </p><p>"You're really the worst," Jaehyun grinned. </p><p>"More." </p><p>"You're mean and you never listen to what people say." </p><p>"Yeah? What else?" </p><p>"You're scary. Not to me, but Juyeon said you are." </p><p>Sangyeon would disagree with that. He still remembered the wavering in Jaehyun's eyes in the classroom. He certainly looked afraid back then and hearing what had happened two months ago didn't usually make people warm to Sangyeon. They must not have been friends. Jaehyun was the one to say that friends didn't lie to one another. </p><p>"One more," Sangyeon requested. </p><p>"You're so self-centered. I just told you that I like boys and you don't even care." </p><p>Sangyeon nodded. "Why would I? It's got nothing to do with me."</p><p>Finally, Jaehyun rolled onto his side to face Sangyeon with a small smile dragging the corners of his lips to meet the channels of glimmers in his eyes. </p><p>He said, "You know, I haven't even told Suhyun."</p><p>Sangyeon sat bolt upright. The distance from the apprehension was good. Better. </p><p>"Why are you telling me?" </p><p>"It's easier to tell you because we don't really know each other," Jaehyun said. </p><p>Not an hour ago, Sangyeon was crying in public because someone said they wanted him to think of them as a friend immediately after someone else had trampled all over the same sentiment. This was a secret, something Jaehyun hadn't confided even in his own sister. It was difficult to tell whether this made them even. All of Sangyeon’s insecurities about how much people liked him were balanced on the crumbling foundations of parental disapproval though, even if the same was unlikely to be true of Jaehyun, the words he had just heard exposed something even deeper. </p><p>Sangyeon’s secret was something he hated, something he hoped to change. Jaehyun's secret was just who he was, a forever sort of thing, and Sangyeon didn't really know what to say beyond his thoughts comparing the two things. </p><p>"How do you think Suhyun will react?" Jaehyun asked. "You probably know her better than I do."</p><p>Honestly, Sangyeon wasn't certain. He very much doubted he knew Suhyun better than her own brother did, but he was beginning to wonder whether he simply didn't know Suhyun as well as a friend should. If Sangyeon and Suhyun were so close he should have known as much about Suhyun as Haein did. Between wondering what was so much better about his own sister and the building resentment for Suhyun's indifference towards him, Sangyeon didn't know anything of who his friend actually was. </p><p>Nonetheless Jaehyun didn't want to hear anything like that. He didn't need something so pathetic. He had extended friendship so subtly that Sangyeon shouldn't have even taken enough notice to be grateful. The least he could have done was offer reassurance. </p><p>"I bet she won't even care either. She'll probably ask if you want a party and then try to set you up with a really ugly guy. If she ever offers, you have to turn her down. Her taste in men is the worst."</p><p>Despite not quite looking like he believed Sangyeon, lower lip caught between the press of his teeth, Jaehyun tried to affect forced calm. "Are you talking from experience?" </p><p>"Idiot," Sangyeon laughed without any heat. "I've met both boyfriends she had last year. Two of the ugliest guys I have ever seen in my life."</p><p>"Oh. Alright," Jaehyun said, "I'll make sure to find a boyfriend on my own."</p><p>"You won't have any trouble," Sangyeon offered as he patted Jaehyun's shoulder. "You have that really handsome thing going on." </p><p>"Thanks," Jaehyun said flatly. "I don't really see how that will make a difference." </p><p>"You'll find out soon enough," Sangyeon said as he lowered himself back down onto Jaehyun's bed. </p><p>A distraction was what he needed and he'd never be able to thank Jaehyun the way he should for offering a distraction like this. There were things which were harder to experience than a few friends who didn't like Sangyeon as much as they should have. He had extra kindness available seeing as so many others weren't interested in it. He grinned at Jaehyun and reached for his hand to seal the deal, littlest fingers interlocking with knuckles pressing together all the way up to the pads of their thumbs. </p><p>"I'll help you to find someone. He'll be even better than that guy from your old school."</p><p>Making the promise was enough for Sangyeon to be certain he could fulfil it. If Suhyun could wrangle herself two boyfriends, even someone as annoying as Jaehyun would be able to find someone</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Sickness of Hiding — July 2013</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chaekyung has a birthday.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For a few weeks now, Chaekyung had been growing uneasier at school. Getting gifts and letters was nothing new, especially not when so many people seemed to know that her birthday was this coming Sunday, but seeing presents wrapped so diligently and stacked on her desk and her chair and even piled on the floor around her space made Chaekyung feel sick. She stood outside the classroom, regarding the flowers and balloons and mysterious gifts with rising nausea. </p><p>"Whoa!" Suhyun exclaimed as she arrived at the classroom and shook Chaekyung's shoulders. "You're not real, are you? I can't believe so many people are trying to impress you. It makes the present I got you look like rubbish."</p><p>Chaekyung swept away a stray sparkle from the corner of her eye and smiled at Suhyun. "You got me a present?" </p><p>"No, but that's why it looks like rubbish."</p><p>Suhyun was strange in the best of ways. She knew the right time to act goofy and she knew when to be quieter and more serious than her personality usually allowed. </p><p>"Shall we go to the tuckshop? I can buy you something. Anything you want. Who else would let you choose your birthday present?" </p><p>Plenty of people have allowed Chaekyung to choose her gifts over the years. She hasn't wanted for a single thing in her life, but she linked her arm with Suhyun's and decided a chocopie was the perfect sort of present two days before her birthday. </p><p>Suhyun took Chaekyung's bag and dumped both of their bags amongst the cluttered mess of Chaekyung's desk before they headed downstairs. </p><p>The tuckshop was unfortunately busy first thing in the morning, the corridor filled with students trying to get past the queue on the way to the first year classrooms. </p><p>Already resigned to having to return to the classroom empty-handed, Chaekyung almost tripped as Suhyun dragged her to the middle of the queue. The first-year who ran errands for Sangyeon looked more than happy to see them. </p><p>"Good morning," He said cheerily. "Do you want my place in the line? I can go to the back and you can stand here if you'd like."</p><p>"Don't be silly," Suhyun said brusquely. "We can just push in and stand next to our good friend whose name I have forgotten." </p><p>"I'm Juyeon," the first-year said cheerily. He peered over Chaekyung's head as he shuffled aside. "Gyeongyeon, do you mind if my friends join me in line?" </p><p>The response didn't matter at all as Suhyun pulled Chaekyung to stand in front of the timid first-year who was much taller than either of them. It seemed only Chaekyung heard the girl speak, a tiny, "Actually I'm Gyeongwon."</p><p>The girl flinched away when Chaekyung looked up at her but there was nowhere for the first-year to go. "Are you friends with that Minkyeung girl?" </p><p>The girl nodded meekly as she adjusted her fringe with fingers that barely peeked over the cuffs of her school blazer. </p><p>"Sorry, Gyeongwon," Juyeon said. "I thought you were Gyeongyeon. You really look alike."</p><p>"We're twins."</p><p>Chaekyung hid her laugh behind her hand. It wasn't even funny, just the way the girl said she and her look-alike were twins sounded so morose. Her hesitant smile at Chaekyung was almost cute in contrast with the gloom she had about her. </p><p>"Happy birthday for Sunday, Chaekyung."</p><p>Immediately Chaekyung felt the breath in her chest sour. She sighed it out, not sure why she hated hearing well-wishes. She had been happy enough on Haein's birthday but a few days had her dreading the day she was supposed to be special. </p><p>"That's right!" Juyeon said as he clapped his hands together. "I should buy you something as a present." </p><p>"Don't steal my idea," Suhyun said, pinching at Juyeon's sides until he was breathless with laughter. Chaekyung frowned though. </p><p>"Do you have the money for that? You shouldn't buy me anything." </p><p>"Sangyeon gives me money each week so that I can buy things for him at breaktimes. I can afford to get you something if I don't get anything for myself. If you want something big I can skip lunch too."</p><p>"Wow, you really know how to live as a kept boy," Suhyun said as she patted Juyeon on the back. "You should ask Sangyeon for more money. He's clearly not treating you right."</p><p>Juyeon shook his head and held up his hands cautiously. "I wouldn't do that. He does so much for me already. Sangyeon really is so generous."</p><p>"Generous enough to make you skip lunch?" Suhyun pointed out, elbowing Chaekyung. This wasn't something Chaekyung wanted to be involved in. </p><p>"That's only because I didn't think of Chaekyung's birthday before now. Really, he is very kind. He even bought me new shoes when the seniors on the basketball team threw all my stuff in the pool. I owe him so much already. He's really cool." </p><p>"You don't owe Sangyeon anything," Chaekyung said tersely. Juyeon was a bit too much. He was more of a sycophant than Chaekyung had remembered but worse than that, she had forgotten he split his time between quite a few sports teams. And Sangyeon. He gave a lot of his time to Sangyeon too. </p><p>Though they were friends, Chaekyung was getting sick of hearing about him. She should have expected to hear about him from his weird little scholarship servant-boy, but the context of the basketball team forced an odd rejection in her chest. She didn't want to hear anything of people who still muttered words to her which echoed things said by teammates who had thankfully graduated. </p><p>For a while now, Chaekyung had realised just how scary Sangyeon was. She had no idea when his temper would next flare up though she was sure it was coming sometime soon. No matter how complimentary Juyeon was, he looked like a happy target for any such risks. Looking at him now, the hesitance on his face as he uncomfortably shifted his weight between his feet, there was no telling what he would do if pushed either. </p><p>People like Juyeon were just as terrifying as Sangyeon. He tried too hard to be happy and agreeable. Chaekyung couldn't trust him. Just as she knew all along that she shouldn't have trusted the older boys last year who lathed attention over her until they suddenly decided she wasn't doing enough to earn it, she knew she couldn't trust the boy Sangyeon was keeping like an obedient little pet. And she couldn't trust Sangyeon either. </p><p>"I'm going back to class," Chaekyung said to Suhyun quietly. "You don't need to come with me."</p><p>Suhyun looked conflicted but Chaekyung squeezed her hand and smiled. She wasn't upset, or angry, or anything else that would prompt Suhyun to come after her. </p><p>Like most people, Chaekyung was a liar. She was angry and she was upset and she didn't want to endure an entire day of people pretending to know her as they offered empty words as she passed them in the hallways. </p><p>She found somewhere quiet along the second-year corridor and wondered who she should call. She needed to call someone who would say all the right things to make her want to stay at school today. Haein was a good choice, the Muhan Princess was constantly on the receiving end of gifts and love confessions and more attention than any normal person could stand. Only, Haein wasn't really normal. She was extraordinary. She wouldn't be able to understand why Chaekyung hated what she had. But Sohee was a little more ordinary, someone who could see things from this perspective. </p><p>"Chaekyung, is something wrong?" Sohee asked as soon as she answered. The concern in her husky voice made Chaekyung want to laugh but the feeling dissipated when she spotted Sangyeon making his way to their classroom with a little skip in his step.</p><p>She waited for Sangyeon to pass, watched the slide of his eyes as he looked away from her and pretended not to see her. </p><p>Once he was gone, Chaekyung swallowed against the lump in her throat. </p><p>"I just wanted to hear your voice."</p><p>"Should I sing to you?" Sohee asked over the rustle of bedsheets. Chaekyung could picture her, soft and rumpled and hair awry as she propped herself up on pillows in her pokey little flat. Sohee didn't often like bringing friends like Chaekyung and Suhyun home when her life was so different to the way the rest of them lived. When Chaekyung had been able to visit she enjoyed the simplicity of space that belonged solely to Sohee as she played her guitar and etched down her compositions with pencil-lines which nearly tore right through the page. </p><p>"Yeah," Chaekyung said quietly, "Can you sing for me?" </p><p>Sohee cleared her throat and she began to sing. The sound was sweet, scratchy with the gentle sound of the morning. It was one of her own songs, a newer one that she hadn't yet finalised a demo for. Even when Sohee ran out of lyrics and hummed her melody she sounded beautiful. </p><p>Chaekyung swiped away a lone tear that had rolled over the rim of her right eye and she swayed along until Sohee yawned. </p><p>"I really liked that one."</p><p>"Yeah? Maybe I can get it finished before Sunday."</p><p>Chaekyung frowned. "It will be alright if you don't. I am sick of my birthday already."</p><p>Sohee laughed. "It hasn't happened yet. Besides, the party for you and Haein is tomorrow. Are you going to get some treatments after school so you sparkle on Saturday?" </p><p>"I think I have appointments booked after school and all day tomorrow. I don't really want to bother though. I want to try being ugly and see if people will stop looking at me."</p><p>"I don't think people will ever stop looking at you," Sohee hummed. </p><p>"But I want them to. I want them to take back all the gifts they've put on my desk. I just want to have a normal day," Chaekyung said through the tightening strain of her throat. "Even that won't be enough. I want a day where everyone ignores me. I finally got Sangyeon to leave me alone, now I just need everyone else at this stupid school to pretend I don't exist."</p><p>"Sangyeon isn't talking to you?" Sohee asked, her voice suddenly sharp in a way that Chaekyung had been hoping to avoid. It was the way she expected Haein to respond even though it wasn't necessary. Chaekyung was glad. She didn't want Sangyeon to talk to her and she didn't want to talk to him. She didn't want to talk about him either but bringing him up in the first place was her own mistake. </p><p>"I'm happy about that, actually."</p><p>"He's supposed to look out for you at school though," Sohee said, like this was a given, like Chaekyung was being ungrateful for being burdened by someone like Sangyeon. </p><p>"I don't want him to look out for me," Chaekyung said as steadily as she could. "If you knew anything about him you wouldn't want him to either. It's alright for you because you aren't the one who everyone expects to marry that idiot."</p><p>"Chaekyung—" </p><p>"I've got to go. I'm going to be late."</p><p>Without even allowing Sohee a moment to speak, Chaekyung hung up the phone. </p><p>Maybe she would get lucky. Sohee would go running to Haein and report what Chaekyung had said about her precious little brother. It wouldn't take long for Chaekyung to be shifted into exile. It was what she wanted. She'd be fine. </p><p>Chaekyung took a deep breath, filled her lungs with air that had escaped her in the minutes she spent on the phone with Sohee. She pulled her spine straighter, and her shoulders back. She settled into her posture and slipped her phone into her pocket. She had never cried in her life. She was fine. </p><p>In the classroom she was surprised to find that her desk had been cleared of clutter. Instead the sparkling pile of presents rose into a peak at the back of the classroom behind all of the desks. Things were going to be alright. </p><p>As Chaekyung passed Sangyeon’s desk a hand reached for her and she yanked her hand away too quickly to be subtle. It wasn't who she expected. Sangyeon was looking away from her, fingers drumming on the surface of his desk impatiently. Beside him, Sejeong offered a small smile and a pink envelope. </p><p>"I was going to put this on your mountain of presents but I wasn't sure if you'd see it. Happy birthday for Sunday, Chaekyung."</p><p>If this square envelope had been tucked amongst the pile of gifts she wouldn't have spared it a second glance. She didn't want a card or any presents because she could have almost anything she wanted already. But even after trying to force calm she couldn't reject this card. </p><p>"Thank you, Sejeong, that's really sweet of you."</p><p>It wasn't until Chaekyung was at her desk that she opened the envelope, careful to peel away the sticker sealing it shut instead of tearing through the paper. The card was handmade, an orange crab cut out of card stuck to an ocean shaded in blues and greens. It was cute. Making the card must have taken a while, time that Sejeong mustn't have had spare considering the fact she had to do Sangyeon’s schoolwork on top of her own. </p><p>Before Chaekyung could bring herself to open the card to read the message inside, Suhyun made her noisy return with Juyeon in tow. He was smiling widely as he helped Suhyun to her desk with all of her snacks and he made sure to give Sangyeon whatever else he had before he had to sprint away to beat the bell. </p><p>"What's that?" Suhyun asked as she tore into a bag of sour gummies. </p><p>"A birthday card." She finally opened the card. It didn't say anything strange. The message was simple enough and Chaekyung felt her apprehension unwind itself from where it bound her chest. There was nothing to worry about. </p><p>"Who is it from? Sangyeon?" </p><p>"Sejeong," Chaekyung corrected, showing the front of the card before opening it once more to show the message. </p><p>"Her handwriting is so messy. No wonder the teachers think Sangyeon writes his own assignments," Suhyun cackled as the bell rang. She offered some of her sweets before she muttered, "Are you going to read all of the cards you got? You won't even have the time. But what do you think your weird secret admirer got you?" </p><p>In Chaekyung's eyes, all of the people who had brought her gifts were weird secret admirers, though she understood what Suhyun meant specifically. One person was oddly dedicated, leaving daily messages and notes for Chaekyung. Ideally that secret admirer wouldn't have contributed to the gift pile though that was too much to hope for. She twisted in her seat to glance at the pile of presents at the back of the room and accidentally caught Sangyeon’s eye before she turned to face the front of the room. </p><p> </p><p>At lunchtime, Chaekyung had Suhyun distract her brother and Sangyeon so she could run a little errand of her own. The first-year classrooms were full of all sorts of people she wanted nothing to do with but she found her target and made him an offer he couldn't refuse: namely by levying the fact she was supposed to be Sangyeon’s friend. </p><p>At the end of the school day she found Juyeon where she had told him to wait and they walked to the gates in search of Chaekyung's car, laden with all of the birthday gifts. </p><p>For her birthday two years ago, Chaekyung's parents decided she deserved a dedicated driver. Rather than relying on a service like several other families did, or sharing her driver with the household, she was granted her own car. It was a white Rolls Royce and it was driven by a young man who looked very becoming in his dazzlingly white uniform. At the sight of Juyeon standing beside her at the kerb, her driver looked concerned. </p><p>"Is he coming to the hair shop with you?" </p><p>"Are you saying there is something wrong with my hair, Taehyung?" Chaekyung asked as she pressed her bag handles into his palm. </p><p>"No," he said nervously, "But you have an appointment."</p><p>"I have something more urgent to do," Chaekyung said. Her driver hesitated but he decided not to argue his side. He opened the boot of the car so he and Juyeon could fill it up with Chaekyung's presents before starting off home. </p><p>"Did you have a good day at school?" Taehyung asked. He wasn't the type to ask questions, generally taciturn and pretending not to be texting his friends at traffic lights. Today he was fishing for information to feed back to the people who actually paid him. </p><p>For a moment Chaekyung wondered how her parents would react to that. She could pretend Juyeon was something that he wasn't whilst maintaining his most important quality, the fact he was impecunious, and see just how desperately her parents would try to steer her back to their version of virtue. </p><p>For now she decided against that and glanced at Juyeon in the seat beside her. </p><p>"Today was alright. It isn't over yet. I have lots of work ahead." </p><p>"Lots of… homework?" </p><p>"Something like that."</p><p>"Who is your friend?" Taehyung eventually asked. </p><p>"He's Sangyeon’s boy," Chaekyung replied. </p><p>The driver laughed alone before the sound petered out and he cleared his throat. "What does that mean?" </p><p>"He's a boy and he belongs to Sangyeon. There's not really anything to explain."</p><p>In the rearview it was obvious that there was more to explain from Taehyung's perspective but Chaekyung wasn't offering another word. Juyeon looked happy with the explanation anyhow. </p><p>They arrived at home. Juyeon pressed his face against the car window as they drove up the drive shaded by ancient trees. Taehyung let them out at the front of the house and Juyeon glanced around in awe as he was allocated some slippers to replace his school shoes. Laden with gifts and flowers and a helium balloon, he followed Chaekyung up the deep wood staircase of the western style manor. The regal red carpet runner on the stairs and along the corridors muffled the footsteps behind her but she wondered how far behind Juyeon was going to let himself get. He wouldn't get lost seeing as there were nameplates on the doors but he seemed like the type to try to explore. </p><p>"Juyeon, hurry up," Chaekyung called. </p><p>"Sorry, Chaekyung," Juyeon said as he hurried to catch up with her, bags buffeting around his legs. </p><p>"Please don't run in the house." </p><p>"Of course. Sorry about that. I won't run again." He was a funny person, his face always pulled into smiles that settled too deeply. Even in her home, where she was on steadier ground, she couldn't trust him. </p><p>In her room, Juyeon stood at the doorway and held the bags of gifts at his sides redundantly. </p><p>"Are you going to bring those in?" Chaekyung asked as she sat on her four-poster bed beneath the pink canopies draped dreamily to perfection. Juyeon shuffled into the room and knelt on the fluffy pink rug in front of her. The gift bags settled all around and he looked up at Chaekyung expectantly. </p><p>"I'm sorry that I didn't buy you anything. I was glad when you told me that you needed my help so I can make up for it. I told the football captain why I needed to skip but I don't think he believed that someone like you knew who I was."</p><p>Chaekyung tried to smile but her face didn't feel quite right when faced with Juyeon's patient innocence. </p><p>"Have you ever received a love letter before?" she asked. </p><p>Juyeon laughed. "No. Who would send one to me?" </p><p>It was better not to respond to a question like that. Chaekyung would hate to meet the person who wanted to send him anything. </p><p>"I have a lot of love letters. I want you to look through them for me." </p><p>"Do you think I might be able to find out who sent the letters?" Juyeon asked as he glanced at the presents and flowers around him. "I don't think I am smart enough." </p><p>"You're a scholarship student, aren't you?" Chaekyung pointed out as she leaned forward. "That's why Sangyeon picked you. You're smart. But don't worry, this isn't an impossible task. I just want you to match up the handwriting on the gift tags to the love letters I have been receiving." </p><p>Chaekyung fetched the box of letters from beneath her bed. Juyeon smiled at her once she emerged and for a moment she wondered what sort of romantic notions were going through his head. </p><p>There was nothing romantic about the box of notes. 85 notes and letters inside the box were from one person who had begun writing to Chaekyung since the start of the school year in March. It was strange and weird and it wasn't what normal people did. There were notes from other people too but Chaekyung wasn't so bothered about them when they didn't come close to the total sent from someone who had identified themselves in each note with the number '11'.</p><p>Perhaps Juyeon would see just why Chaekyung hated receiving these letters. If not, she would have to try again and find someone to take pity on her. She tossed the box to Juyeon and right away he set about working. </p><p>Chaekyung left him in her room and went to fetch drinks for the two of them. She returned with juice that one of the housekeepers bought by accident and frowned at the bag of honey butter chips sitting on her bed. They didn't come with a note and it was a strange gift for someone to bother wrapping so prettily as the other presents, no matter how much of a challenge it was to find these crisps. </p><p>"Who are they from?" </p><p>"Me," Juyeon said as he glanced up at Chaekyung and accepted the frosted glass of fruit juice. </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"I forgot to give them to Sangyeon. I can find some for him to have another time."</p><p>Chaekyung scoffed. As tempting as it was to throw the crisps away, she hoped to spite Sangyeon by eating them. They were good, the taste improved by the circumstances which brought them to her, and she idly ate them as she texted back and forth with Suhyun about what to wear on Saturday. </p><p>"This card is so cute," Juyeon said as he held up the card from Sejeong. "Whoever gave it to you must really like you." He opened the card and frowned. </p><p>"It isn't from anyone who likes me. I don't know why she made me a birthday card. We don't talk." </p><p>"Maybe she likes you and you don't realise," Juyeon offered. </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"Like one of your secret admirers." </p><p>"Why would a girl be my secret admirer?" She asked with narrowed eyes. Juyeon closed the card and held it in his lap as he regarded Chaekyung carefully. She was glad someone found her challenging, even if it was just a boy Sangyeon had taken under his wing. </p><p>"A girl could fancy you."</p><p>"Is that what I look like to you? Someone who likes other girls?" </p><p>Juyeon smiled awkwardly, an unfortunate default expression when he was so awful at articulating words delicately at the best of times. "A girl could like you anyway." </p><p>Chaekyung rolled her eyes and lay back onto her bed. She was tired. She knew it was a possibility but that was awful. It doubled the amount of people who could be sending the love letters. She shouldn't let herself trust anyone if even a girl could see what happened earlier this year and continue sending their notes. </p><p>Juyeon kept working quietly, sorting through the tags and various love letters and notes until he asked, "Did Sangyeon not bring anything to school for you?" </p><p>"Why would he?" Chaekyung asked as her fingers clenched around the empty crisp packet. </p><p>"You're his friend. He loves you." </p><p>Chaekyung sat up. Juyeon sat up and he looked like he really believed what he was saying. </p><p>"He loves me about as much as he loves you. Stop smiling, Juyeon, you shouldn't be happy about that," Chaekyung said. </p><p>"He fought people for you. He wanted to protect you. Is that not enough love?" </p><p>Chaekyung shook her head. She wondered what Sangyeon had done to this kid to have his head so full of stupidity already. Juyeon's idolatry had Chaekyung's stomach roiling. She could say anything right now and it wouldn't dampen the passionate certainty in his countenance. </p><p>"He would fight people for you too. He doesn't love us, Juyeon, not in the way you're supposed to love a person. He thinks he owns us. They all do," she said, voice dipping too low when her lips curved around words she wouldn't breathe in front of anyone she considered a friend. "At least he's paying for you. I can have almost anything I want in the world, so he has nothing to give me, yet I am going to end up stuck with him."</p><p>Reproach spilled over Juyeon's lips and he sealed them shut for a moment until he couldn't hold his words back any longer. </p><p>"You really don't love Sangyeon?" </p><p>"I hate him." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Taehyung drove Chaekyung to the Palam Palace late on Saturday afternoon. Her mother was upset with her for missing out on her hair appointment and her waxing appointment and her nail appointment after school yesterday, however she wasn't the sort of mother to upset her daughter. Chaekyung was still allowed to go to her party but her parents would go separately. It was hardly a punishment. It was the way things usually were. They always rode to events in their own separate cars. </p><p>Chaekyung's parents were stupid. They were lucky they had a child as good as her, one who didn't detect the scent of cannabis on her driver and make him share with her. Or they were lucky they had a child who was afraid of everything that would further loosen her anchor from self-control. She had no idea what all sorts of substances would do to her but she had no desire to find out what she could take to further submerge her in the currents directed by others. </p><p>She just quietly kept to herself. </p><p>Without even the interference of her driver, Chaekyung could consider what Juyeon said to her yesterday. Recruiting scholarship students to help out was a better plan than Chaekyung could have expected. Not that she was happy with what he had to say. </p><p>Between the lillies and the love notes, Juyeon was certain that Chaekyung's most persistent admirer was a first-year girl. There wasn't anyone specific who came to mind though she wondered why any first-year girl would be interested. It was probably just a passing crush that would dissipate into nothingness before too long. </p><p>Things felt like they were forever but Chaekyung knew that feelings lacked permanence in spite of all the best efforts. </p><p>Chaekyung peered through the window of the car, seeing just how close she was to someone she thought she would love forever. The Palam Palace matched the Palam Tech Lees perfectly. Dark planes reached into the air, jagged peaks of artificial mountains and shapes which nobody else had thought would make a good design for a home. The villainous architecture didn't end with the prismatic void which sliced against the azure of the summer sky. The Palam Tech Lees had a moat around their home. </p><p>As far as Chaekyung knew, the drawbridge connecting the home and the rest of the world actually worked, though today it was down. The car trundled over the hollow bridge and the thought of plummeting into the water below settled into her mind. </p><p>Unfortunately they made it safely across and Taehyung pulled up at the front of the house behind another car. The driver got out of the car and opened Chaekyung's door to help her out. </p><p>"When are you going to start using the cologne I bought you?" Chaekyung asked, her hand in the gloved hand of her driver. </p><p>"I do use it," Taehyung said as he attempted to subtly smell himself. </p><p>"Use more," Chaekyung advised right before a squeal pealed into the air. Taehyung was dull and slow and barely made the effort to look for the source of the sound before someone had already wrapped themself around Chaekyung. </p><p>"I've missed you so much!" </p><p>Chaekyung shook away her driver's hand and held Jinsol close to her chest. Jinsol was Haein and Sangyeon’s younger cousin who must have been eleven years old by now. She didn't tend to be affectionate with her cousins but Chaekyung seemed to be a special case and the young girl took every opportunity to link arms or hold hands or back-hug. Despite her current disdain of almost everyone, Chaekyung couldn't count herself as disappointed. She wondered if she could keep Jinsol. Hide her away from her cousins and her aunt and uncle and see if she grew up into someone who understood kindness. </p><p>Even Jinsol's parents weren't so bad and they called Chaekyung over to their car, an old Gunju model, and smiled at her through the passenger window. </p><p>"You look lovely today, Chaekyung," Jinsol's mother said, almost looking proud. "Will you look after our Jinsol today?" </p><p>"Of course I will," Chaekyung promised. She pulled Jinsol tighter against her side and tried not to crush her bag between them. "Are you not coming to the party?" </p><p>"Not this time, dear. We will send your gift to your house whilst you're here. Make sure you have a good time today, precious."</p><p>Chaekyung promised though she doubted she could keep it. She gripped Jinsol's hand tight as they went inside the Palam Palace. The building was cold, supposed to be refreshing in the summer heat but the day wasn't unbearable enough that Chaekyung craved cold like this. </p><p>The low light inside the house was unsettling even when music was playing throughout the interior and the sounds of the house staff working weren't too far away. Even Jinsol was quiet as she walked alongside Chaekyung, hands tightly clasped as their footsteps on the hard black floor tiles echoed around the cavernous open-plan living room. </p><p>Eventually they made it through the house to the French windows leading out to the sprawling gardens. The sun shone over the perfect lawn which spread until the distant channel of the moat. Tables set up near the house were being checked over for the finishing touches and Chaekyung smiled at Jinsol and led her over to one of the tables. </p><p>Five places set at each table and Chaekyung wasn't surprised that she was at the same table as Haein, Sohee, and Suhyun. The fifth seat wasn't for Jinsol though. Chaekyung had never met a Han Hyeri before and whilst Jinsol whined about being left out she wondered who Haein's guest was. </p><p>"Don't touch that."</p><p>"Haein, it's good to see you," Chaekyung said as she was pulled into an embrace. Haein kissed her cheek and reached to awkwardly squeeze her cousin's shoulder. </p><p>"You too. You both look lovely."</p><p>The pleasantries were done with and Chaekyung gestured to the table. </p><p>"Who is Hyeri?" </p><p>"She's this darling little girl I am tutoring."</p><p>"What about Jinsol?" </p><p>"She has a seat," Haein said, voice high and eyebrows lifting behind her fringe. "Don't worry. You have a seat, Jinsol. I think you're at a table with Sangyeon. You remember Sangyeon, don't you?" </p><p>Jinsol glowered and clung to Chaekyung's arm. "I want to sit with Chaekyung though."</p><p>Haein laughed, humourless and exasperated after barely a minute together. "We can't have everything that we want, Jinsol. Chaekyung, I need to speak to you later. Come and find me before most of the guests arrive."</p><p>Haein flitted away, charming people however briefly as she walked across the garden. </p><p>"I'm sorry, Jinsol."</p><p>"It's your party too. Why is she so mean?" Jinsol pouted. Even whilst complaining she was cute. Chaekyung pinched her cheeks and laughed at how it made the girl grumble. </p><p>Whilst they had time and space to themselves, Chaekyung asked Jinsol all about school, and her riding lessons, and her singing lessons and it was worth it to hear the girl excitedly chatter away. She sounded like she was having a good time at school. Chaekyung could only hope things continued that way. </p><p>Suhyun announced her arrival by almost shoving Chaekyung off the edge of the lawn and into the moat. She laughed as she flopped onto the grass and poked at Chaekyung's waist. She was annoying as ever but that was one of the reasons to love her. Before long Chaekyung, Suhyun, and Jinsol had lost their shoes and were dashing across the lawn in chase of one another. They were nuisances, getting in the way of the workers and the waiting and kitchen staff but Chaekyung didn't care. It was fun. If she fell and got grass stains on her dress she wouldn't care. She rolled up from the ground and kept running until she reached Jinsol and pulled her down to the grass, squealing and laughing as Suhyun tried to drag both of them across the ground. </p><p>Fun couldn't last forever. The party had to begin. The guests had to be polite, wrinkling their nose at Chaekyung's messy hair and her chlorophyll-stained dress. Her parents were the worst of all when it came to masking their distaste and her mother's eyes brimmed with tears the moment she set eyes on the state Chaekyung had gotten herself into. </p><p>Good. </p><p>She was a far sight from perfect; her missed appointments for her hair and her nails and all the other treatments that her mother deemed necessary were nothing to worry about now that she looked a mess. Perhaps people would finally stop looking at her. </p><p>Not everyone did as she wanted. Chaekyung didn't mind the longing looks from Jinsol who had folded her napkin into a rough heart and was waving it across the gap between their tables. Sangyeon was looking too much though. Chaekyung didn't want Sangyeon to look at her. </p><p>The new girl kept looking too. The darling little middle-school girl who Haein had suddenly found time to tutor. Hyeri chirped like a bird and Haein sang her lark-like laughter at every comment and question. The girl didn't look particularly rich, dressed the way someone her age might rather than wearing an outfit hewn-together from precious gems. The way Haein doted on this girl was strange but Chaekyung supposed that Haein's whims were beyond the comprehension of mortal fools. </p><p>They were on their starters for the meal, a light vegetable broth that was little more than oil on water, when Haein cleared her throat, oblivious to the very topic Chaekyung wanted to be rid of. </p><p>"I heard that you have fallen out with my brother."</p><p>Chaekyung glanced around the table. The little sparrow girl Hyeri wouldn't have been the one to say anything, so that left Suhyun and Sohee. Possibly both of them judging by the ways their eyes shifted. </p><p>Chaekyung nodded and tried to steady herself. Already she could feel her heart hammering in her chest. At times she was terrified of Haein. </p><p>"You could say that."</p><p>"What did he do?" Haein asked with a kind smile. </p><p>"I don't really want to—" </p><p>"I asked you to speak with me before the guests arrived," Haein interrupted. "You just wanted to play with Jinsol, and that's fine, I wouldn't have a conversation like this in front of her, but the only time we have to talk is now. In front of everyone else. What did Sangyeon do?" </p><p>It felt like a challenge, pressing her for a response. No matter what Chaekyung said, Haein likely had a dozen rebuttals to shut her down. Only, Chaekyung didn't even have an argument for Haein to dismantle. </p><p>"I just need a break from him. He stresses me out sometimes."</p><p>"Why?" </p><p>Suhyun laughed and curled her fingers around Chaekyung's wrist. "It was only a couple of weeks ago that he nearly beat up my brother," she said, voice falling in volume as she tightened her grip on Chaekyung's wrist. "He has a terrible temper." </p><p>"Your brother was the one who started it, was he not?" Haein asked, eyes sharp on Suhyun. "Sangyeon’s temper is not the point. Chaekyung, what is the problem?"</p><p>"We just fell out, alright?" Chaekyung said. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to ruin your party, Haein."</p><p>"Chaekyung," Haein said, businesslike, "Family is the most important thing. All the girls around this table are my family. I love you all dearly, more than you realise. However… that doesn't mean that I will be happy about you upsetting my brother for no reason. If you fell out with Sangyeon for no reason, you can make up with him for no reason. Am I clear?"</p><p>That was one way to go about things. Chaekyung wondered whether this was simply a step of the master plan. Chaekyung would be stuck, probably married to Sangyeon at some point in her life because she couldn't ever say no to Haein. Not even now. Not even when she was certain that she hated the bones of Sangyeon. </p><p>"Crystal."</p><p>Even Chaekyung heard the tone of her voice, the dissenting current beneath her breath which wasn't quite acquiescence. Haein squinted at Chaekyung but whatever she wanted to say was drowned out by the sound of strings. Haein frowned and glanced over Chaekyung's shoulder. In fact everyone was looking over Chaekyung's shoulder. </p><p>A string quartet was walking into the garden from around the side of the house accompanied by several young girls dressed as fairies carrying huge bouquets of flowers. </p><p>"Is that my brother?" </p><p>So that explained part of the situation. Following the procession of fairies was a man who Chaekyung just about recognised.</p><p>Two weeks ago they had all gone out for dinner and planned this party and a man at one of the other tables had bought Haein a drink and flirted her into the toilets or somewhere equally as undignified. And now he was here. At the Palam Palace. </p><p>Haein squealed and leapt out of her seat to rush over to the man who arrived. </p><p>"Han Seokhee, I can't believe you came!" </p><p>Chaekyung actually could believe it. She was glad about it too </p><p>Nobody was looking at her. Everyone was looking at Haein as she twirled in the arms of a man she barely knew. </p><p>"So that's happening," Suhyun muttered. </p><p>"I think they're cute," Sohee said. </p><p>She would. Chaekyung kept watching Haein just like everyone else was, just like Haein wanted. And then the tickle of fingertips trailed along the bare skin of her back startled her. </p><p>"Hey," Sangyeon said quietly, "Can we go somewhere to talk?" </p><p>Chaekyung had nothing to say to Sangyeon but she also supposed Han Hyeri's brother was going to need somewhere to sit. And nobody was looking at her. Who was going to know? </p><p>Sangyeon’s bedroom was nice. These days the walls had matured and the planets and stars were less cartoonish. The walls had been decorated by an artist who specialised in spray paints. It was cool. Chaekyung liked looking at the walls in here and she liked how stupid the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling looked next to the hyper-realism of the cosmic clouds on the walls. </p><p>"Why do you close the blinds every time you come in here?" Sangyeon asked. </p><p>"I like seeing the stars," Chaekyung grinned. </p><p>Sangyeon ruffled his hair and laughed, embarrassed, before sitting on his bed. </p><p>"Can you switch on your lava lamp?" Chaekyung asked as she climbed onto the bed and reached up to the ceiling. She couldn't quite pick a star off the ceiling and Sangyeon stood up beside her after turning on his lava lamp. The purple glow extinguished some of the plastic stars on the ceiling but Sangyeon reached for a star and stuck it to Chaekyung's forehead with a sad smile. </p><p>"How long have you hated me for?" </p><p>Chaekyung sighed. She couldn't complain. She knew exactly what they were here to talk about. She took the plastic star from her forehead and squeezed the points into her palm. </p><p>"I don't know," she admitted. "It must have been a while."</p><p>"What can I do to make you love me again. Or at least want to be my friend." </p><p>"You'd have to change a lot. Everything. Your personality is rotten too."</p><p>Surprisingly, Sangyeon nodded. "Jaehyun says things like that. He doesn't know me that well but you're saying the same things that he is. You must be right though. It explains why I don't have any friends."</p><p>Chaekyung nodded. She pressed the star against Sangyeon’s forehead. "What about me. At school I only have you and Suhyun."</p><p>"That's because you won't let anyone be your friend. A lot of people want to get close to you. Did you already forget about all the presents you got yesterday?" </p><p>"Was it you? Did you move everything off my desk?" </p><p>"I think I missed some glitter, but yeah. How else were you going to get any work done?" Sangyeon sat down, cross-legged on his bed and he gestured for Chaekyung to join him. And she did. They sat on his bed in the dark, only illuminated by the dreamy ultraviolet of his lava lamp. This felt oddly familiar in a way Chaekyung knew she hadn't experienced it previously. Strange. But spending time with Sangyeon after telling everyone she hated him was just as strange. </p><p>"None of those people like me. They don't know me," Chaekyung pointed out. "I love Suhyun, but she seems to be the only good person around me. You're terrifying, Sangyeon. You're one of my only friends and you make me feel afraid."</p><p>Sangyeon’s mouth dropped open and he rubbed his forehead to flick away the star, serious. "Is that really what you think? What about the stuff you told Juyeon about me treating you like I owned you? I wanted to apologise for that." </p><p>"It's all the same," Chaekyung said. "You're scary because you're too much like Haein. You act like I belong to you. You wouldn't hesitate to destroy someone who damaged one of your belongings." </p><p>"That's really not it," Sangyeon said. </p><p>"It's not? You were outnumbered and still did enough damage that someone needed reconstructive surgery. If you weren't dragged away, when would you have stopped? When he was dead?" </p><p>Sangyeon licked his lips nervously and said, "You hated the things he said about you. You said you wished he was dead." </p><p>Chaekyung wanted to cry. If she was capable, she would be in floods of tears. Instead she could only look at a boy who was no less scary. He hadn't done anything wrong. He thought he had done something right. He must not have considered anything else. </p><p>Everyone should have thought Sangyeon scary. He acted in the ways he thought were right. Chaekyung had been at her wit's end, crying every day and struggling to build herself up to leave the house or even look at her phone, but any solution she thought of wasn't as bloody and wretched as the solution Sangyeon brought about. </p><p>She hated him for something which couldn't change, yet she was thinking about the fact she wouldn't have minded it at all if she hadn't had to see any of it. If she had simply seen pictures of her harassers when they were bloodied and beaten she would have thought justice had been served and moved on with her life. Instead she had to watch her friend mete out a punishment vile enough to make bile bubble up to meet the globules of snot from her hysterics. </p><p>Justice was served. Chaekyung got what she wanted and she learnt to be careful what she wished for. It was her birthday tomorrow. She needed to wish for something that wouldn't prickle her with sickness whenever she tried to sleep. </p><p>"Why…" Chaekyung tried again. "If I said I wish you were dead, what would you do?" </p><p>"I don't know." </p><p>Chaekyung really began to wonder. Maybe Sangyeon would get creative, make his kept boy Juyeon do the job to see whether it might make her happy. She wouldn't be happy. She shook her head. "I wish you weren't scary."</p><p>"I won't be. I'm working on it," Sangyeon offered, barely louder than a whisper. "I'll do anything to make you look at me again."</p><p>Chaekyung didn't doubt that. Right now she was looking at Sangyeon but she didn't like what she saw. She wondered whether she ever would. </p><p> </p><p>The answer came the next morning in the form of a fragment of sparkling rock that came with a note from Sangyeon. </p><p>'<em>I love you to the moon and back</em>.' </p><p>They weren't going to change. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i don't think i have been talking much in the notes so what better time than the end of a chapter which might just put off even more readers haha</p><p>i have been thinking a lot lately of how this is the last fic i am going to post on ao3. around a month ago i decided it would be for the best. unfortunately i am so happy with the decision that i keep forgetting that i promised to finish this fic… i really don't have enough of it written to get complacent and feel content with writer's block haha</p><p>it is doubtful anyone is out there hanging on and waiting for updates haha so i suppose this note is more for myself: the ten-ish days between updates might have to become 3 weeks as i had initially predicted seeing as it has been taking me at least 4 weeks to write chapters!!! i even had a week off for my birthday and i hardly wrote a word!!! so after the next update on a wednesday i will drop the sunday updates. hopefully there will be a time in future when i have enough written that i can add sunday updates once more. it will be great to just get rid of this fic too and enjoy my quiet retirement haha</p><p>(oh and for anyone has read this chapter and any of the others, thank you so much!!! as much as i would love to hear your thoughts, i understand that i never give much to think about in the first place haha so thank you for spending time reading this nonsense fic)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Stars Live in the Dark — December 2013</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sangyeon feels unwell right before the year ends</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With the cooling climate came the school holidays. They wintered at a JK resort on the mountains, as many of the other families in their circle tended to do, and the change of scenery was good for all of them. The burden of schoolwork had disappeared since the holidays had arrived, though it didn't matter anyway with Sejeong doing his work for him. Since the summer she had stopped speaking to Sangyeon though she was still good enough to write his essays and pass him the answers for tests. </p><p>Sitting beside Sejeong day after day was tiring. Sangyeon hadn't felt so hated and tolerated by anyone outside of his home so freedom was refreshing. Freedom and the wind which whipped around mountain tops and forced itself down the back of Sangyeon’s neck. Perhaps the combination was too refreshing. </p><p>"This is nothing like the beach," Sangyeon said, teeth chattering as Eric and Sunwoo compacted snow around him. He should have known better than to get distracted by these kids but teaching them to snowboard was a lost cause. </p><p>"You need to stop thinking that you're cold," Sunwoo advised as he scooped more snow over Sangyeon. "Think warm thoughts."</p><p>Sangyeon was trying to think warm thoughts. Instead, all he could think about was how stupid he really was. He was stupid for listening to Jaehyun when he insisted that looking after these kids would be fun. He was stupid for offering to teach two of the kids to snowboard. He was stupid for deciding the kids were beyond teaching. He was stupidest of all for helping the kids to dig a hole and then sitting in it. </p><p>"You'll regret this when Jaehyun comes back," Sangyeon told the kids. </p><p>"Do you think so?" Eric asked, face tensed with worry. </p><p>"I don't think we will," Sunwoo disagreed, slapping Eric's shoulder firmly. </p><p>Sunwoo was probably right. This was revenge for not helping Jaehyun to find a boyfriend, Sangyeon was sure of it. Sangyeon shivered, his trembling doing nothing to dislodge any of the snow trapping him in the ground. All the same, he had to be positive. The past six months can't have meant nothing to Jaehyun. </p><p>"You're wrong. Jaehyun is going to save me and he will bury you in the snow. Forever." </p><p>"Will he really?" Eric asked. </p><p>"Absolutely," Sangyeon said, very seriously. "He will be so scary when he captures you and shoves you into a hole." </p><p>Sunwoo snorted but it did nothing to calm Eric down. </p><p>"Sangyeon, will he really bury me alive? Just like what we're doing to you?" Eric asked, eyes wide as he shrank away from Sunwoo. "I don't want him to. Tell him not to do that." </p><p>"Do you think he'll listen to what I say?" Sangyeon asked, hamming up his performance as someone who might be afraid of a guy who has three pairs of Spiderman slippers. "If you don't want to get buried you will have to make sure Jaehyun doesn't catch you."</p><p>With that warning, Eric dashed away, kicking up sprays of snow in the wake of each heavy-booted footstep. Sunwoo remained, huffing and glaring at Sangyeon. </p><p>"Why did you scare him away?" </p><p>"I was trying to scare him into freeing me. You do it."</p><p>Sunwoo's expression turned wary. He hesitated around his next words before he pressed his lips together. He ran. If Sangyeon ever got his hands on those kids again he was going to bury them. He wouldn't even leave their heads out, he would just carve out little channels for air. </p><p>Playing with the kids in the summer had been fun, and Sangyeon hadn't minded being stuck in the sand until the tide came and Jaehyun wasn't quite fast enough when excavating him from his doom. He had only thrown up for ten minutes as his body ejected all the sand and salt water back then and they were all back to joking around and playing pranks the next day. </p><p>The fault here was Sangyeon’s. Without the risk of drowning he assumed he would be fine to go along with Sunwoo and Eric this time. He had not forseen hypothermia. The numbness that was gripping Sangyeon was a reminder of exactly how stupid he was. </p><p>Already, he could imagine the smugness emanating from Jaehyun as he asked how Sangyeon had been tricked by a couple of twelve year old kids. Sure, Sunwoo would probably argue that he was fourteen but the point still remained that Sangyeon was an idiot. An idiot who was losing body parts by the second. </p><p>Whilst awaiting his slow death a few hundred metres from the Green Pine trail (for babies, according to Sunwoo who was too much of a novice for the baby trail), Sangyeon wondered what he had done to deserve this. The positive side was that Eric and Sunwoo had abandoned their snowboards when they escaped so they had to come back for him eventually. </p><p>'Eventually' was taking far longer than Sangyeon had hoped. He shouted for help but all he heard in response was the sound of people having fun without him. He wondered how much fun Jaehyun was having without him. </p><p>Jaehyun was an alright guy. No, he was better than alright. Considering how determined he seemed to hate Sangyeon when he first arrived he was an easy person to get on with. That was probably why none of the kids had tried to bury him alive. </p><p>All summer, Jaehyun had taken it upon himself to help Sangyeon to make friends. Unfortunately the friends were much younger than either of them and since the summer had developed a penchant for burying, and tripping, and losing Sangyeon. Now that he had time to contemplate the situation, these friends Jaehyun was forcing upon Sangyeon clearly didn't much like him. </p><p>This was a trend. </p><p>Sangyeon sagged. Luckily the snow was tight enough to hold him upright. Seeing as he couldn't feel any part of his body he would have struggled to keep looking around for signs of rescue. There wasn't much sign of rescue anyway but Sangyeon had to keep hoping. </p><p>After what must have been hours, perhaps even an entire year, a wondrous figure emerged from the blinding white scenery to save him. The wondrous figure was also followed by some less wondrous figures but Sangyeon didn't much care for them. </p><p>"Sangyeon, are you alright?" Jaehyun asked, frantic as he dug Sangyeon free of the snow. Sangyeon was not alright at all but he felt like this was the start of something good. Jaehyun and the kids dragged Sangyeon from the snow and were all fine to blame each other as they made their way to the resort hotel. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sangyeon’s mother was unimpressed to say the least. </p><p>"It's just a chill. You did this to yourself," she told him several times during the seven minutes she deigned to visit him while explaining why he wouldn't be getting any medical attention. The important part was she came to see him. It was more than could be said for his father. </p><p>Haein was busy, that was fine and she managed to send him messages checking he was fine before making fun of him. </p><p>It was Jaehyun who came to visit him in person. Sangyeon couldn't bother even attempting to be a good host. The call from reception asking whether he wanted a guest seemed like something imagined, not sure why Jaehyun would want to come to see him, but Jaehyun really was here in his suite after being brought in by one of the resort workers. </p><p>"Did you see a doctor?" Jaehyun asked once the resort worker had coughed enough times for Jaehyun to take the hint and embarrassedly admit to not having any cash for a tip. Sangyeon’s wallet was within reach, on the bedside table, so they were able to send the worker away with a smile. But Jaehyun's apprehension made him look like he needed something too. Probably an answer Sangyeon couldn't provide. </p><p>"No. My mother has decided that I'm just faking. I'm fine, really," Sangyeon said, head aching from how stuffed it felt. </p><p>"You don't look fine," Jaehyun said. </p><p>"Thanks."</p><p>Jaehyun exhaled, almost irritated but he was one breath closer to smiling as he stood at the end of Sangyeon’s bed. "I told the kids you'd be fine because Eric was crying. Hyunjun kept telling him that it would be his fault if you died. Sunwoo tried to help, I think, but he said you were faking." </p><p>It sounded like Sunwoo had attended the same medical school that Sangyeon’s mother had. He supposed they were right; he would be fine. Wrapped up in bed, Sangyeon realised it wasn't so bad. Maybe his mother was right when she briefly checked his pulse and told him he wasn't blue enough to really be suffering. He was comfortable, if tired, and the only concern right now was how much snot he was suddenly producing. He'd caught a chill and nothing more. </p><p>"You're a kid too," Sangyeon muttered, "you don't need to worry about me or reassuring the others."</p><p>"I'm not a kid," Jaehyun said. "If I'm a kid, that makes you a kid too."</p><p>"That sounds like something a kid would say," Sangyeon said. </p><p>"Don't make me come over there and fight you," Jaehyun warned. Sangyeon laughed. Jaehyun couldn't have been further from the fighting type but he always sounded like he thought differently when he said that. </p><p>"Fight me," Sangyeon offered. Jaehyun glowered but he did approach. He kneeled on the side of Sangyeon’s bed, kicking off his shoes and making himself comfortable on top of the covers. </p><p>"I don't need to fight you. I will just stay with you all day and annoy you into submission."</p><p>"Is that a promise?" </p><p>Jaehyun paused but he nodded as he rolled onto his belly. "Yeah. You're going to be sick of me by the end of the day."</p><p>"I can't wait," Sangyeon smiled, "it will be better than the reason I am sick now."</p><p>Jaehyun went quiet. It was going to be difficult to make Sangyeon sick of him like this as he fiddled with his fingers. Curious, Sangyeon reached out of the warmth of his bed for Jaehyun's hands. They were cold. Odd considering Sangyeon’s should have been colder. Instead of commenting on that, Sangyeon said, </p><p>"You have nice hands, you know." </p><p>"Thanks," Jaehyun mumbled. He allowed his fingers to unfurl as Sangyeon traced lines across his palms with his fingertips. And then snap. His left hand closed around Sangyeon’s forefinger, tight. The ice of his hands had already begun to thaw and the free edge of one of his nails pressed against Sangyeon’s finger. </p><p>"I think I like them better like this." </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Your hands when they're holding mine."</p><p>"Shut up," Jaehyun muttered as he loosened his hold to slide their palms together properly. "Maybe I will be the one who gets sick of you first."</p><p>Sangyeon raised his eyebrows. "You think so? I don't think that's right. You've had six months to get sick of me. But you won't. Not whilst you feel sorry for me. Imagine how pitiful I must look now? You won't get sick of me today."</p><p>Sangyeon expected Jaehyun to look away, bashful. What he didn't expect was the slow smile which spread across Jaehyun's face. He glanced away for hardly a second and when his gaze returned the shine in his eyes was stronger. </p><p>"Why is that what you're confident about? You shouldn't sound so proud of thinking I just pity you. I really do like you."</p><p>"Laughter is the best medicine, right?" Sangyeon asked, biting back on a smile. </p><p>Jaehyun squeezed Sangyeon’s hand too tight, intent to make him yelp in pain clear. Only, Sangyeon could hold in a reaction like this. He kept smiling sleepily as he saw Jaehyun fail to keep irritation at bay. </p><p>"You're annoying. I really mean it. I like you."</p><p>"I like you too." </p><p>"Not like that," Jaehyun grumbled, finally looking embarrassed. That was interesting. Sangyeon wondered what Jaehyun thought he meant. Sangyeon knew exactly what he meant, what sort of joy he had begun to associate with a friend who looked at Sangyeon like he mattered. </p><p>He didn't mind if Jaehyun didn't feel the same way. He was content just like this. It would be nice for Jaehyun to know he was special to Sangyeon in this way, though there was a chance he wasn't interested in hearing anything like that. He decided to leave it. </p><p>"Being ill is really boring, you know."</p><p>"Should I turn on your TV?" </p><p>"No," Sangyeon said, eyes falling to their linked hands. "Entertain me yourself." </p><p>Jaehyun pressed his face into the spare pillow muffling his annoyance before leaning up again. "How?" he said as though he hadn't just screamed into a pillow. "What do you want me to do?" </p><p>"Sing to me," Sangyeon requested. </p><p>Jaehyun shook his head. And then he began to sing. He was perfect, the best. He sang quietly, a song from a drama, a song that was soft and calming, a song that Sangyeon had said he liked more than the outlandish storyline. Just like the song, Sangyeon felt like maybe his tears could fall. During the chorus Jaehyun tapped the back of his hand with each <em>tok, tok, tok</em> like raindrops more than tears. </p><p>Even whilst singing such a sad song, Jaehyun smiled. His voice was perfect for songs like this. His voice was perfect for everything, especially for talking. </p><p>"Tell me," Sangyeon said when Jaehyun had quietened to humming, "Tell me something nice."</p><p>"What do you want to hear?" Jaehyun asked as he stroked his fingers along the back of Sangyeon’s hand. </p><p>"Give me a happy memory to dream about when I fall asleep."</p><p>"Alright," Jaehyun said, "What about when you bought me and Suhyun matching yo-yos for our birthdays? Is that a happy memory?" </p><p>Sangyeon laughed and sank into his pillow. That wasn't the sort of happy memory he had been thinking. In fact Jaehyun hadn't been very happy at all. </p><p>"I'd known you for like a month, what was I supposed to buy you?" </p><p>"Actually you had known me for two months and fourteen days," Jaehyun said. "That's eighty-nine days, most of which we spent together, and all you got me was a green yo-yo." </p><p>"I've known Suhyun for way longer and all I got her was a blue yo-yo," Sangyeon pointed out. It was convenient of the Samand Lees to have their children almost exactly a year apart, and it was even more convenient for Sangyeon to see a two-for-one offer on crappy plastic yo-yos the day before Suhyun and Jaehyun's joint birthday party. It was perfect. </p><p>"What did you want me to get you?" Sangyeon asked. "Cologne and a dress-shirt?" </p><p>"I wouldn't have minded considering that's exactly what I bought you," Jaehyun pouted. "It was a good present and I don't appreciate you trying to make fun of me for being a better gift-giver than you are."</p><p>"It sounds like your plan to make me into the perfect man failed." </p><p>"That's not what I'm doing," Jaehyun laughed. "You can become a better person without being the perfect man. Who are you supposed to be perfect for?" </p><p>Already the conversation strayed towards something he was happy to drop. Perhaps this was fate. He wasn't supposed to avoid it. </p><p>"Who do you think I am perfect for?" </p><p>"Nobody. You're not perfect," Jaehyun said as quick as anything. </p><p>"So you still have a lot of work to do," Sangyeon prompted. </p><p>The flush which rose in Jaehyun's face was nice, pretty, as he tried to hide his face with their linked hands. He practically dissolved into giggles when Sangyeon nudged their hands to graze his cheek.</p><p>The way his face creased in delight was amazing. Sangyeon couldn't stop watching the smiles and gasps which erupted from his mouth even as he tried to hide his happiness. People had laughed before. People laughed all the time. Nobody laughed like Jaehyun. At least Sangyeon hadn't craved the constant sound from anyone else before. </p><p>Sangyeon loved Jaehyun. </p><p>And that was okay. Jaehyun was pretty, and kind, and determined to see goodness in the world. He deserved someone good, someone who could give him the world, someone who was as good for the world as he was. He deserved someone special. </p><p>Sangyeon would find him someone special. </p><p>"Do you reckon a really perfect guy will be at the new year's gala?" Sangyeon asked. </p><p>The laughter petered out and Jaehyun swallowed back his smile as he shrugged. "I… The kids really wanted to learn to snowboard before the end of the year. I'll have to see if they can behave enough to learn in time." </p><p>Sangyeon waited, biting back his own confused smile as he watched the strengthening glow in his friend's ears. "Jaehyun, that was so bad."</p><p>"What?" </p><p>"The way you just changed the subject," Sangyeon said, tone teasing, "You're being so weird and awkward. If it is such a bother I won't find a boy for you. You can be single forever."</p><p>Jaehyun pinched Sangyeon’s wrist, scowling. "You're annoying."</p><p>"How?" Sangyeon asked, pride blooming and warming him in ways that made him wonder how his body had solidified to freezing in the first place. "If it makes you feel better, I reckon I am going to end up the same way." </p><p>"As if," Jaehyun grumbled. Considering how noble he acted, bound to telling the truth no matter what, he hardly ever believed what Sangyeon said. Right now, Sangyeon could admit something stupid, something scary, and Jaehyun wouldn't believe a breath of it. And Sangyeon didn't mind it. </p><p>"It's true," Sangyeon offered, bolstered by Jaehyun's ignorance as much as he was pushed up into certainty by the dense pillow beneath his head. "In fact, I promise I won't start going out with anyone at least until you have someone. I'll keep you company."</p><p>Jaehyun laughed, a lovely shade of rose rising up his neck and reaching towards his scalp, eyes shifting as his fingertips traced swirling patterns along Sangyeon’s hand. </p><p>"We can both be single together?"</p><p>"Exactly."</p><p>Jaehyun shook his head, yet more disbelief. Briefly, Sangyeon wondered whether there were things Jaehyun did believe. There must have been something that could be voiced by anyone which Jaehyun would have chosen to believe. </p><p>Determined to convince Jaehyun of his dedication to brotherhood, Sangyeon invited him under the covers. He was practicing for being lonely and needing the company of a friend and the ensuing fart was totally accidental no matter what Jaehyun claimed. </p><p>"You're disgusting," Jaehyun grumbled, pinned beneath Sangyeon’s arm and wrapped in the blankets after a minor struggle. Jaehyun could have escaped if he really wanted to. Sangyeon was weak and tired so pushing him away would have been easy. Instead, Jaehyun was doing a good impression of a person who was annoyed. </p><p>"Tell me more nice things," Sangyeon requested, soft and happy as he reached for Jaehyun's face, reaching for the prettiest thing in sight. </p><p>"You make fun of me a lot." </p><p>That wasn't the usual way this game went. Sangyeon’s fingertips stilled on the skin of Jaehyun’s cheek. </p><p>"What are you talking about?" </p><p>Jaehyun closed his eyes for just a moment, breathing carefully, before connecting his gaze to Sangyeon’s. </p><p>"You're making fun of me right now," he said. He sounded so certain of this even though it wasn't true. </p><p>"I'm not making fun of you. I wouldn't." </p><p>"Just because you don't realise it, that doesn't mean you aren't doing something," Jaehyun said quietly. </p><p>They were having fun together, just like always, so Sangyeon didn't understand why Jaehyun was saying something like this. He couldn't think what he could have done to hurt Jaehyun as though it was nothing. </p><p>"I don't want you to think I am making fun of you."</p><p>"You can't help it," Jaehyun said quietly, "You're sick right now."</p><p>Jaehyun was right. Sangyeon did still feel ill, but he didn't have a clue what his friend was thinking about when claiming that he was making fun. It was a good excuse. They could drop the confusing conversation. </p><p>"Can we go to sleep?" Sangyeon suggested. "Seeing as I am sick I need lots of rest." </p><p>Because he was so good to Sangyeon, Jaehyun sighed and relaxed into the arm that tightened around him. It felt like winning, having Jaehyun in his arms, in his bed. Jaehyun even closed his eyes. His eyelashes were straight and dark and Sangyeon wondered how many wishes they were worth. </p><p>"Are you asleep yet?" Jaehyun asked quietly. </p><p>"Yes," Sangyeon promised. </p><p>Jaehyun snickered and wriggled closer. He was perfect. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lots of things were perfect. Perfection was the standard, it was everything their lives were distilled down to. Not a hair was to be out of place, not a single thread loose, nor a smear on an item of glassware. Everything was inspected and deemed unsatisfactory before being polished once more and scrutinised again. </p><p>Sangyeon hadn't reached perfection yet again, though he was lucky at times like this that nobody much wanted to look at him when Haein was adorned in a small fortune of precious stones stitched to metres upon metres of ruffled tulle. His mother spared him her disappointment for just a moment before the stiffness of her expression bled away to a scarlet smile for her diamond daughter. </p><p>It was good. It meant that Sangyeon didn't need to play up and he was allowed to feel embarrassed when Suhyun strutted over in her trouser-suit of gold and maroon. When she was close enough to know she was out of immediate view for those focused on the glimmering centrepiece of the gala's crystalline extravaganza, Suhyun twirled to reveal the brocade blazer fell as a cape at her back. And then she flapped her cape at Sangyeon menacingly as she leered, "I see you've decided to dress yourself at long last."</p><p>"I was dressed before," Sangyeon grumbled, stumbling slightly when Suhyun bumped their shoulders together. </p><p>"If you say so," Suhyun shrugged. "You're so sneaky to fake sickness to lure people's brothers into your bed."</p><p>Sangyeon tried to force away the flush in his face but he still felt too hot even as he countered with, "You're just jealous you didn't manage it first."</p><p>"What?" A laugh. "Why would I want to get in bed with Jaehyun? He sweats a lot from what I remember."</p><p>She might have been right. Sangyeon didn't know. He didn't have the time to find out before Haein had decided to surprise him in his suite with gifts and wine and her friends who were sometimes his friends. </p><p>"I meant Haein."</p><p>Suhyun stopped laughing. She rubbed at her nose and shrugged. "Haein isn't the type to cuddle in bed for comfort. She would have instructed me to quarantine if she thought I was ill." And then she frowned at Sangyeon. "So that's what this is? You and my brother are the same as me and your sister?" </p><p>Sangyeon assumed Suhyun would have been distracted by the notion of Haein. His sister must not have been as powerful a subject as he had assumed if Suhyun's attention was so easily shifted. </p><p>"Perhaps," Sangyeon allowed. "He's a good friend. I know I'm not someone who could make him happy though. I said I would help him to find someone."</p><p>Suhyun's eyes widened, completely round as she flapped her cape listlessly. "I can't believe you're the 'Suhyun' in this situation. Your sister is Lee Haein. Shouldn't my brother think himself lucky for the fact he is allowed to breathe in your presence?" </p><p>Sangyeon laughed. He was Lee Haein's younger brother but that meant he heard all the ways he was inferior to his brilliant and amazing sister so he didn't bother puffing up his own ego just to see it deflate when the comparisons were drawn. </p><p>It wasn't as though Suhyun believed her words anyway, craning her neck and peering wistfully to the centre table where the child forged from the heart of a planet was smiling at all the lesser beings. Suhyun couldn't ever draw her focus away from Haein for good reason. Haein was perfect. Suhyun could cherish perfection. They were a good enough match. </p><p>Sangyeon wasn't perfect but Jaehyun was. Perfect, and brilliant, and kind, and just. Sangyeon knew how to cherish perfection too. </p><p>"Don't say anything to your brother," Sangyeon requested quietly. "I'll get over it. I will find someone for him who deserves him and then everything will be fine."</p><p>Suhyun squeezed Sangyeon’s hand. "You won't."</p><p>"I will. I am looking out for—" </p><p>"Sangyeon," Suhyun interrupted, firm. "If the situation is anything like mine, you won't get over it so easily. You can pretend, but you will be stuck with the feelings."</p><p>Sangyeon looked away. Suhyun gripped his hand even tighter. It was different. Suhyun's fancy had grown its roots back when they were in middle school. Sangyeon had only met Jaehyun a few months ago. He could get over it. Things were fine. But he couldn't shake off Suhyun's hand. He was afraid that she was right. </p><p>After clearing his throat, Sangyeon tried to shed away the deadening of the feelings. "That Han Seokhee guy, what do you know about him?" </p><p>"Aside from the fact that I hate him?" Suhyun prompted. She sighed and leaned against Sangyeon’s shoulder. "Do you see that tiny girl next to Haein? She's his sister. She's like a little angel baby but I don't know much about the brother. He's a creep."</p><p>"It sounds like you know enough about him." </p><p>"Or it sounds like I am jealous." </p><p>It didn't sound quite so much like that. Sangyeon hadn't had much time to see this man, excluded from the dinners where Haein introduced him to their parents, shoved far away to the periphery of events where he would have the opportunity to embarrass the family. Han Seokhee was attractive from the distances Sangyeon had seen him, though likely wasn't good looking enough for someone who commanded universal adoration as Haein did. </p><p>This wasn't the first time he had asked for an opinion about his sister's strange boyfriend. Chaekyung had outright said she hated the man and he even managed to ask Kim Sohee what she thought and received some very choice words about Han Seokhee. The thing was, everyone seemed to like his younger sister. Sangyeon hadn't met her either, not that he had any particular reason to do so, and the girls must have been pretending for her sake as much as Haein's that they didn't dislike the man. </p><p>Even now, as Chaekyung and her parents arrived and greeted the other families at the New Year Gala, Sangyeon saw the way his friend cringed away from the sudden appearance of Han Seokhee at Haein's side. </p><p>"You should go and rescue Chaekyung," Sangyeon suggested. If Suhyun was jealous she had every right to be. Sangyeon would be jealous too after holding a torch for someone who chose a person who came from nowhere, not even considered new money. Sangyeon didn't want to meet Haein's boyfriend officially. She could have chosen anyone else. Maybe she wouldn't have ever chosen Suhyun, but there was something wrong with the choice she did make. </p><p>"If I bring Chaekyung over here, you need to convince her to play," Suhyun said seriously. It had been a while since Suhyun had brought up her game and Sangyeon assumed those days were behind them but now was as good a time as any to start playing seeing as they both needed cheering up. </p><p>The game was simple. There was no winning and losing so the game never dampened anyone's spirits. Chaekyung didn't like the game so much but she had no choice to play along if it was to cheer up her friends. </p><p>"Her," Sangyeon said after they had moved around place settings and found themselves all somewhere to sit on a table with a good vantage point of the ballroom. The Glassic Kangs had been in charge of this year's gala and had the entire ballroom glimmering with magmatic formations of crystals. Most of the guests were dressed accordingly but there were a few who seemed unaware of the theme, the woman Sangyeon had pointed out being one of them. </p><p>"Can you at least describe the person you're demeaning?" Chaekyung grumbled as she peered into her glass of wine earnt by flirting with a waiter. </p><p>"Alright," Sangyeon allowed. "The woman wearing corduroy dungarees to an end of year Gala."</p><p>Suhyun snorted before squinting over at the woman. "Corduroy. She is heiress to the Gwangju corduroy fortune," she decided. </p><p>"She must be falling on hard times," Sangyeon said sympathetically. "A whole city of people having their fingers in one pot of money. No wonder she can't afford to wear anything other than corduroy."</p><p>"Exactly," Suhyun said sagely. She nudged Chaekyung's arm. "You pick someone." </p><p>Chaekyung gave Suhyun a long look. Then she sighed and smoothed her hands over ruffled tiers of her dress resting on her lap. "No. I'm not playing."</p><p>"I'll pick someone then," Suhyun said. She was good at this game. Her eyesight was second to none. She had a gift for spotting the strangest of people in crowds as well as her gift for making up the origins of a target's wealth. The people she had been pointing out today had all looked strange enough that Sangyeon was surprised not to have noticed them without her guidance. This was true of the next person she found. "That boy. Green suit, brown shoes."</p><p>"Brown shoes?" Sangyeon repeated, not sure how Suhyun could see the target's shoes in the first place. He needed Chaekyung to lean in close and offer the line of sight extending from her extended arm pointing towards the entrance. Only one person was wearing a green suit. "That's your brother." </p><p>"You're boring," Suhyun muttered. "Make something up."</p><p>Sangyeon’s mouth was dry. He couldn't make anything up. Being allowed even this superficial level of scrutiny felt wrong when it meant he was allowed to ascribe any sort of existence to Jaehyun. </p><p>There was a curl to Jaehyun's hair and he kept fiddling with strands as he talked to his parents. He withdrew something from his pocket, lip balm, and applied it to his lips as he looked around the ballroom and noticed Suhyun and her friends. Chaekyung did well to turn her pointing finger into a small wave but then Jaehyun started approaching. </p><p>Suhyun kicked Sangyeon under the table. </p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>"Turf," Chaekyung hissed before Jaehyun was in earshot. Green suit, brown shoes. Curly hair. Lip balm. </p><p>"You look nice," Sangyeon said. </p><p>Jaehyun licked his lips awkwardly before settling on a smile. "You too."</p><p>"And me, right?" Suhyun prompted.</p><p>Jaehyun blinked himself to focus and nodded at his sister. "I thought you said you were coordinating with Haein. She's wearing something different to the picture you showed me."</p><p>Suhyun grimaced. "Fashion emergency."</p><p>"What about you?" Chaekyung asked, "Did you always plan to wear a green suit?" </p><p>Immediately uncertainty settled over Jaehyun's face and he glanced down at himself. "Was this not a good idea? My mum took me to get fitted and the tailor said it suited me."</p><p>"You look great," Suhyun said, extremely unconvincingly. Jaehyun seemed to think that she was being insincere. </p><p>"You do look great," Sangyeon said, scowling at Suhyun. "It's a really good look on you." </p><p>"Really?" </p><p>"Yes," Sangyeon said before either of the girls could say anything. "You look amazing. Sit down."</p><p>Jaehyun moved around the table to sit beside Sangyeon. </p><p>"Wow. There's an empty seat next to me," Suhyun pointed out. </p><p>"But my name isn't next to you," Jaehyun said. He lifted up the crystal place setting gilded with his name. Sangyeon wasn't stupid. Of course he was going to swipe Jaehyun's name from a table if he had the chance to sit together. He was already relegated to sitting far from his family so he didn't have the pressure of having to feel his face stiffen with a false smile as a table of Palam shareholders congratulated Haein on the person she had become. </p><p>Sangyeon had been to enough events to know the tirelessly choreographed conversation. He was tired of it all, especially considering how different everything was when he had taken Haein's invitation to sit in on a board meeting. The shareholders had sat around the long table smiling as the Palam patriarch tore strips off her, shouted down every contribution and humiliating her for over a solid hour. A smaller table would only concentrate the pain of sitting around with them. </p><p>The other half of the table would be a mystery until they arrived but any company was better than the alternative. </p><p>"Is sitting together too much like being at school?" Jaehyun asked quietly. "We're probably together too much, right?" </p><p>"No," Sangyeon said. "Why would you say that? I like being with you at school. And out of school too. Everywhere." </p><p>Jaehyun smiled, bright enough to outshine all the decorations in the ballroom. </p><p>It was the worst thing in the world. Jaehyun was going to smile like this at someone else and Sangyeon was just stuck with this one smile that he wouldn't ever forget. He was stupidly, horrendously, disgustingly in love. </p><p>"Oh! My mother told me there wouldn't be a kids' table." </p><p>It was Glassic Kang Mina who was surprised but pleased. Her hand was linked with JK Ju Haknyeon and they smiled sunnily down at everyone else before moving place settings around and pulling out the high-backed white seats and sitting down. </p><p>"This is nice. Look at us sitting together. It reminds me of this summer at the resort!" </p><p>"You should come to the resort for winter next year," Haknyeon suggested. "The summer was really fun!" </p><p>"Was it?" Chaekyung asked dryly. "How nice that you can all reminisce about it."</p><p>"Oh, Chaekyung, where were you?" </p><p>"I had school," Chaekyung said through gritted teeth. "I had a lot of catching up to do in most of my subjects."</p><p>Jaehyun stiffened at Sangyeon’s side, looking away from the conversation. Sangyeon followed his gaze but didn't see much aside from studs of miniature crystals winking out from golden crosshairs on the champagne wallpaper. He wasn't looking at anything in particular, just avoiding being drawn into a conversation about the summer, though Sangyeon couldn't imagine why. </p><p>Jaehyun flinched at the hand that grazed his thigh. </p><p>"Are you alright?" Sangyeon whispered, head ducked close. Jaehyun nodded, a smaller smile this time which looked like it was worn more from obligation than genuine happiness. </p><p>"Fine. Yeah." </p><p>"If there was anything wrong, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?" </p><p>"Of course. How is Chaekyung?" </p><p>A strange deflection. Sangyeon glanced at Chaekyung where she was doing a terrible job of pretending not to be bothered by anything as Kang Mina talked and talked. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary. </p><p>"She's fine," Sangyeon said. The harrumphing sound from Chaekyung was likely just a coincidence. </p><p>The number at the table rounded out to eight with Camink Choi Chanhee and MaCo Kim Sihyeon. Mina didn't look particularly happy with this table configuration but Sangyeon suspected the seating here had much more to do with Suhyun than his friend would admit. Mina looked annoyed but she refused to say anything aloud, instead spewing anecdote after anecdote about the summer spent at one of the JK resorts courtesy of her future in-laws. </p><p>Being engaged at such a young age must have been stressful and Sangyeon didn't envy Mina or Haknyeon, though he was certain that if he was in their position he would do much less talking about being engaged. It sounded awful, though most things tended to be that way. </p><p>As the many dishes were brought out, the string quartet in the corner of the room played to perfection. Mina wistfully mentioned how her family's company had been in contact with Steinway to commission a diamond-encrusted piano but the plans couldn't be worked out in time so the event was entertained with strings instead. Haknyeon assured her that whatever she wanted, his family would do their best to make it happen and he ended up promising her a solid gold Gayageum. The two of them were tiring to listen to but Sangyeon elected not to say anything when he noticed the way Jaehyun's gaze softened as he watched on. </p><p>The relationship between Mina and Haknyeon looked like playing pretend. They were both just fifteen years old and accepted roles their families forced upon them to strengthen their business ties, though Sangyeon wondered if Jaehyun would have been happy with something like that. </p><p>Sangyeon was running out of time. He knew he wouldn't be able to withstand giving up Jaehyun entirely but he would have to endure. He needed to find someone deserving and show them all the ways Jaehyun was perfect. Looking around the ballroom there was a dearth of eligible candidates. </p><p>Too old. Too young. Too ugly. Too poor. </p><p>Sangyeon was the worst friend in the world. </p><p>Sangyeon ate, and he scanned the room, and still nobody appeared. Suhyun even got the whole table playing her game — Chanhee not understanding the point of making up catty conjecture about the origins of someone's money, and Jaehyun looking unimpressed with the whole game as he glared daggers at his sister — but Suhyun's eyes didn't once land on someone who looked good enough for Jaehyun. </p><p>After eating there was dancing, or the invitation to do so though this time was usually reserved for mingling and swaying. Haein was dancing, arms looped around the shoulders of a man Sangyeon didn't trust. She was radiant, shining her grace outwards and dimming the rest of the room by comparison. All eyes were on her. </p><p>Turning to Chaekyung, Sangyeon paused. He was going to ask whether she wanted to dance but something in her contentment made him keep his mouth closed. </p><p>There was no point in interrupting the happiness of friends. Not wanting to get left out, Suhyun beckoned Mina up to dance, twirling the younger girl around so she laughed, loud and full. He decided to try Jaehyun again but he wasn't on his phone as expected. He was looking right at Sangyeon. </p><p>"Yes?" Sangyeon prompted when Jaehyun didn't say anything at all. </p><p>"I need to talk to you," Jaehyun said carefully. </p><p>They talked a lot. They were together all the time and there wasn't much that went unsaid, but this must have been different. </p><p>The attention to detail was no less important outside the hotel ballroom. The doors leading to the dense navy of the night were opened by workers from the hotel and before Sangyeon even stepped foot outside the frigid air greeted him with a cloud of his own condensed breath. Involuntarily his shoulders hunched inwards but before he could cross his arms, Jaehyun's fingertips found his wrist and led him further out onto the patio overlooking the wide lake below. The water was black in the dark, obsidian shine as the slight breeze nudged ripples into the surface. </p><p>The patio was lit by huge lanterns; appearing like uncut gems from the ground, stalagmites of glowing citrine lining the edge of the patio. </p><p>Lit by the yellow glow, Jaehyun's apprehension was palpable. Rather than from the cold, Sangyeon was shivering from anticipation. </p><p>"Are you having fun tonight?" Sangyeon asked. Jaehyun nodded. </p><p>"Yeah. Loads. So I needed to tell you something."</p><p>"Of course," Sangyeon said. "You can tell me anything."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>Nonetheless, Jaehyun didn't elaborate. He just looked at Sangyeon as though he was waiting for something. There was no telling what he was waiting for. Though Sangyeon had said Jaehyun could tell him anything, right now that sense didn't go both ways. He couldn't ask what Jaehyun was waiting to tell him. </p><p>Freezing under the starless sky, Sangyeon wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He wanted to go inside. He wanted to be warm and he wanted things to be normal. He couldn't bring himself to hurry Jaehyun along. There was something he needed to hear. Something that was worth coming outside away from everyone else. </p><p>Sangyeon waited. </p><p>By now the cold had sunk through to grip at his bones until he shook. Jaehyun was shivering too but he was the one keeping them out here. He needed prompting, though Sangyeon heard reproach in his voice when he prised apart his teeth. </p><p>"Jaehyun, I'm cold."</p><p>"I know," Jaehyun said with a brisk nod. "I… it's hard to say. Sorry, Sangyeon. We can go back inside if you want. It doesn't matter."</p><p>It did matter. The defeated tone of Jaehyun’s voice made that clear enough. Sangyeon’s fingers were stiff but he managed to grasp at Jaehyun's hand clumsily, begging him to stay. He pulled Jaehyun after him, towards the edge of the wide patio, out of view of the glinting windows. </p><p>Cloistered against the wall, the cold densely permeating through the back of Sangyeon’s suit jacket, this must have been easier. It had to be easier because Sangyeon wasn't sure what would happen if Jaehyun didn't tell him. He anchored Jaehyun to him, fingers feeling brittle as he squeezed his friend's shoulders. </p><p>"Will it be easier to tell me if I close my eyes? You can pretend I'm asleep," Sangyeon suggested, "It will be like I'm not even listening because I'm sleeping and then you won't have any trouble telling me anything."</p><p>Sangyeon held his hands over his eyes, though he kept peeking at Jaehyun through his parted fingers. The dense cold evaporated to a whisper of pressure whenever Sangyeon thought up some way of possibly coaxing a laugh out of Jaehyun. The beginnings of a smile told Sangyeon his attempt was worth it, that every attempt was worth it. </p><p>"I love you," Jaehyun laughed. The sound stopped as immediately as it started and his face stiffened before Sangyeon had the chance to properly close his eyes and get himself ready to hear the secret. Jaehyun's hand came to his mouth, delicate fingers touching his lips cautiously as though uncertain of the taste on them. </p><p>"I love you too, Jaehyun," Sangyeon assured him, "You can tell me anything at all."</p><p>Jaehyun shook his head. "You don't get it. I said it by accident and you don't get it. That's fine, because I wasn't expecting—" </p><p>"What don't I get?" </p><p>Jaehyun stopped talking and pressed his lips together. Condensation puffed out of his nose before he spoke. "I know that you're not trying to make fun of me now but it still feels like you are. Feeling that way is my own problem — this whole thing is my own problem, really, and I am sorry that I am getting you involved like this — but I can't help it. I love you, Sangyeon."</p><p>That was it. </p><p>That was the thing Jaehyun wanted to tell him. He loved Sangyeon. </p><p>Jaehyun looked almost terrified in his shame for his words, and he was right to claim Sangyeon didn't get it because Sangyeon didn't understand at all. </p><p>"You love me?" </p><p>"Please don't cry," Jaehyun said, just as defeated as before. "I said I was sorry."</p><p>Was Sangyeon crying? This was why his parents didn't trust him. He had never learnt to hold his tears the way his sister had but situations like this were too strange and confusing that Sangyeon couldn't imagine the sort of person cold enough not to care. He couldn't look at Jaehyun, his fingers still aching with cold found warmth in their new home clenching around Jaehyun's emerald lapels. </p><p>"Why are you sorry? Are you taking it back? Do you suddenly not love me anymore?" </p><p>"Sangyeon…" </p><p>Jaehyun's voice sounded small, lost to the peace of winter, dulled beyond the reaches of the false friendships fostered in the light of inordinate wealth. </p><p>Sangyeon sniffed, his face heating up too quickly. The oxygen drawing out of his chest in guttering half-sobs wasn't quite the veil he needed to save his dignity. He needed this. He needed Jaehyun. He needed to know that there was some hope for him after all, as useless as he was. Sangyeon was nothing if not hopelessly clinging to the words he'd heard a moment ago. </p><p>"I didn't suddenly stop loving you," Jaehyun said, voice shivering in the air before making it to Sangyeon’s ears. He pressed closer but he wasn't offering warmth, rather the tremors of his own body as he curled his arms around Sangyeon loosely. "I don't want you to think that I don't want to be your friend. If that's all you want then I can be happy with being your friend. It just feels like you must think I had these ulterior motives and I didn't. It was an accident. I want to be your friend too. I just ended up loving you this way as well. I'm sorry."</p><p>Tentatively, Sangyeon eased himself into the comfort of the embrace. The two of them had hugged many times before, rested against each other and held each other because it was nice being close. It was never as cautious and careful as this and Sangyeon didn't want this, but he was the one turning fragile and crying pathetically after words which passed between people a million times each second. </p><p>"Why do you keep apologising?" Sangyeon asked against Jaehyun's shoulder, jaw too tight for his words to come out smoothly. "I love you. Not just in the friend way. Never just in the friend way. I'm not sorry. I want you. That's not bad, is it?"</p><p>Jaehyun sagged against Sangyeon, pressing him against the wall as relief billowed out of him. The pressure of being trapped like this and squeezed by Jaehyun's arms felt like security, like he should be happy. </p><p>"Are you sure?" Jaehyun asked. "I'm your friend's little brother."</p><p>"<em>You're</em> my friend," Sangyeon corrected. "You're my best friend. There isn't anyone in this world who I love the way I love you."</p><p>"You love me," Jaehyun mused. Sangyeon nodded quickly, burrowing into the very real warmth of his friend. "I do love you. You always say such nice things about me. How could I not love you?" </p><p>"You're making fun of me again," Jaehyun sighed. His words were wistful and his thumb dragged along the nape of Sangyeon’s neck. He was wrong. </p><p>"I'm not making fun of you, Jaehyun. I can't," Sangyeon admitted. The warmth of his own wavering exhale reflected back at his face from Jaehyun's chest. Hunched over like this, pathetic and small, the contact was nothing new. Still, having a piece of Jaehyun crystallised in the frigid vacuum of the night, Sangyeon realised this was everything they shouldn't have. The most microscopic facet of happiness. </p><p>All the things Sangyeon’s parents provided before sneers never mattered. They were right. Sangyeon was ungrateful. Why would he care about anything else after knowing even, for a single second, what it felt like to hear 'I love you' from Jaehyun? </p><p>There was no chance Sangyeon wanted to make fun of Jaehyun. He played around with the possibility of his idle fantasies drifting into reality, toyed with Jaehyun's hands and watched how perfectly their fingers slotted together, but not once had he made fun of Jaehyun. </p><p>"You truly are the only person who makes me happy," Sangyeon said. "I wouldn't tell you that I loved you without meaning it. I can't make fun of you when you're everything I have ever wanted."</p><p>Jaehyun squeezed Sangyeon tighter, wordless. It was his fault. The semi-precious beads leaking from Sangyeon’s eyes, the slow realisation that nobody else looked at him the same way, the frustration gnawing at Sangyeon’s guts until he could no longer ignore the fact he was so much more immature than a friend who could let the world witness the rejection of his feelings.</p><p>Jaehyun was everything. He was brave. Beautiful in all the ways there were to be beautiful. Every part of him was a gift of the sublime. </p><p>Comparatively dull, stupid and useless, Sangyeon couldn't start a fire but he could pray his fragility looked like honesty. He wasn't making fun of Jaehyun. He ached too strongly to bother making light of another's feelings. </p><p>"Please, tell me that you can be mine to love."</p><p>Jaehyun drew back, the winter wound its way between them as Sangyeon withstood the scrutiny of a cautious stare. "Always," he said, gentle. He pulled Sangyeon in closer, rough in his haste before glee leaked out of his mouth and his laugh clattered through the frozen panes of the air. "You're asking me to be your boyfriend, right? You found me someone like you said you would."</p><p>Sangyeon breathed in, the splinters of frigid inhales pricking the inside of his chest and melting against the proximity of Jaehyun. </p><p>"If you want to be my boyfriend I am asking. Please say yes. You kind of owe me seeing as you made me cry."</p><p>It was more than that. Sangyeon had shed tears and spilled too many of his feelings between them. He wanted to cry harder now, unsure of the soaring happiness whipped from Jaehyun's lips by the wind. Sangyeon was certain he'd have to watch Jaehyun fall for someone who could take a hint as clumsy as a field of flames. His own hints had been so clumsy and ineffective that Jaehyun was afraid of voicing his own thoughts. They had that in common. Sangyeon hadn't realised feelings could be reciprocate even half as well as this. </p><p>Jaehyun laughed again, sapping away his warmth as he drew away to frown at Sangyeon’s face, eyes following a downwards path. And then he tugged at his blazer and tried to get a better view of his shoulder. "For goodness sake, Sangyeon, you've got snot all over me."</p><p>"You're wearing green anyway, who is going to notice?" </p><p>Incredulity froze on Jaehyun's face before he sighed, surrender, and searched his pockets for a handkerchief to wipe his shoulder and Sangyeon’s face. "You're insufferable."</p><p>"You said you loved me," Sangyeon pointed out. It wasn't something he heard much from anyone. In fact he couldn't remember being told he was loved even once over the years. He knew he hadn't done anything to deserve hearing that, yet he hadn't done anything to deserve hearing the same words from Jaehyun either. </p><p>"I do," Jaehyun said. </p><p>"I'm not nice," Sangyeon said. "Why do you like me?" </p><p>"Love you?" Jaehyun asked as he wiped at Sangyeon’s nose carefully. "I don't know. There are lots of reasons. I just do. Don't make me embarrass myself when I am already covered in your snot."</p><p>"I'm the one who is crying. What is more embarrassing than that?" </p><p>"It's not embarrassing. That's why I love you," Jaehyun said. "I think I said it too many times. It sounds weird. I didn't think I would manage to actually tell you. Or that you would say it back. Sorry. Coming outside for this was stupid. You're cold. Let's go inside."</p><p>Jaehyun was saying a lot. He was strange. He said he loved Sangyeon. And then he said they had to go inside. For a moment, Sangyeon wondered whether the warmth found indoors would thaw away the dead cold which made all of this seem real. What if they went inside and things weren't different at all? What if Jaehyun didn't love him? </p><p>The chance to dawdle melted away with the grip of Jaehyun’s hand leading him back inside the glow of gold. He smiled. Things were different. Jaehyun loved Sangyeon. It was real enough for now. </p><p>That was all very good until Sangyeon noticed the look Chaekyung gave him. </p><p>Sangyeon’s reflection in the toilet mirror was a mess. Jaehyun did a terrible job of cleaning him up and the water from the taps was too hot and too cold. It was a wonder his mother hadn't barged in here to berate him for showing her up. </p><p>Sangyeon stared at himself and was on the verge of laughing. He looked disgusting. He even looked like this and Jaehyun said he loved him. </p><p>There wasn't a single thing Sangyeon had done that was worth attention or praise or love but Jaehyun was still smiling at him in the mirror, soft and gentle and the sort of warmth that had always been in his eyes. </p><p>"I love you," Sangyeon said. He wiped his face as best he could and turned to face Jaehyun. This had to be real. He couldn't think of anything beyond the fact that he loved Jaehyun for a stupid amount of time. And Jaehyun loved him back. </p><p>"Can you kiss me, Jaehyun?" </p><p>Jaehyun nodded and stepped closer and closer and closer. His hands trembled as he reached for Sangyeon’s face. Sangyeon was shaking too. It wasn't from the cold. He had thawed out enough to know it wasn't from the cold. </p><p>The kiss was light and soft and it felt too much. </p><p>It was perfect.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Excoriation and Tedium — June 2014</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Suhyun is bored</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Suhyun was bored. Everything was boring. She did the same things day in, day out. School, dinner parties, shopping, new restaurants, spending time with her friends and people who thought they were friends, spending time with her family, playing games, looking after her cat, studying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were a lot of things she did over and over. Regardless of the repetition there was variety. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps calling this boredom wasn't right. Dissatisfaction was closer to the feeling. Suhyun could have almost anything she wanted but that only meant that the things she had didn't matter as much as the things which existed beyond her reach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Haein should have been beyond everyone's reach, that was why Suhyun never minded how hopeless her affections were. She was happy as Haein's friend. Even that much seemed like more than she deserved and it never mattered because it was as much as anyone else was going to get. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Coming back to Korea for school was all because of Haein. She could have remained in Zurich for school because she liked it when her family were based there but coming back with her parents seemed like the better option when it meant she could be closer to Haein, yet distance wasn't the obstacle here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun chewed at her thumbnail as she strolled on her way to the school tuckshop. Boredom was the issue but only because dissatisfaction dulled the taste of any excitement in life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The queue at the tuckshop was long. That was even more boring. Before Suhyun gave up and decided to lie to Chaekyung about everything being sold out she spotted someone useful. Juyeon was friends with Jaehyun and he did everything Sangyeon asked so there were twice as many reasons for Juyeon to do her some favours. She greeted him loudly, inwardly thinking that the reflexive smile in response was adorable, and shoved her way into the line. Juyeon smiled down at Suhyun expectantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you want anything, I can get it for you," Juyeon offered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wow. Sangyeon really has you well trained. Don't you feel like you're missing out on time with your friends if you're always running errands like this?" Suhyun asked. Juyeon's expression tightened and he looked away momentarily before he turned a carefully polite smile in Suhyun's general direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think I have any friends who want me around. Sangyeon and Jaehyun certainly don't."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was awfully honest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun couldn't help the smile stretching across her face. She wasn't happy hearing about Sangyeon and her younger brother, but she was glad to know she wasn't the only one sick of them rubbing their stupid happiness in people's faces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Realistically, Sangyeon and Jaehyun were trying their hardest to keep a secret between themselves but they weren't the most subtle of people. There were too many times when she went to retrieve Sogeum from Jaehyun's bedroom only to walk in on broken kisses or cringe-worthy declarations of love. They were sickening. It wasn't fair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun didn't see what was so different between her and Sangyeon. Or even the difference between her and Jaehyun. But she supposed she was looking at things the wrong way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There wasn't anything incredibly special about Sangyeon, and the same was true of Jaehyun too. They were just two very ordinary people. Suhyun was ordinary too. If Suhyun had fallen for someone equally as ordinary, perhaps she could have seen herself into a happy ending too. As things were, she was stuck watching the object of her affections parade happily around with a man who couldn't ev</span>
  <span>en be considered ordinary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If there was something Suhyun knew, it was that misery loved company. She patted Juyeon on the arm. "You'll get your guy one day."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon shook his head. "I'm happy like this." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No you're not," Suhyun said. "Stand up for yourself once in a while. Tell Sangyeon to shove it up his arse."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon chuckled stiffly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What am I telling him to… shove…?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anything you want! He needs to know that he can't just boss you around all the time!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon ducked his head bashfully. Suhyun waited a moment, wondering what on earth Juyeon could have to smile about when it was so certain that he wasn't going to take her up on her offer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He can boss me around. He spends a lot of money on me. Shouldn't I do something to repay him?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun narrowed her eyes. There was something about Juyeon which was strange in ways she couldn't quite work out. No matter what Sangyeon apparently did for Juyeon it couldn't possibly have been worth the humiliation of being stepped all over. Perhaps some people just didn't have any self-respect. Suhyun couldn't have put up with the constant need to do as someone like Sangyeon said. Performing stupid little tasks daily, determined to prove some level of loyalty which didn't particularly matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sangyeon bought shoes for Juyeon and paid for his lunches. Footwear and a full stomach weren't worth it, that was certain. Suhyun would have demanded more from someone who treated her as property. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They reached the front of the queue and Suhyun decided to almost be nice to Juyeon for once. She paid before he could reach for his pockets and led the way back towards the third year classrooms. The only reason she was leading the way was that Juyeon was dawdling. Suhyun finished packing her pockets with treats and turned to see Juyeon's frown. She reached her arm up, quietly amused by Juyeon scrunching his eyes closed without flinching away from her hand, and pressed her thumb firmly to the furrow between his brows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's the matter?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't have enough change to pay you back," Juyeon said. It didn't matter. It wasn't Juyeon's money anyway. Money wasn't what she wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can you help me with something? Let me borrow you and we'll be even."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon nodded. "Whatever you want, Suhyun." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The eagerness was cute. Seeing someone so determined to do as they were told was pleasant though it left Suhyun wondering why Juyeon was like this at all. Juyeon was his own person with his own life and his own existence. He wasn't at a school like this to be a bread shuttle. He was here because if he did well enough he could get himself into a good university and set himself up for a better life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His priorities weren't in the right order at all, though it wasn't up to Suhyun to change that for him. She smiled, feeling only a little bit mean as she considered her request. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Chaekyung has a lot of admirers. She's really pretty, right?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She is," Juyeon agreed. "Once she asked me to help her with some of her love letters." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun paused. Juyeon stopped walking and tilted his head curiously at her as though he wasn't the one to say something interesting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You've seen her love letters?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes. She wanted me to help her to match some letters to her birthday presents last year. Her admirer bought her a bottle of her signature perfume. She wasn't very impressed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun remembered the foul mood which had taken Chaekyung over last year. Suhyun was bracing herself for a repeat of that this year, though she realised she'd heard fewer complaints from Chaekyung about the burden of being adored recently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun snapped her fingers. "That stupid White Day nonsense worked?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you mean?" Juyeon asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sangyeon was going on and on about how funny it would be if Chaekyung gave you something on White Day and scared away all her weird admirers," Suhyun explained. She grasped Juyeon's bicep and dragged him along with her past an annoying kid in her year who was captain of some sports team or other. She was busy with Juyeon. "What was it, a stupid piece of string and people believe that she likes you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The ribbon from the chocolates I gave her on Valentines day," Juyeon agreed. "I still have that at home, but actually the present Sangyeon told her to give me was a kiss."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon jolted into Suhyun's back with a soft '</span>
  <em>
    <span>oof',</span>
  </em>
  <span> though he was quick to scramble to the floor to retrieve the dropped packets of snacks from their collision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Chaekyung kissed you?" Suhyun asked. She wondered how she sounded, whether she sounded angry, whether she sounded jealous. Innocent as anything, Juyeon glanced up with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"On my cheek. Sangyeon made fun of us and said it wasn't a real one but Chaekyung said it was more than she had ever given him and he started sulking about it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun felt like sulking too. For all her bleating about hating men, the fact that she kissed Juyeon was disappointing. Even if it was just a peck on his cheek it was more than she had given Suhyun too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She kissed you with her actual mouth?" Suhyun pressed. "She didn't just touch you with her chin? Or maybe you're misremembering. Did she say that you could kiss her on the cheek?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon shook his head, eyes glazing with something too close to realisation. Suhyun wracked her brain but she couldn't remember where she could have been when this happened. It didn't make sense and it wasn't even fair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, Suhyun."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What for?" Suhyun asked. She wasn't someone who got jealous or irritated. She was just silly. She was full of frivolity and nothing mattered. That was why she was bored all the time. Nothing was important enough to stir up a reaction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry about Chaekyung kissing me," Juyeon offered. He rose to stand up straight. He handed over a pack of gummy sweets as though that made them even. It didn't make them even. They didn't need to find leverage because Suhyun quite liked Juyeon anyway. That didn't mean he was free from the facts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's fine. Chaekyung kissed you — not that it matters much to me — and Jaehyun is kissing Sangyeon. Those are just things we have to live with." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There it was. Just the slightest acknowledgement of an itchy little bite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That doesn't matter to me either," Juyeon said. It was neither as coy nor as gentle as the way he usually seemed. His stare was steady as he stood in front of Suhyun and his jaw clenched for just a moment. Suhyun wondered how much of it was an act, whether someone like Juyeon (tall, strong, smart) could really be so happy prostrating himself before Sangyeon at every moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without even knowing anything about the Palam Lees and what they did to people, Juyeon must have been able to sense something unsavoury about Sangyeon. Being so eager to please him with little reward was an odd devotion. Unless of course Juyeon could turn away from seeing the less palatable parts of Sangyeon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh. I thought it was Jaehyun all this time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon looked away. Suhyun grinned. She still couldn't tell what was real and what was an act. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally. Someone was interesting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She reached up to pinch Juyeon's cheek and he let her; gaze softened to the guileless uncertainty that looked far more familiar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're kind of cute, you know." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not cute enough," Juyeon shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You and my brother are just cute in different ways, that's all," Suhyun said. If she was honest there was something about Juyeon which made him cuter, if a little unsettling. She liked it. He reminded her of Sogeum despite her cat being far less agreeable than Juyeon claimed to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon pinched one of Suhyun's cheeks, his fingers gently cautious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're cute too, then."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can see why Chaekyung would kiss someone like you," Suhyun decided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She was told to," Juyeon reasoned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That wasn't it. Chaekyung wouldn't kiss someone just because she was told to. Especially not if the person asking was Sangyeon. Suhyun didn't bother verbally refuting the words. She didn't want it to go to his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're being too cute now," Suhyun said, shaking her face to loosen Juyeon's grip on her cheek. "Will you help me? I want to talk to her admirers. At least the really creepy one who sent a million love letters." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon nodded. Suhyun reached up to pinch his other cheek and that was when he decided to talk, words distorted by his stretched mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can help. I know who it is."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You do?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do," Juyeon nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good boy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon's eyes closed into quiet crescents as Suhyun released his face and reached up to pat his head. Smiles like these were nice. Juyeon was a bit too cute if Suhyun was honest, though she was glad of how useful he had turned out to be. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chaekyung was irritatingly passive. Suhyun knew this all along but that didn't mean the fact couldn't annoy her to no end. Maybe Suhyun wanted to be kissed too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Access to Chaekyung's full lips, the tantalising skin of her slender neck, the smooth ridges of her collar bones, and the sweet expanse of her chest was a privilege. Suhyun couldn't deny how lucky she was to get to kiss all over Chaekyung, but the fact she simply lay motionless on the bed was frustrating. As usual, Chaekyung only whirled into motion when Suhyun's hands ventured too far. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stop," Chaekyung muttered whilst pushing Suhyun up. Suhyun sat back on her heels and watched redundantly as Chaekyung began to fasten the buttons on her school shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the same as always. Suhyun was bored of this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am giving up on girls," She said. Chaekyung glanced up at her, bemused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn't realise you had tried anything with girls." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're a girl," Suhyun pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You haven't done anything to me," Chaekyung said wryly. Her shirt buttons were all fastened once more and Suhyun handed over the necktie she had discarded earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun would argue that she had done lots to Chaekyung. She wasn't about to plead her case over something so pointless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Where's my girlfriend?" Suhyun asked. "Jaehyun has been gay for five minutes and he has a boyfriend. What am I doing wrong?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have met your brother, Suhyun. Whatever he has going on has been for longer than five minutes."</span>
</p><p><span>"If you say so. My point is I have to put up with them </span><em><span>way </span></em><span>more</span> <span>than you realise. You pretend to be my brother. I'll be Sangyeon."</span></p><p>
  <span>Chaekyung narrowed her eyes. "I can see where this is going."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun very much doubted that as she straddled Chaekyung's lap and tilted her chin up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>'My life belongs to you. I am thankful for every breath which grants me this life with you, and I will devote every part of my existence to serving you and making you happy.'</em> Now imagine me running in to fetch Sogeum and throwing up in the corner."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chaekyung snorted and flopped back on the bed. "You shouldn't lose hope, Suhyun, you can find a girl."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Where am I supposed to find a girl? Have you found any?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chaekyung wriggled free, huffing and pulling a face. "I'm not looking for a girl." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I meant for me," Suhyun supplied quietly. "I'm not saying anything about you, Chaekyung, you don't need to leave. We can watch a movie or something. You can stay." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I should get going," Chaekyung countered. She was already searching for her phone. She was about to leave just as she always did. Suhyun gave up. Chaekyung could do what she wanted. It was fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second Chaekyung was out of the door, Suhyun called Haein. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Chubs, what's up?" Haein asked breathlessly. She muttered something to someone on her end of the line and missed Suhyun's protest to the stupid nickname. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just wanted to talk," Suhyun said. "I'm just feeling a bit neglected lately."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm so sorry to hear that, Hun. Things have been a bit hectic, especially now that I am sorting out my business proposal to pitch my property development, but I can try to make some time for you today. Maybe around nine? I know it's a school night but I think if you make an excuse you can skip out on hagwon."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As much as Suhyun loved Haein, her friend really lived in the clouds. Or perhaps Haein never paid attention in the first place. Suhyun never attended a hagwon. Even last year and the year before, any tutoring sessions took place at home to account for Sohee and Chaekyung dropping around. Sangyeon would often tag along and bring Sejeong (and whilst they were dating earlier last year, Minkyeung too). It seemed Haein was thinking of someone else. Suhyun didn't mind it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not tonight," Suhyun said. "I have homework. Let me know when you have time for me. It would be nice to catch up before your birthday."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Haein made all sorts of promises as she thanked Suhyun for being such a great friend. Already, Suhyun knew she was a great friend. She did a lot to look out for her friends though it seemed she would be waiting a long time for the same courtesy to be extended to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was one friend who Suhyun had who always had time for her. Unfortunately, this friend spent a lot of time in her brother's bedroom. Covering her eyes before even walking the full length of the corridor between her room and Jaehyun's, Suhyun prepared herself and banged her fist on the door. She opened it without waiting for a response, because this was urgent, and wasn't sure what was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Isn't Sangyeon here?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyun glanced over at his empty bed and turned his eyes on Suhyun as he shook his head. He looked back at his computer monitor, surrounded my boxed figurines, where it seemed he was actually doing his own homework. "He said he had some planning to do. You should call him if you need him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't. I came for Sogeum." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," Jaehyun said dully. "He's here." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peering under the desk, Jaehyun managed to coax out Suhyun's grouchy-looking cat. Sogeum slinked towards Suhyun and she scooped him up into her arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sogeum was such a lovely little companion even though he couldn't answer when Suhyun asked what on earth Jaehyun had been doing to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I haven't done anything!" Jaehyun insisted, swivelling around in his chair to frown at Suhyun. "I'm the one who is being torn to ribbons by his stupid claws. Aren't you supposed to get them clipped or something?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe," Suhyun allowed as she dropped kisses all over Sogeum's pretty little head. "I can't paint his nails if they're short."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"When have you ever painted his nails?" Jaehyun asks with a sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just haven't had the time," Suhyun insisted as she meandered ever closer to Jaehyun. "Let me practise on you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. Leave me alone, weirdo."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How about on your toenails?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyun paused like he was really considering the compromise. Suhyun held her breath, knowing full well she had no intention of ever painting Sogeum's claws. Jaehyun shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What if Sangyeon sees?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course. What if Sangyeon sees? That had no relation to anything and Suhyun splutterd. "Are you taking off your socks in front of Sangyeon?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shut up," Jaehyun grumbled, turning back to his computer. The line of his shoulders was stiff with annoyance. It was at times like this that Suhyun had to reconcile the fact that her younger brother was the person exchanging gooey words and saccharine smiles with Sangyeon. He wasn't just some half-anonymous paramour to her friend. He was someone she should have more proactively looked out for. She cleared her throat and tried to organise her thoughts into something a sensible person might formulate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"When you're at his house, do you do stuff? Like… he's not pressuring you to do anything, is he?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyun scoffed. He carried on looking at his computer but he was trying hard to affect a frivolous air. "Of course we do stuff, Suhyun. He's my boyfriend. Why are you so worried?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was lying. Suhyun tilted her head and hefted Sogeum higher in her arms but she still didn't understand. Jaehyun was using his Big Fat Liar voice and everything, though that was likely unintentional. Rather than speaking to Suhyun: his sister, she wondered whether Jaehyun was speaking to Suhyun: Sangyeon’s friend. There was no reason for him to lie about this otherwise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Jaehyun was looking at things from this perspective, Suhyun didn't see the harm in responding from the perspective of Suhyun: Sangyeon’s friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So if you're off letting Sangyeon touch you with his grubby little hands, where does that leave Juyeon?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That got Jaehyun's attention. He leapt out of his seat and pressed his hands against Suhyun's shoulders and walked her backwards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why are you getting upset? I'm just asking a question."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A stupid question," Jaehyun retorted, continuing towards the door. "What does Juyeon have to do with anything?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't know?" Suhyun baited. She already knew that Jaehyun was clueless, though seeing his confused pause as he tilted his head was worth acting coy. Before Jaehyun could open his mouth, Suhyun offered, "He loves Sangyeon. And you're not being the nicest friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyun dropped his arms, forehead wrinkling in concern. "You're lying." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun held Sogeum tighter to her chest. He was squirming, pawing sharply at her forearms. He only had to be a little more patient. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you think so? I am not so sure about that," Suhyun said. "What reason does someone have to be so devoted to a random student."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's because Sangyeon buys him things."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He buys Sejeong things too. She hates him. She doesn't roll over to perform his every desire," she pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jaehyun sighed. "I'm doing my homework, Suhyun. You need to go and get ready. I think we have guests coming over for dinner." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun left Jaehyun's room, glad that someone else was suffering the itching from the bugbites going around. Lounging on her own bed and scratching behind Sogeum's ears, Suhyun wondered when her own bug bites would heal. She buried her face in her pillow, bored, not at all entertained by the notion of guests, and endured the sharpness of claws digging through her school shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I think I might give up on girls," Suhyun announced as she, Sohee and Hyeri were doing their duties as good friends. Searching for Haein and Chaekyung's birthday presents was boring. Suhyun didn't care to work out the intricate riddles indicating what to buy the girls who had everything. If they wanted anything they could get it themselves, and if that wasn't an option they could bat their eyelashes at their parents. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun, a girl with no money, and a child (also with no money) were not the crack team assembled to buy presents beyond Chaekyung and Haein's wildest dreams. She saw the opportunity for what it was and felt quietly satisfied seeing uncertainty in the faces of her companions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyeri, bless her adorable little heart, frowned up at Suhyun from behind her fringe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What is wrong with girls? Why are you giving up?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sohee clicked her tongue and elbowed Suhyun hard enough to send her staggering towards a rack of hideous moustache-embroidered throw pillows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ignore her," Sohee said kindly. "She's just being annoying. She still loves you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay," Hyeri chirped, uncertainty lining the brightness of her tone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I won't give up on you," Suhyun promised. "I am just giving up on finding love. I am swearing off girls. I love men now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sohee snorted and wandered over to a little chaise longue in emerald velvet. She sat down heavily and beckoned Hyeri and Suhyun over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, so it is opposite day. I love my demos getting rejected by A&amp;R at record labels. Am I doing it right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun pinched Sohee's side and laughed as she jolted into Hyeri's side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you get dumped by your girlfriend?" Hyeri asked cautiously. Sohee made a noise which sounded suspiciously like a laugh but her face was neutral by the time Suhyun narrowed her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn't," Suhyun said as she slumped backwards on the firm chaise longue. "But only because I never had a girlfriend. Girls just don't like me. So I am giving up. I will become an old maid starting now." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're so young though," Hyeri giggled. "You can be a young maid instead." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A young maid. Fine. Suhyun could accept her future if she had to live it out now. She closed her eyes and wondered exactly how far into the future she should imagine. She could settle into her grave right now. She had no hope anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're more important than whether you're single or not," Sohee said with a sigh. "Why don't you just focus on yourself? You don't need to be part of a couple. You are special the way you are." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's very sweet of you to offer me life-coaching," Suhyun said. "Should we get some food?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sohee agreed easily. Eating was fun and easy. There were no problems when Suhyun had good food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every time Suhyun came to this particular restaurant she found she forgot the name. She supposed that the main issue was that her visits tended to coincide with the shift of a young waitress with wavy brown hair. This sort of restaurant operated on invitations or, in this case, a hasty scramble to find seats for customers like Suhyun and her friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The waitress Suhyun considered her favourite was tasked with stalling whilst her colleagues tried to shuffle around some space which didn't exist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's good to see you again, Suhyun," the waitress said. Her name was Nayoung and her hair was long, brown, gorgeous enough that Suhyun's fingers ached as she curled them into fists to restrain the urge to comb through her hair. Nayoung's voice had a bit of a rasp, a bit of a nasal tone, and Suhyun was always disappointed the rare occasions when she came here and never got to hear her voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Have you been up to much lately?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Aside from my heart aching each day I don't get to see your face?" Nayoung asked, "Not really, no."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sohee made a sound, elbowing Hyeri whilst snickering, and Suhyun already knew what was going to come later but it wasn't the sort of thing to raise hopes for. Nayoung was just friendly. Beautiful and friendly. And that's it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayoung kept being friendly until one of her colleagues signaled that a table was ready. They managed to set up a table on the balcony which looked like it had always been there. Perhaps it had been and they shooed away existing diners for the sake of someone with enough familial wealth to buy them. A trickle of cruelty compounded that thought for Suhyun. She was rich enough to buy off Nayoung; pay her to pretend that any genuine affection exists. They could go on dates and Nayoung could be standing at Suhyun's side, a gorgeous armpiece to complement any outfit at any event. Of course Nayoung had much more to her than that, but it would appear more as a wicked sense of humour which matched Suhyun well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nayoung's little errand ended. She passed out menus and said she would be back with water for the table and she was back to work. There was nothing special between them. Suhyun wasn't delusional enough to genuinely confuse customer service for kindness. She was too acutely aware of the ways she was a nuisance to the people who had a choice in the matter of her presence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So this is what it means to give up on girls," Hyeri noted over the top of her menu with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sohee laughed, squeaky and husky as she slapped Hyeri's arm lightly. "I'm glad you said something. Nobody can get mad at you when your face is this cute." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can," Suhyun lies. "I am furious with you, Hyeri!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl just giggled. She was adorable. Suhyun could scream. But she won't because she was in public and part of her was still betting against reality. If she screamed aloud she would look too strange for someone like Nayoung to pay her any of the good attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If she wasn't getting the specific type of attention she craved from the woman she had been drawn to for years, nor from Chaekyung who made a terrible substitute at the best of times, she wasn't about to disperse all her stupid daydreams about Nayoung by screaming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you give up on girls, does that mean you'll stay alone for the rest of your life? That's too sad," Hyeri said, far too earnest for Suhyun's liking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not sad. Sohee is chronically single. Make fun of her!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But Sohee isn't going around announcing that she's giving up on girls and then flirting outrageously with one in front of my innocent little eyes!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun began to reconsider Hyeri. This girl's timing was horrible, either unintentionally or by misfortune. She was cute enough that almost anything could be forgiven, though Suhyun wasn't sure how long it would take to forgive seeing the amusement in Nayoung's face as she placed down a crystal jug of water and three heavy glasses. Suhyun smiled blandly and Nayoung avoided her eyes at the start of a laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three of them remained quiet aside from placing their orders. Once Nayoung was gone they could breathe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Girls already gave up on me,  didn't they?" Suhyun groaned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"They did," Sohee confirmed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's too mean," Hyeri said and laughed aloud. Wonderful. It was too mean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're young," Sohee said. "Focus on your studies. Have fun with Chaekyung and your other friends. Everything will fall into place." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun really didn't think so but she hadn't any alternatives. She was stuck on the Chaekyung thing though. She had fun with Chaekyung though there was always room for more fun. A friend who reciprocated, a friend who recognised her and appreciated her for what she was, something that could flourish into love. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chaekyung was simply fun. A replacement for a similar friend who never entertained Suhyun's affection. Beautiful, graceful, aloof, Chaekyung had a lot of the qualities Haein did though she lacked the same sense of command. People were still drawn to Chaekyung. She was adored. Unlike Haein, Chaekyung hated the attention and she hated everyone who dared lavish her with this attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun was allowed to give Chaekyung the attention in the centre of her mind, though she suspected she was becoming someone who Chaekyung hated. Perhaps they would fall out properly one day. Suhyun had to prepare herself for that, though she wondered whether they would split and force their friends to choose which of them they would stick with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It might have been pettiness from this thought which led to Suhyun's idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We should give up on looking for a present for Haein and Chaekyung."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you too sad?" Hyeri asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No way," Suhyun laughed. "We're not going to find anything they want. We should all just go on a trip together. This Summer we can have a nice girls' trip, have some fun, make some memories. What do you think?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sohee nodded. "That sounds nice aside from the cost." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't be silly. I'll pay for the whole thing. You're my best friends." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright," Sohee allowed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyeri laughed and glanced between Sohee and Suhyun. "It's that easy?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course it is that easy," Suhyun scoffed. "Don't worry about anything. I can buy whatever you want, you know. We'll have fun. You can come, right?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll have to ask my parents," Hyeri said, to Sohee more than anyone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you mean?" Suhyun asked. She didn't have a clue what Hyeri was on about. This might have been how the others felt listening to Suhyun complain about girls. The context was missing. In fact Suhyun didn't even know Hyeri </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> parents. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My parents would want to know where I am going. I haven't gone on trips without family before. They might let me come if Seokhee—" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Suhyun interrupted. "Your brother isn't coming. Tell your parents you are coming. You'll have a good time. They have to let you come without your st- without your brother."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyeri hesitated but she nodded. Thank goodness. She was going to try. She had to succeed. Suhyun needed something to break down her boredom. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suhyun met Chaekyung's admirer in a practice room in the performing arts wing of Muhan Academy. The most notable part of the meeting is that it was facilitated by Juyeon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chaekyung's admirer wasn't particularly impressive. She was just another girl. Her fingers faltered on the keyboard and the tinkling of ivory died with discord. The girl licked her lips as she peered over the open lid of the grand piano at Suhyun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bow tied at the girl's collar was green. She was a second year, just like Juyeon. Apparently her name was Gyeongwon and she played the piano. The list of things Suhyun knew about this girl ended there. Of course that list was inclusive of the crush on Chaekyung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gyeongwon had liked Chaekyung enough to send love letter after love letter. That was important. That was why Suhyun was here at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can I help you?" Gyeongwon asked. The waver in her voice was pronounced. She was too timid. Suhyun had been hoping for something different from a girl bold enough to enscribe her emotions and seal them up especially for Chaekyung's eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Prior to meeting, Suhyun was curious. She wanted to see whether they were different. Two girls enchanted by someone who wouldn't want them. They were perhaps only remarkable in their affections. That appeared to be the extent of Gyeongwon's interesting traits. Her bobbed hair obscured much of her face though even the dead ends of her hair trembled as she stared at Suhyun expectantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This girl couldn't help Suhyun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just like to play between lessons," Gyeongwon says. She licked her lips, dry, and almost raised her eye line above Suhyun's rolled-up sleeves as she asked, "Do you play an instrument, Suhyun?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This girl knew Suhyun's name. It must be a strange thing to be concerned about. If Suhyun was a distant admirer, she supposed she would make it her business to know the peers of her goddess. That must have been the case here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gyeongwon hesitated, her breath trapped in her chest as she licked her lips. Eventually she gave up. "Why did you come to a music room if you don't play an instrument? Did you want to learn?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun couldn't help but laugh. She could learn music from any number of musical virtuosos so choosing to happen upon a fellow student for a teacher. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I came to see you, actually," Suhyun said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Honestly, it was because I was curious about Chaekyung's secret admirer. Or one of them." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gyeongwon glanced down to her hands in her lap. "I don't know what you're talking about." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suhyun stepped further into the room. Gyeongwon's shoulders stiffened though Suhyun wasn't put off by that as she sat on the piano bench beside her. Up close, Gyeongwon had an interesting face. She was pretty in the way girls like them tended to be. Not quite as pretty as girls like Chaekyung, of course. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you stop sending letters to Chaekyung?" Suhyun asked. Gyeongwon remained quiet. Suhyun lifted her fingertip to draw a line along Gyeongwon's jaw. Her lips parted and a stutter of a sigh gusted between them. "Juyeon told me it was you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why would you believe him?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Juyeon is a good boy," Suhyun said. "I don't think anyone could say the same about you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gyeongwon lifted her gaze. The intensity in her eyes was interesting. She had never looked like this before. She wasn't so grey and meek here. She looked like a main character here: a person with a story, a person with answers. The death of dissatisfaction. Interesting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you really love her?" Suhyun asked. "A lot of people think Chaekyung is pretty. They fancy her without knowing anything about her. Did you love her?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gyeongwon nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though she said she loved Chaekyung, she wasn't a person who knew her. She loved a version of Chaekyung who lived in her head and was selfish enough to send her own thoughts to a parasocial paramour. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you love her now?" Suhyun asked. Gyeongwon leaned back, freed her face from Suhyun's light grasp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. There's no point." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a fair response. It made sense. "How did you stop?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't a difficult question. Suhyun kicked her heels and accidentally knocked into the piano peddles. She flinched and glanced back to Gyeongwon. Gloom had sharpened into apprehension. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How did you stop loving Chaekyung?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was too much to ask for advice on how to stop loving Haein. That was impossible. Suhyun could accept she was stuck in love with Haein. Only Haein herself could free a person of that particular shackle. For Chaekyung, a person who hated all sorts of attention and admiration, would have easier locks to pick. Even someone like Gyeongwon had the potential to free Suhyun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only, Gyeongwon didn't want to be useful. She didn't want to be a main character. She didn't want to disrupt the boredom permeating Suhyun's life. She said, "I don't know. I just stopped."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Give up, was her answer.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hmm even though i am my own biggest fan, even now i find it hard to motivate myself. the chapter i am writing now is really fun but i take everything personally so i am upset about all the people who pretended they were going to read this fic. should i delete their comments from chapter 1? i think white lies are the worst so people saying things insincerely really upsets me lmao. i think that is why i appreciate silent readers too. you already don't exist to me so when you inevitability stop reading this or any of my other works, you have never indicated that you are interested in the first place. as much as i would like to hope that there are people interested in this story and what happens next, nobody is as invested as i am. so i suppose you shouldn't give me a reason to hope anyone cares because ultimately you don't and that's okay. only i need to care about this.</p><p>this isn't ever going to make an impact on anyone else but it has made an impact on me. it reminded me that i do love writing. it made me consider why i am choosing to stop writing fic when this one has found its end. i feel more resolute now. i know nothing i create will be good enough to touch someone else but writing makes me dream that one day i will be.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. One Should Never Fall — October 2014</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>October ends. Juyeon experiences Halloween.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Last year, Juyeon didn't go to the Halloween ball. He didn't care much anyway because it wasn't as though he had anyone to go with and he had responsibilities at home. He probably spent the evening playing baduk with his dad whilst the television played until it was time for his mum to come home and they all watched The Heirs together. </p><p>The drama was an exciting reimagining of school life, though Juyeon knew his parents didn't love it very much. Juyeon needed to watch it because Sangyeon was watching it and he needed to know the context to the frequent references which came up in conversation. </p><p>This year, Juyeon was being invited. Or that was what it sounded like. </p><p>"Do you have a costume for the Halloween ball?" </p><p>Juyeon looked up from untangling Sangyeon’s earphones. He recognised the voice before looking up but he was surprised to actually be faced with the person he thought it was. </p><p>Choi Chanhee was a First-year at Muhan Academy. He was the heir to something to do with clothes. Sangyeon had told him exactly what Chanhee was the heir to when asked. In fact, Juyeon was surprised by the amount of information that Sangyeon gave out about Chanhee. It was a lot to remember. Juyeon had done his best but with Chanhee standing above him with his lunch tray, every thought had spilled out of his head. </p><p>"I'm sorry, what?" </p><p>Chanhee shrank back and his expression shutters. "No, never mind. It's nothing."</p><p>"I was just concentrating," Juyeon said, gesturing with the tangled earphones. "Did you want to sit down? Please?" </p><p>Chanhee sat down with his tray. "Where is your lunch?" </p><p>"Sangyeon wants me to sort this out first." </p><p>Chanhee frowned. "Do you have to do it?" He snatched the tangled wires right from Juyeon's fingers and dashed them onto the floor and ground them beneath his foot. "See. Easy. Go and get your lunch." </p><p>"Why would you do that? Aren't you Sangyeon’s friend?" </p><p>Chanhee shrugged. "It doesn't matter. They're just things. Sangyeon can just buy more if it bothers him so much. Eat something."</p><p>Juyeon wasn't sure if this was allowed. He couldn't stop looking at the earphones on the floor. He didn't have a clue what Sangyeon would do or how he would react. </p><p>"I don't know if I can."</p><p>"Eat my lunch then," Chanhee insisted. He pushed his tray across the table and rested his chin in his hands. </p><p>"We've never spoken before and now you're feeding me," Juyeon pointed out. "You're really nice. Nobody has done that before."</p><p>Juyeon was aware that most people kept their distance from him because Sangyeon had warned them off. In some ways it was good. It had helped get the unkind people off his back but it also kept away the people with nice intentions. </p><p>And then there were people like Chanhee. There wasn't anyone else in that category. Just Chanhee. Not that Juyeon wanted to think too deeply on the reasons for that. </p><p>"That's weird," Chanhee said. "Why wouldn't anyone want to speak to you? Aren't you super smart and on like three sports teams? You should be the most popular guy in school."</p><p>"Only two teams," Juyeon corrected. "Basketball and football. Oh I did swim in the summer, you're right."</p><p>Chanhee laughed. And then it was down to business. "So, the Halloween ball? We could go together. I have a costume worked out and you could too."</p><p>"What were you thinking?" Juyeon asked. </p><p>"Have you ever seen Twilight?" </p><p>"What's that?" </p><p>Chanhee gasped. "You spend all that time with Sangyeon and you've never seen Twilight? That's a crime. We should change that. Do you want to come home with me after school? We can marathon all the movies."</p><p>It sounded like something friends did, going to each other's homes. Not that Juyeon really got to experience that to know for certain. By the time Juyeon supposed he should have been at that stage with Jaehyun, his classmate was already filling every spare second with Sangyeon. Nobody else was anything like a friend. The only home he had actually stepped foot inside was Chaekyung's and that was over a year ago because she needed him to do some work for her. </p><p>Chanhee certainly sounded like he was inviting Juyeon as a friend, though this could also have been an elaborate parcel for a favour. Regardless of the intent, Juyeon had to turn it down. Between his studies, club activities, and home life, he couldn't spare himself to sit and watch a film with a friend. </p><p>"I can't. Sorry. I have a lot to do at home." As vague as he was, it sounded like a poor excuse. Juyeon winced and nudged Chanhee's tray back across the table as an apology. </p><p>"Alright, you're busy. What if I came to your house?" </p><p>"You can't!" </p><p>Chanhee tilted his head, curious. "What do you mean? Why can't I? Are your parents strict?" </p><p>"You wouldn't like me anymore if you came to my house," Juyeon offered. That sounded even worse and Chanhee arched an eyebrow. </p><p>"What sort of person do you think I am?" </p><p>There was no winning a situation like this. The shame Juyeon felt wasn't his own. He knew that calling home 'modest' was generous. It was horrible and, compared to the fancy houses he passed on the way to school each day, it was nothing more than a stinky old cupboard. Whether Chanhee was the type to base friendships on assets or not, Juyeon couldn't help but want to protect his mum's pride. </p><p>She hated the thought of people looking down on them, sneering and curling their lips at poor little Juyeon who lived in a hovel and couldn't afford to attend Muhan Academy. Seeing as nobody bothered with him, Juyeon doubted he would inspire so much vitriol from anyone else but he didn't want to risk the gossip which would find its way back around to grind his mum's bones until she had no choice but to chase forgetfulness in another bottle. </p><p>"Mum says I shouldn't bring friends over. Dad too. He says it too. He can talk."</p><p>Chanhee looked thoughtful. "Nevermind. I will think of something else."</p><p>The subject changed, Chanhee suggesting they do some revision together some time, though Juyeon kept his mouth shut about how they would run into the exact same trouble there. </p><p>In history, Juyeon leaned across the gap between his desk and Jaehyun's to ask, "What's Twilight?" </p><p>"For goodness sake, Juyeon," Jaehyun sighed. "I have to hear enough about this from Sangyeon. Are you going to start on about it too?" </p><p>"I don't know what it is. Chanhee mentioned it at lunchtime and said it was strange that I didn't know what it was. I don't have anyone else to ask. That's all," Juyeon explained. Jaehyun looked sheepish at that and flipped the page in his textbook before he replied. </p><p>"It's just a vampire movie. They sparkle and stuff. It's not really that interesting."</p><p>Juyeon knew about vampires. It would have been cool to go to the Halloween ball with Chanhee dressed up like vampires together. Though he understood why Jaehyun could get so annoyed having to hear about them all the time. </p><p>"Vampires are cool. That must be why Sangyeon keeps biting you, right?" </p><p>Juyeon was quick, thumping Jaehyun on the back until his coughing fit subsided. By the time their classmates had lost interest and gone back to their own work, Jaehyun was flushed fuchsia with watery eyes. </p><p>"What are you talking about?" He asked weakly. </p><p>Juyeon didn't see the harm in demonstrating. He extended his index finger and reached for the smudge just visible above Jaehyun's shirt collar and pressed his fingertip into the mark. </p><p>"Isn't this from biting?" </p><p>"Right," Jaehyun muttered. "Vampire stuff."</p><p>"Does it hurt? The biting?" </p><p>"No," Jaehyun said into the blank page of his exercise book. "It's just playing."</p><p>"Do you bite him too?" </p><p>Jaehyun sat bolt upright. "Let's talk about something else. Anything else."</p><p>Juyeon wasn't stupid. People treated him like he was stupid but he was at this school, unburdened by its exorbitant tuition for the simple fact that he wasn't stupid. Books weren't the only things Juyeon knew about. He understood people too. </p><p>He understood Jaehyun perfectly well. Sangyeon’s carelessness and inconsideration were easier to swallow because Juyeon knew from the start why it never bothered him as much as it should have. He liked Sangyeon more than Sangyeon would ever like him, though he had stupidly believed that Jaehyun respected him enough to see him as an equal. </p><p>When Jaehyun transferred into Muhan Academy three months after the term began he had no friends. There were all sorts of rumours surrounding his appearance in Juyeon's class and his strange abashedness whenever anyone approached him didn't endear him to anyone. Jaehyun didn't have any friends and he didn't know how to make any here. Just like how Sangyeon had tracked Juyeon down and recruited him as a lackey, Jaehyun had hooked himself onto Juyeon's back for startlingly similar reasons. </p><p>Sangyeon could act like he was something special around Juyeon; important, respected. Jaehyun found a way to do the same, pretending he cared one iota about people like Juyeon who didn't have the means to really stand up for themselves. Pretending he cared about the wellbeing of idiots and simpletons who smiled and did as they were told because someone with lots of money and a charming smile said so. </p><p>Juyeon was the simpleton. The defenceless idiot who Jaehyun could claim to stand up for so that he could feel like he was a better person than he was. He didn't see Juyeon as a friend. </p><p>He couldn't possibly have. If Jaehyun thought of Juyeon as a friend he wouldn't have started his routine of ditching Juyeon or sending him off on little errands he made up and fortified with lies about what Sangyeon would want. If Jaehyun thought of Juyeon as a friend he wouldn't make it so obvious that he didn't want him around.</p><p>Another part of Juyeon hated how his feelings were ignored. Perhaps Jaehyun never even noticed; though he wasn't close to many people at Muhan Academy, it was clear that people put their own thoughts and feelings ahead of the people around them. If Jaehyun paid attention he might have noticed the burgeoning affection Juyeon had for his keeper though there was a chance Jaehyun had noticed and ignored it all anyway. </p><p>Fine. </p><p>Juyeon was only worth being ignored. He could handle that. He could be just as stupid as everyone wanted him to be. </p><p>"Jaehyun, I thought we were meant to do the questions on page 38," Juyeon offered with a wide smile. Jaehyun sighed and pulled Juyeon's textbook onto his desk. </p><p>"No, silly, we looked at that chapter last year. We're on page 238. Do you need me to help you with the questions?" </p><p>Juyeon didn't need any help. He had done all the questions in this chapter last year when Sejeong was off sick and Sangyeon needed someone else to do his work for him. Even so, he nodded gratefully as Jaehyun showed him the work he had done so far. </p><p>At the end of the school day, Juyeon decided he didn't need to do everything he was told to do. </p><p>He had basketball practice but he could be a few minutes late considering his playing record and the fact that the captain of the team was a bit afraid of Sangyeon. </p><p>He ran down the stairs to the first-year classrooms, hoping he was fast enough to catch Chanhee before it was too late. Chanhee wasn't in the classroom. Juyeon's heart plummeted to the floor when he realised he wasn't in time. He was powerless even for something like this. </p><p>Stepping away from the doorway with defeat settling into his shoulders, Juyeon headed in the direction of the changing rooms. He didn't have a choice but to do what he always did. The hopes he had pinned on this one thing with Chanhee had to be set aside. The roles were set and Juyeon was stupid to want to be any different.</p><p>Nobody said anything about Juyeon being the last one into the changing room but he wasn't about to give any excuses by being the last one out. He changed into his practice kit and barrelled out of the door on his way to the sports hall. He stopped a few metres away from the large doors to the sports hall. He felt like he was imagining this, desperate misery conjuring up a cautious mirage. </p><p>A step closer. </p><p>Chanhee was still there, one hand clutching at the strap of his backpack and the other waving over at Juyeon. </p><p>"Hi," Juyeon said as he closed the distance between them. Someone patted Juyeon's shoulder as they headed into the sports hall. He felt himself flinch, mostly just confused about why Chanhee was here. "Are you alright?" </p><p>Chanhee nodded. "I'm fine. I just wanted to ask if you had given my offer any thought."</p><p>"Yes. Of course," Juyeon said emphatically. "You're talking about watching Twilight together some time, right?" </p><p>"Yes. And the Halloween Ball," Chanhee added. His knuckles blanched around the strap of his backpack and he rocked back on his heels. "You can decide if you want to do the costume with me afterwards."</p><p>Juyeon wasn't even hoping he would get to go to the Halloween ball. He simply wanted to spend time with a person who looked at him with clear, open eyes and something which looked like choice. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Juyeon got to go to the Halloween Ball. It was as simple as asking. He took a few days to build himself up to the task but all he needed to do was bring Sangyeon his snacks and a completed maths homework assignment and ask whether school events were fun. </p><p>Sangyeon shrugged, glanced at Jaehyun, and said, "Do you think it would be fun?"</p><p>"I think so," Jaehyun had said, equally as nonchalantly. And that was that. They decided to go to the Halloween Ball and Juyeon found the opportunity to ask if he was allowed too whilst they were discussing whether they could gather enough people to book a table with them. </p><p>Juyeon dressed exactly as Chanhee instructed. The character from Twilight he was told to dress as wasn't anyone memorable though there was a chance that was because he hadn't been paying attention properly when he had sat in Chanhee's living room watching the movie. It was an English movie, desaturated and doused in blue and Chanhee pinched his arm to make sure he paid attention to all the best parts. </p><p>The best parts were definitely all the occasions Chanhee leaned in close and told Juyeon to pay attention. Even better than that was the fact that they were sort of going to the Halloween Ball together and Chanhee kept linking their arms together. Standing amongst the streamers, and the smoke machine, the music so loud it was clipping, Juyeon felt like he belonged in the odd little cluster near the table they had booked. </p><p>"I thought you two would have coordinated," Chanhee said as he surveyed Sangyeon and Jaehyun. One was painted green and the other was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. There wasn't anything between them that matched. </p><p>"I thought we would too," Sangyeon said as he gestured at the others around him. </p><p>Juyeon recognised Chaekyung was a Sailor Moon character and Suhyun had gone for the startling choice of Park Eunsuh from <em> Ring </em>. There wasn't any such theme when Juyeon had seen some groups had coordinated like the table where Pororo and friends were seated. </p><p>"I thought you were going to dress as Catwoman or something."</p><p>"Me?" Juyeon asked. </p><p>"That's not even the same franchise," Jaehyun grumbled. Sangyeon grinned and slung his arm across Jaehyun's shoulders proudly. </p><p>"I'm still upset with you, you know," Sangyeon said to Jaehyun. "What if I get hurt? Would Romeo kiss me better?" </p><p>"In what universe would Ironman kiss Hulk better?" Jaehyun asked, sounding like this was the umpteenth time they had a conversation like this. </p><p>"If you'd come as Ironman like I thought you would, it could have been this universe." </p><p>Sangyeon grinned as he pressed his face into Jaehyun's neck. They had been attempting to be subtle about things until now, furtive glances and flimsy excuses, but this was strange. A costume wasn't a brand new identity for either of them. Juyeon wondered whether this meant they realised they were keeping secrets for no reason. </p><p>Nobody really cared whether they spent all their time together like this. Well. Juyeon cared a little bit but he didn't count. </p><p>The two of them were happy. It didn't seem fair but there was nothing Juyeon could do about it. He has to find his own ways to be happy within the restraints of whatever he was allowed. Watching the two of them, Juyeon wondered just when he would feel the extent of his tether. </p><p>"Come on, Jacob, let's go and see what snacks there are," Chanhee said as he pulled Juyeon along, jolting him out of the misery of being a spectator. Every time Chanhee referred to Juyeon by the name of his character, Jaehyun made an irritated sound, grumbled something to Sangyeon. Juyeon wasn't the only one who had noticed. Chanhee handed Juyeon a cup of lemonade at the refreshments table. "He's weird, right? Has Jaehyun fallen out with you?" </p><p>Juyeon shook his head. "We're just the same. Nothing has happened."</p><p>"Do you think he just doesn't like the fact that we talk?" Chanhee asked. His eyes didn't stray towards the subject of his suspicions but something about him looked like he was aware of when eyes were on him. Juyeon glanced across the sports hall which had need decorated with drapery and skeletons and didn't look anything like the place Juyeon spent hours after school practicing. Even though the gloom of the atmospheric lighting, it was clear to see Jaehyun was looking right at Chanhee so that suspicion was right. </p><p>"Maybe," Juyeon shrugged. He hoped that was the case, that someone taking an interest in him was irritating. He hoped the simple fact that someone noticed Juyeon beyond his convenience confused Jaehyun to no end. Even if Juyeon was convenient to Chanhee, someone stupid and soft enough to go along with his costume idea, it didn't quite so much like he was out-staying his welcome. </p><p>Juyeon didn't feel much like he was wearing a costume, just clothes that looked approximately similar to an outfit from a scene in the movie with twining around one of his shins for some reason already forgotten. Chanhee though, goodness, Chanhee was ethereal. Fae masquerading as something as dull as a human. His skin shimmered in the lights swirling above and he had done something to his hair with wax so that it rose into effortlessly tousled shapes. It looked like someone had been running their fingers through his hair, pulling him close to kiss the subtly matte blush of his lips. </p><p>The contact lenses lightened Chanhee's irises to a shade of molten amber which drew Juyeon into solid caution. The new colour felt like it was shedding a different sort of light on him, exposing him. Perhaps Chanhee's sharp gaze really did offer deeper scrutiny. If Chanhee knew that Juyeon had thought about kissing him, what would he do? </p><p>Juyeon had never been kissed and he wondered whether that might end tonight. Regardless of his attempts to keep himself under control, he doubted tonight would be the beginning or end of anything. </p><p>How many times had he fulfilled a small wish of Sangyeon’s and waited patiently to have his keeper look upon him with gratitude, trail fingertips along his jaw, lick greedily into the mouth of his property. </p><p>A chill slopped over Juyeon's hand as the cup in his hand split and spilled lemonade over the brittle tension of his fingers. </p><p>It wasn't worth thinking about. It wasn't going to happen. Juyeon smiled blandly as Chanhee fussed over him with napkins. Their eyes met. This wasn't worth thinking about either. It wasn't going to happen, Juyeon and Chanhee. </p><p>"We should take drinks back for the others," Juyeon suggested. He wondered whether it was an obvious escape. If Juyeon was lucky, Chanhee never even knew the idle fancy which had come to roost in his mind. He hoped he was lucky. He still wanted a person who looked at him like a friend. </p><p>Passing through their fellow students on the way back to the table their associates had booked, Juyeon thought the costumes were all very impressive. He wasn't sure whether there were prizes for the best efforts but he knew who he thought should have won. </p><p>Kim Minkyeung from his class and her friends were dressed very intricately and sparkled and shimmered as Disney villains. Juyeon didn't know enough about Disney princesses and villains to know exactly who they were all meant to be though he did wonder how they all chose their costumes. Minkyeung looked as haughty and imposing as usual with horns twisting out of her head. She got to look graceful and intimidating yet one of the friends she was never without looked far less impressive, clumsily tripping over soggy-looking tentacles trailing limply from her waist. At least like this it was easy to tell apart the twins Gyeongwon and Gyeongyeon. </p><p>Gyeongyeon was all bouncing red hair and glimmering teal as <em> The Little Mermaid</em>. Gyeongwon was a sodden sea hag, a miserable looking counterpart somewhere between her sister and her friends. Juyeon felt sorry for her, especially when he considered that a costume was the perfect opportunity to be something different. She could have been anyone less gloomy than her usual demeanour yet she always managed to stand at the periphery of any fun. </p><p>At least Juyeon had an excuse not to have too much fun; he wasn't allowed to have fun. Gyeongwon was rich. Juyeon didn't see what was holding her back. </p><p>Sejeong wasn't rich, though her pouting was unusual as she stared down at her phone whilst sitting at their table in the decorated sports hall. She wasn't rich but she wasn't like Juyeon either. She had friends. Her friends must have been disappointing her in some respect seeing as she looked so annoyed. Whether or not these friends were disappointing, Juyeon was jealous. </p><p>"Do you want a drink?" Juyeon asked. Sejeong flinched and smiled as she accepted the lemonade Juyeon offered. Her costume didn't look like much; just a generic catsuit, black like what a spy or a burglar would wear, yet Sangyeon had been very insistent that her choice of costume was down to their strong friendship. Sejeong hadn't protested for once and Juyeon wondered whether they really could be considered anything like friends. </p><p>"You don't have to wait on me hand and foot," Sejeong pointed out, leaning up in her seat to be heard over the music. "I'm not like the others." </p><p>"I was getting drinks anyway," Juyeon reasoned. He would have to make multiple trips but he was used to it. The fact he was allowed to exist in many spaces counted on the fact that he ran errands and anticipated favours. Sejeong was slightly different, unique to the point she could look like being here was an inconvenience. He smiled at her. She almost returned the expression. </p><p>"I will get snacks after this. There's a chocolate fountain if you want me to pick anything up for you."</p><p>Sejeong wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "I'm not hungry."</p><p>"Do you want anything?" Juyeon asked as he leaned down to where Chanhee had taken a seat. </p><p>"Anything will be fine, Jacob, thank you," Chanhee said, eyes bright. </p><p>"Don't call him that," Jaehyun said, leaning across Sangyeon and Sejeong for the sake of frowning at Chanhee. "That's not his name. It's annoying."</p><p>"I don't mind though," Juyeon said. </p><p>"You do," Jaehyun said firmly. </p><p>Juyeon couldn't refute the words which fell upon his ears as an instruction. He didn't mind, but he had to. Making the trips back and forth for drinks and snacks, Juyeon wondered <em> why </em>it even mattered for him to have the opinions that Jaehyun wanted him to have. </p><p>On the last trip, after squeezing his way onto the dancefloor, Juyeon got trapped with Suhyun and Chaekyung. They each grabbed an arm and he couldn't shake them off. He was stuck bobbing between them as they swung him into their approximation of dancing. </p><p>"Do you want me to fetch you anything?" Juyeon shouted over the music. Chaekyung shook her head and closed her pink lips into a smile over the glimmer of her teeth. Suhyun nodded emphatically, though she kept gesturing for Juyeon to lean in closer instead of answering right away. </p><p>Eventually, she said, "Dance."</p><p>"I should check if anyone else wants anything."</p><p>"You already know that I want something!" Suhyun insisted, surging ghoulishly onto tiptoes and holding him in place as Sailor Moon danced her way to a transformation beside them. </p><p>"What do you want?" Juyeon asked, wondering what exactly he misheard beneath the dense music. </p><p>"Dance!" </p><p>Juyeon shook his head. "I shouldn't. What if Sangyeon needs anything?" </p><p>Suhyun pulled a face and repeated her demand. "Dance!" Chaekyung held up her hand and Juyeon returned the peace sign until Suhyun slapped his hand down, grinning. "Two! Two dances. You have to dance with us twice."</p><p>"Forget about Sangyeon," Chaekyung said as she tugged Juyeon's arm hard enough that she could pull his arm right of the socket. "When you're on your deathbed, you'll regret not dancing every once in a while."</p><p>It was true. Juyeon would regret not dancing, but already he regretted not making himself available for whatever he may be needed for. He was going to regret something. </p><p>He danced, just allowed himself to be silly and two dances turned into more. There wasn't any particular coordination to the movements; just releasing the tension ratcheting his muscles too tightly. He had already seen how silly Suhyun and Chaekyung looked. The faces they pulled along with their retro boogieing seemed fun and, allowing himself to join in, Juyeon realised that it certainly was fun. </p><p>Between the silliness and looming reminder that he existed on the grace of other people, Juyeon decided that he should make room for himself. </p><p>Suhyun was strange. She had borrowed Juyeon many times, making him carry things for her, couriering notes around the school, and one time she had him give her a hand massage. Recently, she was more inclined to give Juyeon advice he was wary of following. Suhyun seemed nice, almost like she was repaying all those little favours and errands from before. He wondered how far her kindness extended. </p><p>"What should I do?" Juyeon shouted over the music. Suhyun stopped dancing, swaying in place. The lights moved over her face, illuminated her smile in glows and shadows, purple and red and the bright white of uncertainty. She extended an arm, her sleeve sagging from her almost as though she had used it to pull herself right out of a well in order to squeeze Juyeon's arm. </p><p>"Stand up for yourself," Suhyun shouted back. She dragged Chaekyung forwards and whispered something into her ear before gesturing for her to say something too. </p><p>After momentary befuddlement, Chaekyung twirled and posed dramatically on one leg. Someone jolted into her and Suhyun caught her before Juyeon needed to. Chaekyung grinned toothily and stretched onto tiptoe, hands firm on Juyeon's shoulders.</p><p>"Be someone who matters."</p><p>When she withdrew, Chaekyung had a look in her eyes which made Juyeon curious. He couldn't quite place the expression for what it was. He was supposed to understand however he suspected it would take him a while to get there. </p><p>Chaekyung's words themselves were curious enough. They danced a little more, though Juyeon felt the difference in his limbs. He was no longer carefree and stupid. He couldn't stop thinking and that was the stupidest part of all. </p><p>He needed to stop thinking. He needed to be someone who mattered — or he at least needed to remind people that he should have mattered to them, even if he was an insignificant presence in their lives. </p><p>The girls let Juyeon go once he told them to take a break to have a drink soon. </p><p>Juyeon returned to the table of people who were not quite friends (and never tried very hard to appear as much). Sejeong was still frowning at her phone, though this time she at least had some input. Chanhee turned apprehensive eyes on Juyeon as he approached but it was just another non-verbal uncertainty to Juyeon. Perhaps it didn't mean anything and he only wanted to dance. They could dance later. They <em> would </em>dance later because it wouldn't matter and Juyeon would be able to do things that didn't matter when he felt like it. </p><p>"Jaehyun." </p><p>There was no response, but of course there wouldn't be when Sangyeon was sitting in Jaehyun's lap and teasing him with snacks which Juyeon had fetched earlier. </p><p>Juyeon tried again, clearing his throat and wondering why he couldn't raise his voice above the volume of the music. He reached out for Jaehyun's shoulder just to get his attention and had to watch as his arm was carelessly brushed away by Sangyeon. </p><p>"What do you want, Juyeon?" Sangyeon asked. He sounded like he was tired. He hadn't any reason to be seeing as he was resting so heavily across Jaehyun's lap. He couldn't be tired in general but it wasn't so strange to think he was simply tired of Juyeon. </p><p>Good. Juyeon was tired too. This could work in his favour. He could wear his way straight through the tether keeping him close to people who didn't even want him. </p><p>"I need to speak to Jaehyun," Juyeon called. He didn't think he could be heard this time either, though his gesture towards Jaehyun was explanatory enough. Sangyeon frowned at Jaehyun. This had much less to do with being disappointed as Sejeong was and much more to do with not wanting to let Jaehyun go. The two of them murmured to one another and Juyeon tried not to watch on. He looked away, over students dancing together in their clusters of friends. </p><p>For a moment Juyeon was almost tempted to give up on this whole thing and ask Chanhee if he wanted to go out and dance right now. A knock against his shoulder alerted him to Jaehyun granting a wish which felt too small for what it meant. </p><p>"Where do you want to go?" </p><p>Juyeon led the way out of the sports hall. The chill of autumn drenched them both when they stepped out of the Halloween Ball. The heat hadn't been stifling yet the contrast left Juyeon wondering why he was glad of the cold. He could think even better out here as they walked further away from the students milling around. Beside Juyeon, Jaehyun shivered. He gripped his bare forearms tightly and his jaw was tight as he suggested they go inside. </p><p>Surprisingly the school building was not locked. Venturing inside the dead quiet of the school building out of hours was oddly thrilling in its own way. Anticipation sparked in the pit of Juyeon's stomach, though he supposed it might have found tinder amongst the present thought of why he wanted to talk to Jaehyun at all. </p><p>Their footsteps echoed throughout the empty main entrance, the sound rippling through the static air. The stone floor gleamed even in the dark of night and Juyeon loved watching the movement of the sheen that seemed to dance just ahead of him as he walked. </p><p>The flickering shine on the stone floor beckoned Juyeon up the stairs and he followed. And Jaehyun followed him. </p><p>At the top of the stairs they sat on the ledge of the huge window which looked over the two sides of the world. </p><p>One side of the window touched the reception hall, the pristine stone and glass and the accents of wood. The other side of the window was exposed to the elements, though it was free from even bird waste and lichen and overlooked the carefully controlled nature allowed to decorate the school grounds. </p><p>Juyeon wondered just how far the guiding light had gone. He peered through the window to see if it had ventured outside to tiptoe amongst the greyscale and Jaehyun sighed. </p><p>"What do you want?" </p><p>Juyeon jolted, looked at Jaehyun through blue gloom. He must already have known what this conversation was about. It was better to get to the point. </p><p>"Do you like me, Jaehyun?" </p><p>No answer. He kept kicking his heels against the floor as he leaned back against the window. </p><p>"Why did you come to talk to me if you won't even answer a simple question? Do you like me?" </p><p>"Yes, Juyeon, alright? I like you. Are you happy now?" </p><p>Jaehyun's question was a strange one. Irritation had flared into the smudges of light in his eyes, and the way his shoulders rose towards his ears, and the shortness of his voice. He must have known himself how clearly annoyed he was yet he bothered to ask that question. </p><p>Juyeon laughed. Fine. Jaehyun didn't like him. He didn't need to consider his classmate as a friend. But this lie amongst everything else had made Juyeon more eager to delve deeper into this. </p><p>"Alright. You don't like me. Do you respect me?" </p><p>Everything collapsed. The tension in Jaehyun's arms, the rigid strength of his legs, even the bark in his voice crumpled into confusion. He sagged back against the mirror-dark window and pressed against the back of his scarce reflection. </p><p>"What do you mean by that?" </p><p>"It's not a difficult question. Do you respect me? Do you see me as a person? Someone with my own worth? Are my feelings and experiences valid to you?" </p><p>Jaehyun was quiet for a moment before he lifted his gaze through the fuzz of nocturn and said, "Is this about Sangyeon?" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"You like him, don't you?" </p><p>Jaehyun's voice was clear as the glass behind them. The window showed the steep drop to the ground below and Jaehyun's voice showed that he had known all along. And it hadn't stopped him. </p><p>This wasn't quite Juyeon's intention when he pulled Jaehyun aside, his determination landing somewhere closer to the prospect of gnawing himself free of a frayed leash, but this warranted his attention too. </p><p>"Why is it so strange for me to ask whether you like me when you obviously never have. I thought we were friends at first. A friend would have at least said something to me instead of letting me work things out for myself."</p><p>"I didn't want you to get upset," Jaehyun grumbled with a shrug. It was that easy to stop caring. </p><p>Not for both of them though. </p><p>"How do you think I feel right now, Jaehyun?" </p><p>"This is so stupid," Jaehyun sighed as he tipped his head back. He brought his stare back to Juyeon. The irritation from before had returned along with the eye contact. "You're hurting your own feelings by even thinking there was a possibility for you and Sangyeon in the first place. I'm not going to apologise because I'm not sorry. I didn't do anything wrong. He loves me. You never had a chance. Are we done here now?" </p><p>Stunned by the rapid pricks of the words it took a while too long for Juyeon's tongue to catch up to the coordination of his teeth and lips. He shook his head and started again. </p><p>"He chose me before he'd ever met you."</p><p>"We're not the same," Jaehyun said, terse resignation settling into his face. "He chose you to be his errand-boy. He couldn't ever love you. You're not like us, so there is a lot that you wouldn't understand about him. I am not trying to gloat, alright? I just want you to—" </p><p>"I'm not like you? How? What is that supposed to mean?" Juyeon asked, the words slashing out of his mouth and sparking from his lips with rapid heat. "What could be so difficult for me to understand? You do realise how I got into this school, don't you? I couldn't pay my way in like the rest of you. I have a <em> scholarship </em>because I am smart. I am smarter than both of you, Jaehyun; I have seen both of your scores and the work you've submitted, so you should know there is a lot that you already don't understand. Don't think that you have any right to try to put me in my place. I'm not an idiotic child. Tell me clearly why I wouldn't understand things about Sangyeon. You can use big words if it will help you feel better about yourself."</p><p>Jaehyun shook his head and stood up. He opened one of the panels of the huge window — threw the pane wide open and he kneeled on the ledge to welcome the bracing wind which rushed to greet him. His hair shivered as the gusts of autumnal night offered its caress and, moonlit, he turned to grin at Juyeon. </p><p>"You already said it yourself, why you're different to us, Juyeon. You couldn't pay to be here. Sangyeon doesn't buy you things because he likes you, it is because he pities you for not being like us. Do you understand now, Juyeon, or was that not intelligent enough for your humongous brain?"</p><p>Juyeon knew. It wasn't as though Jaehyun was saying anything novel, yet hearing it vocalised had him numbly replying, "Shut up."</p><p>"We came here to talk, didn't we? Why are you telling me to shut up now?" Jaehyun asked as he took a seat on the windowledge. He swung his legs around and dangled them out of the open void of the window, the wind tugging at the patterns of his shirt and the hem of his shorts. He leaned forward and looked down from the window. "Do you think I'd die if I fell from this height? Tell you what, you should push me. If I die, you can have Sangyeon. If not… actually I will let you have him even if I don't die. Either way we will see which of us he would really choose. If you think it is going to be you, you should hurry up and push me. Or are you scared because once you do it you won't have anyone else to blame for why he doesn't want you?"</p><p>Juyeon was learning a lot tonight, more than he'd expected. Jaehyun didn't like him. Jaehyun didn't respect him. He hated Jaehyun. </p><p>"Let me go," Juyeon said. </p><p>Jaehyun's smile, sardonic and wide, faltered for a moment. "What? You can do whatever you want. Go. Nobody is stopping you."</p><p>"I don't mean right now," Juyeon said quietly, "I mean forever. I don't want to have to pretend to be friends with you anymore. You need to tell Sangyeon to leave me too. I can't do this anymore." </p><p>Jaehyun considered the request, casting his gaze over the frigid night below. He turned to look at Juyeon over his shoulder and his eyes turned sharp as he said, "Beg."</p><p>"What?" </p><p>Jaehyun nodded down at the floor of the landing. "Get on your knees, Juyeon. You'll do it if you really want it."</p><p>It never ended. Juyeon was looking at someone who had felt so certainly like a friend. Nothing he said tonight had been anything Juyeon had even suspected. It turned out that cautiously affable Jaehyun wasn't nice at all. And he could even tell Juyeon to beg. </p><p>He wondered whether their friendship had been so superficial to allow for this, or perhaps Jaehyun was the sort of person who could demand this of people who considered him a friend. Another possibility was simply that Juyeon existed in this world to bring this side out of people — the side which was greedy for even a modicum of power, the side which desired to tear down a person beneath them. </p><p>Juyeon had a choice, whether to get down or not, but he didn't see a good way to get what he wanted otherwise. </p><p>"You aren't actually going to get on your knees are you?" </p><p>Halfway to the ground, Juyeon looked over his shoulder to see who spoke. Even from the top of the stairs, the view of the evil queen below chilled Juyeon's blood. He didn't know what to do. </p><p>"If he doesn't get on his knees and beg, he will have to carry on doing whatever Sangyeon and I say." </p><p>Minkyeung scoffed. Her ascent up the stairs was slow, the horns on her head rising through the air and piercing the dimness and bringing with her a deeper darkness. </p><p>Gems on her dress sparkled black and the solid pitch of the garment pooled as a portal to nothingness on the landing. She glared down at Juyeon. </p><p>"Get up." </p><p>"Don't get up, Juyeon," Jaehyun countered. "You need to ask for things nicely."</p><p>Minkyeung looked away from Juyeon, over to Jaehyun as he clambered back inside the window frame. He must not have wanted to be pushed by Minkyeung, only by Juyeon. </p><p>"What happened to you?" Minkyeung asked. "Was all your self-righteousness before just an act? Or have you spent enough time with Sangyeon that you're as poisonous as he is?" </p><p>"Keep his name out of your mouth," Jaehyun spat. He stood up, shoulder shaking with wound up tension. "Get over it. He doesn't like you. He probably never did."</p><p>Minkyeung barked a laugh as she dragged Juyeon up to his feet. "I knew he never liked me. That was why I broke up with him in the first place. That and the fact that the Palam Lees are evil."</p><p>"You need to stop talking right now," Jaehyun growled, eyes glinting lycan bright in the desaturated dark. </p><p>"Or what? Are you going to hurt me? Or will you make Juyeon do it because you're too pathetic to do anything yourself?" She goaded. </p><p>"I wouldn't do anything," Juyeon said quickly. He really wouldn't. He was here to put a stop to that, to become something of his own, a person in his own right. He couldn't do something like hurt a person just because Jaehyun asked it of him. He wouldn't have done it even if Sangyeon asked. There were lines which shouldn't be crossed, though no such agreements were spoken. Juyeon wasn't the sort of person who could hurt anyone. Bearing the pain inflicted by others taught him to be more careful than that. </p><p>Jaehyun sighed, false calm and smiled at Minkyeung in a way that looked far too familiar. It was that first smile he offered Juyeon when he decided to try and make a friend. </p><p>"Go away, Minkyeung. What are you doing here anyway? We're having a private conversation here. If you don't mind…" </p><p>Jaehyun's dismissive gesture was met with a scoff and Minkyeung turned mirth-filled eyes on Juyeon. "You're a saint for putting up with them for so long. Jaehyun, you and Sangyeon deserve each other. You're both exactly what your parents hoped you would be."</p><p>"I really don't have the patience for whatever nonsense you're spouting. Just get out of here." </p><p>Minkyeung didn't move except to straighten the graceful posture of her back and stand even taller, the menacing horns on her head curling menacingly around her glare. She looked dangerous. She looked kind of cool. Juyeon wondered what exactly about Minkyeung had her squaring up to someone as though her costume made up the difference in height. </p><p>"Why don't you have patience?" Minkyeung asked, head tilted and horns twisting dangerously towards Juyeon's face. "Are you running out of time to make Juyeon into your Gunju Motors?" </p><p>Silence. It was so dense, pressing against Juyeon with cloying intensity and forcing its way inside him: through his ears and filling his head, through his nose and inflating his chest, stuffing itself down his throat and beckoning the burn of bile. </p><p>Juyeon hadn't heard anyone aside from his mother and her family mention Gunju Motors. Yet here Minkyeung was, wielding the name with the blade of her tongue. </p><p>"I genuinely don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care," Jaehyun scoffed. </p><p>"You don't care about Palam and Samand colluding to destroy a rich family just because? You don't care about your parents murdering a man?" </p><p>Juyeon kept his mouth shut. Minkyeung wasn't quite right but she was scarily close to the truth. Juyeon just didn't quite understand how Minkyeung knew anything about it. </p><p>"If they murdered someone, wouldn't they be in prison?" </p><p>Jaehyun phrased his words as a question. He wasn't so quick to shoot her words down this time. He was just as curious about this as Juyeon was. </p><p>"You think people like our parents would go to prison?" Minkyeung asked. "People like us are above things like prison when the victims have nothing. If you take everything from a man — his money, his business built up by his family for generations, his will to live — how do you think he would seek retribution?" </p><p>"So, what you're saying is, you just made it all up. Thanks, Minkyeung." </p><p>"You've really never heard of Gunju Motors?" Minkyeung asked, voice lilting as though she was tasting the words. "Ask Sangyeon or Suhyun about it. They'll know. Haein told us all about it. She found us some contracts and meeting minutes, because it was important to document this hostile takeover, and there were even NDAs involved."</p><p>"And you never considered the possibility that Haein made it all up?" </p><p>"She didn't make it up," Juyeon interjected. Jaehyun looked through the blue gloom as though he was seeing Juyeon for the first time. Juyeon coughed lightly. "I remember news reports from around the time. The Gunju Motors family had a son around our age. I think he died or something. I had nightmares about it for a few years." </p><p>"I remember hearing about that too," Minkyeung said lightly. She nodded and accepted the words as truth as she repeated them. "They killed a kid too. That could have been you. If the Palams had teamed up with the Gunjus first, that could have been you, Jaehyun. Doesn't that scare you?" </p><p>Jaehyun shook his head. "Why would I be scared? Who is to say whose fault it was that some guy and his kid died?" </p><p>"Some guy and his kid?" Juyeon asked. Again, Jaehyun looked at Juyeon like he hadn't even realised he was there. Minkyeung didn't give him the chance to digest that fact. </p><p>"'<em>Some guy and his kid,' </em>Jaehyun? You can't be serious. The thing about your integrity act is that you're just as poisonous and evil as Sangyeon is. The Gunju Nohs were just like the Camink Chois, Glassic Kangs, Hwagang Kims. They were just like the Samand Lees. Except they weren't evil enough to destroy a family and a business the way your families were. </p><p>"Did you want to make your family proud and follow in their footsteps. Will you be happy if Juyeon becomes your Gunju? Is that when you'll be satisfied?" Minkyeung asked. She took a step closer, the click echoing through the cavernous entrance hall. "Seeing as things were following the groundwork that Sangyeon set, it could have been Chaekyung or Sejeong, but Juyeon is good enough, right?" </p><p>Juyeon recalled something Chaekyung once told him. Sangyeon loved her about as much as he loved Juyeon. That wasn't anything to be happy about according to her. She was one of Sangyeon's closest friends — one of his only friends if Juyeon thought about it — and that meant a lot more than he had realised. </p><p>From Juyeon's eyes, Sangyeon did love Chaekyung. That love was enough to kill if Minkyeung's words held any truth. </p><p>He wondered how different that love was to the love Jaehyun claimed. </p><p>"What would you do?" Juyeon asked, "Would you have pushed me?" </p><p>"Shut up," Jaehyun snapped. He levelled a glare at Minkyeung. "Why are you here? Why are you bothering with this nonsense?" </p><p>"I used to worry about you," Minkyeung said. "You seemed so nice and well-adjusted when you first arrived. Were you seduced by a monster or were you made the same way that he was?" </p><p>"Go, Minkyeung."</p><p>"You're telling me what to do?" Minkyeung sneered. "And you think I am going to listen to you?" </p><p>"I've had to listen to you and your nonsense. You can listen to me. Get out of here."</p><p>"What is going to happen to Juyeon if I leave?" Minkyeung asked. "Will anybody ever see him again?" </p><p>"I mean it, Minkyeung, or else nobody will see you again." </p><p>Minkyeung was braver than Juyeon. At a threat like that he wouldn't have strode closer to Jaehyun. </p><p>"You talk really big for someone who has been sheltered your entire life."</p><p>Minkyeung stumbled backwards at a shove and a growl from Jaehyun. </p><p>"People like you need to stay out of things that don't concern you or else the consequences will come for you," Jaehyun roared. </p><p>"People like me?" Minkyeung asked, regaining her lost ground. "Enlighten me."</p><p>Juyeon was curious too. As far as Juyeon was concerned, Minkyeung was a person like Jaehyun. They both had a lot of money and had no clue what life was like on the breadline. He waited, wondering what on earth Jaehyun was about to say. And he didn't disappoint. </p><p>"'<em>People like you</em>' means people who are small and jealous and want to take what is rightfully ours. <em> Our </em> money, <em> our </em> status, <em> our </em> power. You and your mother are just trying to steal from us. You're not like us. You don't belong. You need to stay out of things."</p><p>He shoved Minkyeung again, and again, and she batted away his hands and yelled at him to stop but each retaliation brought a harder shove. And another. And another. And Minkyeung's arms windmilled as her ankles rolled before she tumbled down the stairs with a shriek. </p><p>The horns from Minkyeung's costume were crumpled and broken from how many times she rolled over her head, cracks echoing through the dead peal of her scream. </p><p>Minkyeung was completely motionless at the bottom of the stairs, submerged in the silver pool moonlight. Maybe she was dead. </p><p>Juyeon looked away from her to the culprit who shoved her. Jaehyun was trembling, vibrating in place hard enough to almost make Juyeon laugh. Almost. Considering what he had just done, the terror tearing Jaehyun's eyes open was strange. That wasn't funny. The fear was real but there weren't any monsters here. Only Jaehyun himself. </p><p>"Jaehyun—" </p><p>"No!" The word tore out of Jaehyun’s throat, ugly and jagged. </p><p>Juyeon hated himself. After everything that Minkyeung had said, he couldn't help but wonder how deep loyalty ran inside him. He wanted to be free but liberation hadn't come for him just yet. If indeed his loyalty flowed in hidden currents it was influenced by the wrong streams of wind. </p><p>Jaehyun was scared. The fear was rattling through him, bursting in his eyes. He pushed someone down the stairs. Minkyeung still hadn't moved. She could be dead. The sound still rang out in Juyeon's mind: the rattling scream which tore into silence after one too many crunches. He doubted this would be an easy sound to forget. </p><p>Juyeon heard what happened when rich people got in fights. They paid to make it all go away. Juyeon didn't have a clue what happened when rich people killed anyone. Maybe that was too big of a mess to wave away with the flutter of fresh banknotes. </p><p>Juyeon wondered what would happen if Jaehyun got in trouble for this. Maybe Jaehyun would have to go away for a long time. Maybe Sangyeon would miss him, would seek comfort in a substitute, would finally reach for Juyeon. </p><p>Glancing at Jaehyun, Juyeon doubted he should have let his imagination run so wild. Jaehyun was a mess, shaking out of his skin, silent tears rolling out of the frosted glass of his eyes. </p><p>It wouldn't be long before someone found him like that, frozen in his own unresponsive daze. Guilty. </p><p>If Juyeon saw Jaehyun like this and did nothing he didn't know what that would make him. Not too long ago Jaehyun had goaded Juyeon, teased him with the possibility of a life without a hidden rival, and now he was looking at something similar to his own threat. </p><p>That should have been Jaehyun, deathly still on the ground. Instead it was Minkyeung who had fallen victim to the danger. </p><p>Minkyeung had revealed that pieces of Juyeon's past weren't forgotten, not by everyone. Looking at Jaehyun made Juyeon feel ill. Jaehyun hadn't done anything over a decade ago. He was a child too, just five years old like Juyeon. Sangyeon hadn't done anything either, but they were the faces of Palam and Samand that Juyeon knew. </p><p>He hadn't known who exactly had tried to destroy his father, had simply hated the anonymous people his mother muttered about when the stress clawed too deeply into her chest, but now he knew because of a girl dressed like an evil queen at a party. </p><p>Now he knew who had changed his life and he knew who had the determination to dance along the same path of footprints. But Jaehyun, a culprit, a monster made like Sangyeon, was barely holding himself together. </p><p>"Did you kill her?" Juyeon asked. </p><p>Jaehyun sobbed, knees buckled, and collapsed to the ground. He stared down the flight of stairs at Minkyeung sunken in shadow. </p><p>"I didn't," Jaehyun wailed. "I didn't do it."</p><p>"You did," Juyeon pointed out, quiet, calm. Jaehyun's fingers clamped around Juyeon's ankle and he anchored himself closer. </p><p>"Juyeon, I can't— I didn't— You have to help me."</p><p>Jaehyun's face shone, starlit grief, as he stared up at Juyeon. It was strange. Did Juyeon need to help Jaehyun? What did he owe someone like Jaehyun? </p><p>Friendship? Decency? Kindness? Juyeon stared back down at Jaehyun. Until tonight, Jaehyun had at least pretended to be on Juyeon's side. Sangyeon had never been dishonest about how he saw their relationship. Juyeon was always just Juyeon: someone who existed to make Sangyeon happy. </p><p>What else would make Sangyeon happy but this? </p><p>Juyeon wanted freedom. He wanted to be a person on his own. But that hadn't yet been granted to him. </p><p>"Please."</p><p>Juyeon closed his eyes. "Just go, Jaehyun, before someone comes."</p><p>For a moment, Jaehyun hesitated. The moment passed. Fine. Jaehyun scrambled to his feet and ran. There was nothing for it. </p><p>Juyeon had to take the blame. </p><p>He had to do his duty. </p><p><br/>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i have been very excited to reach this chapter. i think something similar happened in version 11 but this is actually my favourite chapter of this fic so far (sorry chaekyung, your first chapter is bumped down to second place TT)</p><p>i think that if i am honest, though sangyeon is framed as the main character, this story is a lot more to do with juyeon and chaekyung and i have been paying extra special attention to the two of them whilst writing haha</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Stars Live in the Dark — November 2014</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jaehyun is gone.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nineteen was a good age. Sangyeon hadn't had a year anywhere near as good as this year. His birthday was a special day near the end of a special year. Since being surprised by Jaehyun before the stroke of a new year, he had been happy. Until now he hadn't understood exactly how happy he could be. </p><p>The material world existed only for him, yet there was more that he hadn't even realised he had needed. </p><p>Love. </p><p>Stupid, simple love. </p><p>The first person to speak the word to Sangyeon was Jaehyun. He gave the word meaning and made Sangyeon understand what affection could become. Jaehyun wanted Sangyeon to be the best he could be but he loved him even before he'd managed to reach that ideal. </p><p>Embarrassingly, Sangyeon layered a lot of significance on just how special Jaehyun was to him. He had plans. A lot of plans which involved finally getting some privacy, just the two of them. The plans even had Haein's begrudging seal of approval, and she helped him set things into motion. </p><p>Near the end of Sangyeon’s birthday party, he and Jaehyun will sneak away, back to a quiet room in a quiet apartment in Songpa (a little place Sangyeon needed Haein's assistance to acquire) and Sangyeon will ask Jaehyun to spend the rest of their lives together. </p><p>In the summer they had already made promises to each other but Sangyeon had something more permanent than a daisy ring. He had intended to give this gift on Jaehyun's birthday but some odd fears deterred him from going through with it. A ring. A plain silver band. An unbroken representation of eternity. Their forever. </p><p>Fear was a strange thing. </p><p>Sangyeon loved Jaehyun enough that it scared him. The feeling was peaceful, a presence which never faded though the realisation emerged from the soupy current of Sangyeon’s mind rather regularly. He would be eating breakfast, or using the blade of his hand to sweep away pencil shavings, or searching for a song to listen to, or trying to catch Scholarship Sejeong's eye during a maths lesson, and the reminder would brush against Sangyeon nettle-sharp. He loved Jaehyun. It was always true but remembering the fact wound the corners of his lips into a tighter smile. </p><p>Knowing that he loved Jaehyun, and knowing he was loved back, was pleasant though it still scared him. Because he was scared, he hadn't been able to admit that he was preparing for the rest of their lives. They had somewhere to live. Somewhere small and simple with only one bathroom and nowhere for the help to sleep. They had bracelets; not quite as heavy as rings in their sentiment but heavy enough that the weight of them strained oddly against the stitching of Sangyeon’s pockets. </p><p>His fingers itched as he checked his reflection in the mirror of the toilets at the rooftop restaurant which had been kitted out for his party. It was a big day. He would allow people to see him for long enough to make the guests happy and escape to be with the only person he wanted to celebrate with. </p><p>Sangyeon did his duty. He greeted guests, so many people who didn't care a jot for his existence. He sent a message and then another message and then another. The messages weren't answered and the most important guest never appeared. </p><p>The music continued to play, too loud for conversation, and guests danced and sat around at the tables ready for the meal to be served later. Life went on, happiness didn't. </p><p>In the toilets, Sangyeon hid himself away in a cubicle and called Jaehyun. </p><p>Perhaps he should have been more concerned before now. Jaehyun had been silent and absent for days and Sangyeon hadn't minded. He had left countless messages already, just reminding Jaehyun to have a good day, to eat well, to have sweet dreams. He had left messages asking for Jaehyun to respond whenever he wasn't busy, he had left messages with details of the birthday party, he had left messages saying he loved him though even those went unanswered. It was fine, it had to be in those few days. Spending every single day together was more strange than anything. Some time apart was healthy. It was good. But Sangyeon wasn't coping well without an endpoint in sight. </p><p>"Hi, Jaehyun, it's me, Sangyeon." Jaehyun's voicemail was surely familiar with Sangyeon’s pathetic blathering by now. There was no need to be ashamed of how pathetic he is. "I know you're probably just running late, but I am waiting for you. It has been a while, hasn't it? I hope you're alright today. I actually have a surprise for you today. I wasn't brave enough when it was your birthday but today is the day. I think you'll like the surprise. I hope you will. I love you. I'm waiting for you."</p><p>It was stupid. Sangyeon was stupid. He needed to calm down. He left the toilets and returned to the black sparkling of his birthday party. </p><p>Despite his agitation, Sangyeon was adept at mingling with the guests who could stand his presence for longer than a few words. He smiled between glances at his watch. He laughed whenever he wasn't staring at the entrances in anticipation. He pretended to marvel at the decorations of black veils and stones when he wasn't asking people if they had heard from the Samand Lees. </p><p>The answers Sangyeon wanted didn't come and neither did the signs of the only person he actually wanted to see. </p><p>Hours passed, the dinner was served, and the drinks and dancing steered the party into its ending phase. Still, Jaehyun wasn't anywhere to be seen. </p><p>There was another point of stability in life, the original fulcrum about which the entire universe revolved. The problem here was that these days this point was less reassuring when occupied by someone entirely unsavoury. </p><p>"Do you think something has happened to Jaehyun?" Sangyeon asked. Haein finally looked away from Seokhee to turn a puzzled expression on Sangyeon. Getting attention on his birthday was apparently a bigger ask than it initially appeared though the fact that even the sister who claimed to always be on his side was reluctant to spare her time was an unpleasant revelation. </p><p>She was kind enough to help arrange the party, and she was kind enough to help Sangyeon arrange all of the surprises he had in store for Jaehyun, but now that all of the hard work was out of the way she was unfortunately unconcerned with the things weighing on Sangyeon’s mind. </p><p>"Don't be so silly." </p><p>That was all. Sangyeon was being silly. He had to be patient. He could do that. </p><p>He had been patient all night, and even if he told Haein he could wait longer, he couldn't. Hope was rapidly dwindling. </p><p>At this point, Sangyeon knew that Jaehyun wasn't coming. He had waited for hours and hours from this tower overlooking the city for his beautiful Prince Charming. His perfect, brilliant, amazing Jaehyun who never loved him in the first place. </p><p>The air at the top of a skyscraper was brisk, the wind rushing by and drenching Sangyeon right down to his bones, his useless, brittle bones. </p><p>His birthday was a stupid, idiotic day. How shallow and selfish of him to want to celebrate. Hwagang Kim Minkyeung almost died a few days ago. Shouldn't he be more sensitive? Shouldn't he be less obscene in his self-adoration? That was what guests at this stupid party had said whilst he was in earshot, likely with worse words uttered whilst he was further away. It was hard not to hear it though he hadn't cared when he was still waiting for Jaehyun to come. Now that the night was deepening to Arctic unfriendliness, the spite of the words living in his mind were welcome warmth. More spite arrived in the form of the most spiteful person Sangyeon has the displeasure of knowing. </p><p>Chaekyung hated him. He knew. She deserved to hate him, though Sangyeon wasn't sure whether she deserved to show him so clearly as often as she did. Leaning on the balcony beside Sangyeon, it wasn't clear whether this particular moment was fuelled by hate. </p><p>Chaekyung was cautious as she used her thumb to sweep away the glacial trails on Sangyeon’s cheeks. She seemed to glow, ice white in the desaturation of dark. Her white dress had long sleeves and a high neck, which seemed like a good idea for the season, though the hemline was above her knee and the neckline scooped low in the back. Her hair was smoothed into a low ponytail at the base of her skull. The silken texture looked soft, though Sangyeon knew he wasn't allowed to feel for himself. </p><p>Sangyeon sniffed. "You look nice. Who picked your dress?" </p><p>"My mum. How did you guess it wasn't my choice?" </p><p>"Your… skin," Sangyeon muttered. Chaekyung smiled, sighed into the wash of frigidity which froze her breath into a cloud. </p><p>"Suhyun finally answered her phone," Chaekyung said. Her eyes were down-turned, focused as her white-and-black painted nails worked to stretch the cuff of her sleeve over the heel of her hand. "She said she is sick. She doesn't sound sick, but that's her excuse." </p><p>That wasn't a surprise. Sangyeon hadn't heard from Suhyun since the Halloween Ball and all of his questions were about Jaehyun's whereabouts rather than her own. Whatever had happened, Suhyun knew the circumstances. She wasn't inclined to give away the answer to Sangyeon because she was keeping a secret. He supposed she was good at that. </p><p>Chaekyung was good at keeping secrets too. She kept secrets from Sangyeon and the rest of them. She was amazing. She knew all of Sangyeon’s secrets somehow. She hated Sangyeon but she was kind like this. She used her sleeve to dab beneath Sangyeon’s eyes, a better offer than her hand. </p><p>"I know you love him. He shouldn't have left you like this," Chaekyung said gently. She knew too much. </p><p>"Did Suhyun say something else? About Jaehyun?" </p><p>"He should be here with you. It's your birthday and you have hardly any friends here."</p><p>Sangyeon snorted and leaned out of her reach. Great. </p><p>"What friends are supposed to be here?" </p><p>"What about Juyeon?" Chaekyung asked. She drummed her fingernails on the railing. "He can't be revising to sit in the Suneung for you seeing as that would be taking things a step too far, and his murder attempt wasn't successful. Surely he had time to come." </p><p>"You really think he wanted Minkyeung to die?" </p><p>"You've met her, haven't you," Chaekyung prompted. "Considering how rude she is to me, I would definitely have tried it. She's insufferable. Good on Juyeon for being brave enough to put us all out of our misery." </p><p>Chaekyung shivered when she stopped speaking and her gaze faltered before she looked back out to the city. The streets below were nothing more than amber veins oozing between the mantle-dark towers encrusted with glimmers of lights. </p><p>"You don't mean that," Sangyeon said. He sighed and shuffled closer to Chaekyung. Their arms touched. She needed the warmth and he needed the support. </p><p>"Maybe. Shouldn't you be more upset than this? If you were upset you'd want to hear spiteful things," Chaekyung noted. She was right. There wasn't much better for lifting spirits than treading over the crushed dignity of others. His own dignity existed only in shards. Already he was at his own party without any friends. Only Chaekyung was here. He hadn't much left. </p><p>"I don't want to believe this is happening. I am crying and getting upset for no reason. Jaehyun will come. He isn't going to dump me like this." </p><p>Chaekyung nodded. She asked, "Did he know you were going to ask him to marry you? Maybe you scared him off." </p><p>Sangyeon shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. Stupid. Silly. "I only told you and Haein. If he did find out… I thought that was what he would want. When you love someone, isn't that to be expected? Being together forever." </p><p>An odd sound came from Chaekyung's throat but her face was serene as though the sound never stirred from her. Sangyeon sniffed. He was fine. Disbelief was something he grappled with internally just as often as externally. </p><p>"I want to spend the rest of my life with Jaehyun because he is someone I love. He is someone I choose," Sangyeon said. He tried to be steady but only a few words had the foundations he hoped for. The remainder of his thought was dragged from his lips by a strong wind and his own understanding of the truth. He couldn't pretend though he ached for denial. "I don't want whatever my mother and father think I should do. I want a life where they can't touch me. Right now I am nothing, but I want to give Jaehyun a promise. I want… I just want to know what I did wrong and how I can fix it."</p><p>By this point any words Sangyeon said must have been lost to the arrhythmic sobs and whines of his tears, otherwise Chaekyung just didn't have anything to say to him. He leaned into her side and she held firm. It wasn't clear whether she was so steady from support or spite. He didn't quite know what he did to her either. </p><p>"I just want that one person who makes me feel important, Chaekyung. He makes me feel like I matter. I'm sorry that all I do is complain but—" </p><p>"I get it," Chaekyung interrupted firmly. "I've never had anyone like that but I get it. If I had that, I wouldn't want to let go either." </p><p>She did understand. Sangyeon wasn't sure she ever had tried to understand something like this for him before so this occasion was appreciated. The thing was, Sangyeon didn't want this opportunity to think about how considerate and understanding Chaekyung could be. He wanted Jaehyun to talk to him and let him know what was wrong. </p><p>If they had fallen out, Sangyeon didn't have a clue why. At the Halloween Ball, things had been fine until Jaehyun disappeared without a word. In the days since, Sangyeon had retreaded the moments of the night which he remembered and there wasn't anything wrong. He and Jaehyun were fine. They were happy. A few complaints about Chanhee and Juyeon might have been grumbled into Sangyeon’s ear, so it might be that he was supposed to care a bit more about that, but it still wasn't extreme enough to explain why Jaehyun would disappear over it. </p><p>Not for the first time tonight, Sangyeon wondered whether anything had happened to Jaehyun. Of course thoughts like that were stupid, just as Haein had said. People like them didn't disappear quietly. People like them drew attention and gossip and the whole world would already be talking if anything had happened. </p><p>Nothing had happened. Jaehyun simply didn't turn up. </p><p>The night ended. He still didn't come. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>After being abandoned by the one person Sangyeon wanted to have with him for all the good times, Sangyeon realised what had happened. Jaehyun had done exactly what he said he had set out to do. He had found his way to stop Sangyeon. He had chosen his method of destruction and Sangyeon was on his knees. </p><p>He had nothing left. </p><p>Sangyeon remembered the words from the first day they met because they were so strange. <em> 'I will do anything to stop you,' </em> he had said, like Sangyeon was his cartoonish nemesis. A week ago it had been something to smile about because he hadn't predicted that day that things would lead to him falling in love. There was a lot that he hadn't predicted in this gambit, least of all Jaehyun breaking his heart without a single word. </p><p>This was enough to stop Sangyeon. Now all he wanted was to find Jaehyun and apologise, to atone for all of his past wrongs, whatever they may have been. </p><p>Visiting Juyeon on the outskirts of Nowon-gu was a last resort. </p><p>Coming to this part of the city was strange and Sangyeon was surprised at how flimsy and flithy things really were. The security door on the outside of this old high-rise was broken so anyone could walk in and eddies of dust and debris danced in the corners of stairwells where the draught came through too strongly. </p><p>A certain level of difference was expected between the life that swaddled Sangyeon and the impoverished circumstances that Juyeon lived in but seeing warping and mildewed patches of damp in the walls, threadbare carpets and chipped paint all around revealed absolute dilapidation. So this was how the scholarship students lived. </p><p>The building wasn't the only shocking thing. The people that lived and breathed the musty air in this high-rise block of flats were surprising too. A man with vacant eyes sitting in a wheelchair stared right back at Sangyeon once he was let through the door. And Juyeon himself, dark circles around his eyes and clothes and hair unwashed for days. </p><p>The sour odour was only worse once they were shut away in Juyeon's bedroom but sitting on the floor with his legs beneath him, Sangyeon thought he could understand precisely why people's pride was hurt by having to look up to others. </p><p>Despite his higher perspective, Juyeon looked small with his shoulders curled in on himself. It was easy to forget that he was going through something big too. If the blank-faced man in the living room was Juyeon's father, Sangyeon wondered whether Juyeon felt anything beyond loneliness. </p><p>"Is your mother around?" Sangyeon asked. </p><p>"She works nights. She's sleeping."</p><p>Sangyeon nodded, not sure where to go from here. Luckily, Juyeon knew exactly where to steer this conversation. </p><p>"Why are you here, Sangyeon?" </p><p>Sangyeon’s hands curled into fists on his thighs before he managed to relax the tension winding around his throat already. He was too close to tears for no good reason. </p><p>"Jaehyun. Have you heard from him lately?" </p><p>Juyeon made an impatient sound, almost wore a smile on his face though it wasn't a pleasant expression on him. "Of course you're here for Jaehyun. I haven't seen him since Halloween. I haven't spoken to anyone since then for obvious reasons."</p><p>Sangyeon was stupid. He shouldn't have come here no matter how desperate he was. But something inside him ached, too sharp to ignore. He needed to find the one clue he thought was within reach. </p><p>"We're not friends, Sangyeon," Juyeon said. "Not just you and I. Jaehyun too. He pretended to be different but he is still so much like you. Maybe he's worse. I hate him."</p><p>The venom is genuine. The look in Juyeon's eyes is familiar though Sangyeon can't quite place the memory of the disdain. </p><p>"Do you hate Minkyeung too?" Sangyeon asked. "Is that why you pushed her on Halloween?" </p><p>The edge of hatred blunted away to defeat, dull and miserable. Juyeon slumped back against the wall behind his bed. </p><p>"Sure. Let's go with that. You people don't care about anyone who doesn't serve your goals. You, Jaehyun, and every single other kid at that stupid school." Juyeon muffled his words with his sleeve, shoulders heaving with exertion until he was calmer. His hand trembled as he pulled it away from his mouth and it was no longer malice on his face. "I worked so hard to make my parents proud and get into a school that would give me a chance in life. And now I am going to get kicked out. I have no future now. And my parents don't have the money for the stupid lawyers to fight back against Minkyeung's family and I won't ever be able to do anything to help them and it is all because of people like Jaehyun and you."</p><p>Grief. The malice had given way for grief. No matter what Juyeon had done, no matter the fact that Minkyeung was still in a hospital right now because Juyeon had attacked her, he had nothing. He lost everything. </p><p>People blamed whoever they wanted when they were hurting. </p><p>Sangyeon left Juyeon crying in his bedroom, distraught sobs still audible through the thin walls. Juyeon's father watched Sangyeon leave, eyes still unsettlingly empty. </p><p>The ache hadn't gone away. It never would. He wasn't going to find Jaehyun. He wasn't content to watch somebody else's pain either. </p><p>His driver was still waiting so Sangyeon only had to wait until he got into the back of the car before letting himself break into pieces. At times like this, Sangyeon knew who he could call. </p><p>Haein's voice was almost as good as an embrace at a time like this. He knew he couldn't go to her and this was the most comfort he was going to get. </p><p>"What's wrong, baby?" Haein cooed. If they were together she would have held him close and stroked her fingers through his hair. Since they were kids she had always liked playing as a parent, looking after Sangyeon and building up the only framework of support that he could rely on. </p><p>"Can I ask you for a favour?" Sangyeon asked, chest aching as he tried to force his words out through his gasps. </p><p>"Anything, baby, what do you need?" </p><p>"I have a friend who really needs help," Sangyeon said. </p><p>Suspicion sliced immediately through Haein's tone as she asked, "Which friend?" </p><p>The fact that Minkyeung was pushed down the stairs was hardly a secret. The attack on Halloween caused as much outrage amongst the parents as it had caused scandal amongst the students. Selfishly, Sangyeon had paid little mind to rumours and whispers when he had a party of his own planned. Since Jaehyun had completely vanished he realised people were more interested in the girl lying in a hospital bed than the boy who had apparently planned to study abroad without even warning Sangyeon. </p><p>Sangyeon thought he deserved to know. He thought they were at least close enough to think of telling each other about big plans. He had clearly been wrong all along, dumped by someone who acted like they loved him without it ever being true. </p><p>For all their differences, Juyeon was Jaehyun's friend too. On top of everything that he did, he must have been aching the same way Sangyeon was. </p><p>"Lee Juyeon," Sangyeon said as steadily as he could. Haein sucked her teeth but Sangyeon needed her to at least hear him out. "I know he did something wrong, but he has nothing. I just went to see him and I don't know what to do. It really feels like I did something to hurt him, Haein, and I don't know what to do. He's a good kid really. He just made a mistake."</p><p>"What do you think I could do for him?" </p><p>Sangyeon didn't have a clue. He never had to think up solutions before. He always asked her to fix things and she knew exactly what to do. The answers never burst from Sangyeon’s mind. </p><p>"I don't know, Haein. Can't you just help him?" Sangyeon asked. "He needs a lawyer." </p><p>"Where am I supposed to find someone to go against the Hwagang Kims?" Haein asked, a sigh on the back of her tongue. "What would it look like if I — the daughter of the Palam Lees — helped the perpetrator of a crime against the Hwagang Kims? Our families are allied so acting here would be a slap in the face of the trust between us."</p><p>Of course Haein was right and her intervention could cause issues beyond Sangyeon’s request, but he didn't know what to do. Juyeon belonged to Sangyeon. He was ruined. It wasn't fair that Sangyeon put so much effort into Juyeon and was about to lose him. He had already lost everything else. </p><p>But Sangyeon didn't want to give up so easily. Haein could do anything. Everyone loved Haein, looked towards her, and hung on her every word. Sangyeon was no different to anyone else. He adored Haein and he didn't forget much of what she said. </p><p>She was the favourite for a reason. Her mind was full of wisdom. She was brilliant. She had to help him. </p><p>"Would this be the first time anyone turned on their allies? What about that car family you told us all about before. If our parents can do it, you certainly can, Haein. You can keep a secret." </p><p>"The Gunju Nohs?" Haein sighed. "I can keep a secret. But I am not our parents. What authority or money do I have which could sway someone to help a boy who shouldn't mean anything to us." </p><p>"I don't have anyone else, Haein!" Sangyeon’s voice rose too loud but he couldn't take it. He didn't come to Haein begging for every little thing. She tended to do things anyway, though the time Sangyeon asked, she was refusing him. "The only friends I have are yours, Haein. Suhyun and Chaekyung don't even care about me. Jaehyun left me. Sejeong has hated me for years. I don't have anyone left except for Juyeon. You need to help him." </p><p>"I don't think—" </p><p>Nothing was easy. Nothing was allowed to be easy for Sangyeon. He hung up the phone, wondering why his sister was refusing this one thing. Just a small request. It wasn't so far from the reaches of her ability. She could do anything and she didn't need to move heaven and earth. And she wouldn't do this. </p><p>Sangyeon asked his driver to take him to the only place he wanted to go. His home, his stupid little apartment in Songpa that was supposed to be his paradise. </p><p>He had nothing here, just an empty apartment where he and Jaehyun were supposed to plan out and decorate and put their own mark on it. Standing inside the apartment was odd. It wasn't right. He shouldn't exist here alone. The emptiness pulled at his chest — tugging apart his ribs and replacing the space in the apartment with the space surrounding Sangyeon’s heart. </p><p>He had nothing. He was nothing. Regardless of how little Sangyeon mattered, he wished he knew why the weight behind this pain was so significant. </p><p>The bare floor caught Sangyeon, cold and solid. Considering the mocking echo which reverberated through the blank potential of the apartment, it was his only source of comfort. This was meant to be home. This was where life was supposed to begin. This was where happiness was set to bloom. The barren floors and walls and the sheen of the windows were a reminder. He was stupid to think anything in his life was going to change. </p><p>Haein was refusing to help him to retain the last person he had left, and for the first time, Sangyeon considered that maybe she really couldn't do anything. Her influence did nothing here. He had an apartment but he hadn't any of the furnishings to make it into a home. He had all his shattered hopes but he didn't have the one person he wanted to live out every hope with. </p><p>Nobody truly had power which extended to the far reaches of the world. At some point, potency diluted to insignificance. It turned out that this part of Sangyeon’s life was far beyond the boundary of concentration. </p><p>The situation was clearer than ever. </p><p>Sangyeon was nothing and ultimately he had nothing. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Though life goes on, as Sangyeon’s mother advised over and over, it did not mean living through it was bearable. Another dinner party meant another group of people to pretend he had the chance to impress. There was never a chance for him to impress a single person because his parents laid out his imperfections far too clearly over the years for the vain potential for redemption. </p><p>Sangyeon needed a few more minutes to prepare himself. He cried a lot more these days. He cried in front of enough of his parents' dinner guests that their patience was soon to run out. </p><p>His eyes weren't pathetically puffy however his scrutiny of the person in the looking-glass revealed an unacceptable flaw. </p><p>The knot in Sangyeon’s necktie wasn't right. He unlaced the tie, tried again, failed, fumbled to unfasten it again, frustratedly tried to tear the rumpled silk from his neck, and spotted something out of place reflected in the mirror. </p><p>Sangyeon sighed. He didn't want to deal with this right now. Han Seokhee smirked and took a step further into Sangyeon’s bedroom. </p><p>"What are you doing in here?" </p><p>"You're going to be late for dinner," Seokhee said casually. Sangyeon already knew that. His parents knew this too and they likely expected him to be impolitely late. It was no reason for someone like Haein's stupid boyfriend to bother him about it. </p><p>"Thanks for letting me know. I'll see you downstairs."</p><p>Seokhee laughed. "Will I? We can stay and talk here if you want." </p><p>"What do I have to talk about with you?" </p><p>Seokhee didn't answer the question. Instead he came close enough to touch. And he yanked on Sangyeon’s tie and dragged him close to punch him in the gut. He didn't want to talk either. Fine. Sangyeon understood communication like this. They had 'talked' like this before. </p><p>Silk was stronger than expected and the tightly wound sinews of serenity sharpened to the blade of a razor as Seokhee pulled. Struggling was futile, though evolutionary defects had Sangyeon determined to claw back bare atoms of life, of the oxygen he needed. </p><p>Sangyeon knew struggle. He found he flourished in misery and survived this long because this was all he had known. Though this struggle was beyond what he had helped before. </p><p>The last time he fought Seokhee — fists and biting, and blinding pain — Sangyeon released all of his anger in that moment and ensured Seokhee felt every flash of frustration. This time, Sangyeon couldn't get a single hit in. Instead the blooming impacted through his flesh, sparking in his bones weakened his resolve and decimated the meagre strength he had to try and prise away the grip holding him down. </p><p>Despite feeling every punch, pinned down and unable to retaliate, Sangyeon can't help but think about the last time he fought Seokhee. In the summer, Sangyeon hadn't thought of anything aside from hurting Seokhee. In the summer he hit Jaehyun. It was an accident but he promised not to do this again. </p><p>Sangyeon wouldn't do it again, he wouldn't hit Jaehyun again, wouldn't lash out without paying attention to his surroundings, though that thought felt like the shackle preventing him from fighting back as well as he could. </p><p>Sangyeon cried, he suffered, however he was never the type of person to lose this pathetically. Each intake of breath seared through the pain of his ribs and the sharpening ache through his trunk. He hurt all over and he wanted it to stop but he didn't want to be found like this. He simply couldn't understand why he was unable to defend himself against someone he had beaten so easily a few months ago. </p><p>"How does it feel, baby?" Seokhee asked, the grease in his tone leaking over Sangyeon’s face and mingling with the heat in his eyes. Another punch, battering the softening of his ribs. "Have you ever hurt like this before?" </p><p>"Please stop." </p><p>Han Seokhee did stop. Not because Sangyeon asked. The expression on his face could simply be described as a smile though there wasn't a gleam of amiability in his countenance. "Please stop? That's unusually polite of you. Being the first person to make you so meek feels like I have taken something good from you." </p><p>"Leave me alone," Sangyeon groaned, weak as the words cowered in his throat. Pathetic. It only strengthened the leer above. </p><p>"How can I? Someone like you is interesting, you know," Seokhee noted, voice low as he allowed his words a prickling proximity to Sangyeon’s ear. "Haein is one thing, so proper in public with such a voracious appetite when we're alone, but I think you could keep my attention even better than she can. It's the way you hate me. I like the challenge."</p><p>"I'm a boy," Sangyeon muttered, irritated at his own slip. He meant to say 'man' or something less diminutive yet he had given up too much already and Han Seokhee looked pleased. </p><p>"You say that as though the whole world is pretending not to know what you get up to with boys," He grinned. He squeezed Sangyeon’s face in his hand, just one palm enough to hold him firm whilst the fingers pressed tightly enough to catch the insides of his cheeks on the edges of his teeth. "I don't really want you that way but it is a shame you didn't end up a sister to Haein. If I could marry you I would have more of a guarantee. You know how Haein has to work for everything she gets. She doesn't even complain about the fact you'll have everything handed to you. More than what she will have. More than what you deserve."</p><p>Sangyeon didn't know what that meant. Haein worked for what she had, withstood humiliation whilst being torn to shreds for any missteps, accepted losses when her better ideas were stolen, gracious as she was underestimated and brushed aside, though there wasn't any sign Sangyeon would have anything. His upbringing would leave him jaded and he'd never find himself gilded with anything more precious than an attitude. </p><p>If an attitude was all Sangyeon had, he would hold onto it here. Palam Lees didn't lose. They couldn't. </p><p>"You're only with Haein for money?" </p><p>Seokhee smiled wider. "What are you going to do, tell her? Do you think she would believe you?" </p><p>"I'm her brother," Sangyeon pointed out weakly. </p><p>"You are. Her weird, troubled little brother. You're not exactly trustworthy."</p><p>Sangyeon scrubbed at his eyes, irritated at how easy it was to extend his reach for this but he'd failed every thought of defending himself. He was fine. Things were going to be fine. </p><p>"How much credibility do you think you'll have when I tell everyone that you just beat me up?" Sangyeon asked, steadying his breath. He was fine. He wasn't weak. Though battered and injured, he wouldn't waver here.</p><p>A laugh. Being laughed at was akin to losing, being mocked for an oversight or naivete. </p><p>"Where are the places I touched you, Sangyeon?" Seokhee asked as he trailed his hands over Sangyeon’s torso, pressing the heel of his hands into his abused ribs. The pained wince was involuntary but that was too late. He'd exposed this much of the pain he felt and Seokhee's leer turned victorious. "I'm not sure how pleased your parents will be if you start stripping off in front of them and their guests to try to prove I did anything to you."</p><p>Of course. This had to be the place where Han Seokhee was right. They had guests and there were certain rules when guests were around. It was fine to get hit but complaining about it wasn't allowed. Sangyeon could get hit even if he was in his room without an audience, but he couldn't go downstairs and tell anyone about it. </p><p>As far from this world as Han Seokhee had been when he clawed himself into existence, the fact that he knew the unspoken rules this well felt like defeat. </p><p>What else could Sangyeon do? He'd have to sit through dinner, already miserable and wondering why he couldn't ever edge towards the boundaries of acceptable behaviour no matter how hard he tried to act normal. With the aches saturating his bones, settling into his flesh, he wouldn't be able to do what he was supposed to. He couldn't eat and laugh and pretend to be impressed by the guests, and he couldn't brag about his academic achievements. </p><p>He had nothing to smile about. He had nothing to brag about, nothing to hold in his head whilst projecting something like the happiness of a perfect life toward the guests. </p><p>"What about your hands?" </p><p>"I'm poor and uncultured. Of course my hands always look rough and grazed. What else is new?" </p><p>"Get out of my room," Sangyeon grumbled. </p><p>"There we go. That's the little bitch we all know and love," Seokhee said. "Do you want me out of my room? Make me leave. I'll give you one free hit. I want to see the Sangyeon I miss; the vicious animal. Let me see him again. Give me something to remember." </p><p>The jeering was doing its job. Sangyeon's hands curled into fists at his sides. He wanted to. There wasn't anything he wanted to do more badly than pummel the man above him, however Sangyeon knew that his knuckles could grind themselves bone-white and still he wouldn't be able to act upon his desire. </p><p>Sangyeon didn't tactically lash out. He let his fists dance wherever his anger led them and that was rarely anywhere hidden. If Sangyeon had the ability to act upon his irritation he knew he'd mark himself as the culprit easily. </p><p>All he could do was give up. </p><p>"Please just go," Sangyeon asked. Stupid. Miserable. Pathetic. Weak. </p><p>"I didn't even hit you that hard. You haven't thrown up or anything." </p><p>True. Sangyeon hadn't thrown up but he didn't want to be here anymore. His bedroom floor has never been so abhorrent before. </p><p>"Do you want me to beg?" </p><p>"That would be nice, actually," Seokhee mused, bearing down with his hips. There was no question of whether Sangyeon had any option to escape otherwise. He hadn't felt so visibly free of dignity. </p><p>There wasn't much to gain. Only as much as he had to lose. </p><p>Making the words come out was the hard part. Sangyeon’s eyes melted hot, his tongue scraped against the dry roof of his mouth. In the moments of silence, Seokhee's patience dwindled and his fingers threaded through the roots of Sangyeon’s hair and yanked at the handful caught. </p><p>"<em>Beg."  </em></p><p>"Please get off me, please leave me alone. I won't do anything to you again, I'm sorry, just please let me go, Seokhee." </p><p>The sound in response was dissatisfied. "That was too easy. <em> You're </em>too easy, you know that? What would your boy think of you if he saw you like this? Pathetic." </p><p>As pathetic as Sangyeon was, he couldn't let Jaehyun's name sit in a mouth as rancid as Han Seokhee's. He reached up with a hand that was impeded immediately. Seokhee twisted Sangyeon’s wrist and the pain sparking up Sangyeon’s humerus jolted right into his shoulder and across his chest. </p><p>As though he wasn't expending a single joule of energy, Seokhee flipped Sangyeon onto his front, pressed his knee onto the centre of Sangyeon’s back and ground his face into the carpet whilst maintaining his grip on Sangyeon’s twisted wrist. </p><p>"You were being such a good boy and then you had to ruin it. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" </p><p>Sangyeon barely had the air to breathe, let alone kowtow to this man with an insincere apology torn from his lips with fear. The rasp of his struggling breaths seemed to be answer enough. Seokhee climbed to his feet. </p><p>The rush of air back into Sangyeon’s lungs stung against the bruising of his trunk but he greedily took bigger breaths until the sharp kick which knocked him across the floor. </p><p>Another kick didn't come. Han Seokhee left. It was a welcome relief but even alone, Sangyeon didn't want to stay here. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The night was cold. Sangyeon was so focused on making his escape that he had slipped onto the stupid moat when checking that nobody was following him away from home. He shouldn't have been so cautious. Nobody ever came looking for him. He could have saved himself sodden legs and a face splashed with sludge. </p><p>Stupidly, Sangyeon hadn't donned a jacket, rather he left the house exactly as he was when Seokhee found him in his room. The chill was sinking deeper into his skin with each step he took and the quickening wind blew sharp pinpricks his way. Soon the microscopic slashes would turn to a deluge but whilst it was spitting Sangyeon could withstand the walk. </p><p>The journey was a long one on foot but Sangyeon couldn't trust the car service to really send anyone without first checking with his parents. For now they must have assumed he was sulking in his room, though they likely wouldn't come after him even after finding out he had left. How far could he even get on foot? </p><p>Before setting off, Sangyeon doubted he would really make it all the way to his destination, though it wasn't really his goal. Jaehyun wasn't home. Hadn't been home for at least a week. He wouldn't see Sangyeon even if he had returned. All the same, Sangyeon ventured to the only place he had known the person who became his happiness. </p><p>Sangyeon had manners. Inviting himself to other people's houses was rude. He had to call ahead even if he didn't think he would make it. </p><p>Nobody answered. The call went right to voicemail. Of course. It would be rude not to leave a message anyway. </p><p>"Jaehyun, hi. It's me, Sangyeon. I hope you're alright, wherever you are. I missed you so I am coming to see you," Sangyeon told the silently expectant mailbox. "Not really. I probably won't make it. I can barely walk. I've been hit before but never like this. I need to sit down but if I stop now I won't be able to start again, you know?" </p><p>The voicemail didn't respond, of course. Sangyeon wondered whether Jaehyun would listen to this message at all. Hopefully if he did listen, he wouldn't be able to relate.</p><p>"For a moment, when that bastard was beating me, I wished he would hit me harder. Everything hurts so much, but it wasn't enough. Why couldn't he just kill me? That sounds really pathetic, doesn't it? Sorry, Jaehyun. You said I shouldn't talk like that but without you, I really don't have anything. </p><p>"I should stop. You wouldn't want to hear a message like this. Uh… It's about to rain here. I don't think you're in Seoul anymore, right? You're definitely not in Seocho-gu anymore. I know that much. </p><p>"The other night I was thinking about what things were like before we met. You were in Canada somewhere, weren't you? You had someone back there who you left behind. Are you in Canada now, Jaehyun? That guy… He had better understand how lucky he is to be your first love. I'm not in great shape right now but I will do whatever it takes to make him open his eyes and realise how much he should cherish being important to you. Your first love. You're mine, but I don't mind that you're happier with someone else."</p><p>Sangyeon sighed. His words sounded hollow even through his labored breaths. He couldn't really expect Jaehyun to believe him. </p><p>"That's not why you left. I know it isn't."</p><p>That sounded better. Less like he was begging sympathy. Still not quite right. Nothing was right when the trees thinned and the cold rain had a clear path to drench him. </p><p>He tried to loosen the tight chattering of his jaw but he failed. He hadn't taken a single strike to the face but the tension as he ground his teeth together sparked grimly in the tender welts across his chest. Even by mustering up his concentration he couldn't force himself to breathe and take one step after another. </p><p>Rivers were forming alongside the road and Sangyeon had nowhere to walk except through the water which reached his shins. He couldn't feel his leaden feet and his hair was plastered to his head by the torrents of rain. </p><p>Shivering, and woefully far from the Samand home, Sangyeon saw he had to give up. </p><p>"Jaehyun, I know what I said before but I think I have to stop," Sangyeon admitted. "I need a rest. I'll just sit at the side of the road. I might get a second burst of energy soon. Or five minutes rest might make the pain fade. I'm not sure if I will make it today, but one day we'll see each other again. I promise. I love you." </p><p>Sangyeon sighed. Even through the fat drops of rain falling onto his phone screen he could see that he didn't need to hang up. The voicemail service had cut him off already and it was anyone's guess how many of Sangyeon’s words were waiting to be heard. The rest of them were lost to the wind, not certain of their fates. </p><p>Sangyeon wasn't certain of his own fate. He had made a promise but Jaehyun had made promises to him and they apparently weren't important to keep. It was fine. </p><p>Sangyeon flopped back into the squelching mud where the road turned to the dusty ground approaching the cover of trees. He could have a rest and try again another time. For now the rain thundered down, pummelling his body far more gently than the hands that were on him earlier. </p><p><br/>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i am writing this note a while before posting this chapter but i quite like the idea of confronting my thoughts honestly here — i have the characters to express my thoughts and the sense that a note like this is easy to skip over for people who aren't future me.</p><p>as hard as i have tried, i have not enjoyed being part of tbz ficdom. prior to this (like 3 ao3 accounts ago lmao) the ficdom i was involved with most deeply was broduce and, though writing for rarepairs there, i never felt that community was even half as dependent on arbitrary popularity as tbz ficdom. whilst i have made a very small amount of friends writing for tbz, there was a greater atmosphere of acceptance and genuine interest and support within the broduce ficdom and nobody was put on pedastals above others (aside from maybe snapchat who was a legend in all fairness). maybe this is very 'old man yells at cloud' of me however i cannot deny that the excitement and welcoming nature of that ficdom is very different to this one. the things people do and say is all very performative and i have no clue what criteria any pretend attention is based on but i really want to wash my hands of it.</p><p>this chapter is a tonal shift within this work, but it is also the first chapter posted since i deactivated my twitter account. it is the first necessary step to remind myself that unfortunately i am an extremely good writer and that fact will never hinge on how many interactions i could get on a tweet about a wip which will never see the light of day, rather it is dependant on the quality of the works i create. i have already comfortably settled on the fact that my worth as a writer is not dictated by the number of hits and kudos on this website. i write because i have ideas that i need to get out of my head. i write because this fic existed 11 times before now for a year before i was happy enough to start posting it. i write because one day i will find somewhere else to belong but even that won't make me feel that i am a better writer than i am right now.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey, hey just plugging my <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/126916912_">curious cat</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/126916912_">twitter</a> lol i live for wetmilk nonsense!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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